Well, my ambitious intentions to blog my heart out this year have--yet again--epically failed. This semester has been possibly more insane than the others combined. I'm enjoying it much more, for the most part... much less homework, but much more work work... plus a wonderful family to keep me somewhat sane. Now I just feel like an underpaid employee of a research lab, rather than a grasping-for-air first year. One step up, I suppose.
Things at home are still going well -- trying to cook and enjoy Co's company when I can, but our schedules are disappointingly opposite. He's out of the house earlier than me, and I don't get home until late.. and he goes to bed early. Weekends have been dominated by the football gods, so not too much quality time there, either. Even when I take time off to spend mindless hours eating unhealthy tailgating food and staring at men tackling each other alongside my husband, Sunday becomes a frantic time of catch-up, often resulting in zero sleep and a rough start to the week.
I'm in the middle of one of those Sundays right now, actually.
I'm craving a balanced life, but it's hard right now. Harder than it was last year, probably because my heart is tied to another. I'm not complaining about the tied hearts -- I love being married to Cory. It's just hard balancing work and a stable home life... even though I love my time spent both places.
It's pretty common in our program to run ragged.. get to the point where the seemingly impossible has to happen.. and last week was definitely one of those weeks. I tried to relax this weekend, but I never got time to "mourn" over the lost time and sanity that seems to have happened over the last few weeks. Even though I feel a little more balanced and went to bed around 10 Friday and Saturday nights, I am constantly on the verge of tears.
I keep thinking back to my college counseling class -- our bodies go into depression when we're overwhelmed.. it's a healthy way to "take ourselves out of the game" and recoup. I know I'm depressed right now. Not in the clinically-significant realm, but in the practical way. My body is protesting the late hours and lack of normal social stimulation. I also constantly feel guilty for not spending more time with family... even though my parents totally understand and support me. I knew grad school would be hard. I just need to get back in a balanced groove emotionally. I need to figure out how to take myself out of the game before my body does it for me. I'll get there.
Although it is overwhelming at times, work has been so stimulating and fun this year -- lots of big, exciting projects and opportunities. I'm working on two papers right now and a big grant proposal, as well as two or three conference presentations for the spring. On Friday, we successfully piloted an attention paradigm I've been frantically working on.. I almost cried when the sweet baby's face bobbled successfully from side to side, watching the balloons disappear.
We leave tomorrow morning for a 36 hour trip to San Francisco .. where we will be hauling a suitcase of standardized toys, two laptops, an LCD screen, physio equipment, and a home-made attention "tent" (thank you, ladder golf, felt, and patient husband) ... to see a sweet baby with fragile X. These assessments provide precious data, but the travel and "high stakes" scripting can be overwhelming - everything has to be flawless.
Although the assessment will be a neat experience, I'm nervous about losing two days of class work and week prep... we have three more assessments when we get back, plus 8 hours of practicum, work, and classes/homework. Cory's parents are coming in town next weekend, too.. then the next week my midterm assignments start to be due.
Yes, the balance becomes a challenge. I just need to figure out how to find peace in the moments between the projects and papers and deadlines. Last week I found myself sitting in my car between classes, closing my eyes, and just listening to one song.. just to give myself a break from the numbers and madness. Even those three minutes of peace refreshed my heart a bit.
Taking time out to watch life evolve has helped, too. We celebrated a beautiful baby shower yesterday with two of our close friends who are expecting twin girls.. and just soaking in the joy and the excitement was incredibly refreshing. Our friends have overcome so much to bring the sweet babies into this world.. it's such a good reminder to me of how far love, patience, and hope can go.
Little breaks for inspiration and peace. That will be my goal for the week.
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