...

People are weird.

I think that's about as enlightening as I'm going to get for the night.

I just wonder sometimes where friendship has gone. We all have companions along for the journey, but those companions seldom make it through the wringer of life. And when they do, they often come out tattered and torn, and we don't really recognize them much anymore. I get it now -- I get that true friends are one in a million, and we're blessed to have come out with two or three we can really hang on to.

Maybe we just value the things necessary for real relationships to form anymore. We value convenience, speed, fun, excitement... but those don't add up quite like the real deal... love, patience and hope, joy... passion. We wait for people to conveniently come into our lives, then we let them conveniently go.

I don't get it.

It's one of my fears about American culture... there are a few things that scare me, and the disillusion of friendship is one of them. Friendships seem to come and go like haircuts... we take a risk, we try something new, we do something that looks good on us... and then trends change, life changes.... and we cut that old look out of our life for something fresh and fabulous.

But how fabulous is new? There's something to be said for for the beauty that comes from time. We've gone from valuing aged wine to "liquor is quicker"....

I don't know, just a thought. I'm going to study physics and watch trashy TV. (... and I whine about trashy America. bleh.)

...and p.s....

i'm not going to be a nun. i didn't even put together the motherhouse and vanderbilt together until caitlyn inevitably pointed it out :)

i'll visit. how's that?

things work out :)

so i called the professor at vanderbilt this morning, and she got back to me tonight -- they'd still love to have me! yay, nashville!

... so let's pray this thing works out :)

oh, and i'm feeling a *lot* better... my throat hurts, and i'm still congested... but the really yucky headache is gone, and i'm doing fine walking around the apt. hooray :)

no good very bad day

cambridge just fell through. i'm pretty much heartbroken, especially since i just declined yale and vanderbilt a few days ago. hopefully i can still get vanderbilt... i'd love to go to grad school there, and if i can't go abroad, i'd love to do research at their autism lab. and if that falls through, i'll be working at camp, which i would really love to do anyway.... a summer in the most incredible place in the world.

...and to top things off, i think i might have the flu. or a really bad virus. i've been in bed all day, and the infirmiry is being less than helpful. surprised?

but not everything is bad. i have a mtg this week to talk to a professor about organizational psychology... which will be really good. i've got a year to play with business classes, and it would be a really great match for me i think.

and cory just showed up with flowers and a milkshake (the man knows the way to my heart)... he's the best.

okay, off to study... exams friday and saturday, and i don't know if i'm going to make it to class. :( my head hurts, but my heart's okay. everything will work out juuuust fine :)

jack johnson . better together

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepiatone loving,
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart ,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings
And brings new things,
But tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'll be under the impression,
I was somewhere in-between
With only two,
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do,
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

a vote is a vote is a vote

so, in my constant state of political ignorance, i try to stay away from posting about politics. i know that i will make a fool out of myself. however, today i'm going to brave that risk and post away...

i've been sitting here all afternoon trying to figure out where i stand. as a catholic, i'm finding myself in that middleground of wanting babies to live AND wanting people on death row to live. we don't have the right to take anyone's life if there's a better way. in both cases, there are much better ways.

apparently, i'm a democrat for thinking so. i always assumed i'm a republican because that's what i've grown up around. democrats are dirty. personally, i think both political parties are extreme and irrational, and i'd like to be somewhere in between. guess that makes me an independent.

barack doesn't want to kill criminals, but he doesn't mind killing babies. not sure what that says. and john mccain wants to keep the us in iraq until the cows come home, but he'll help the babies. i hate how voting feels like picking the lesser of two evils.

i guess the key is to vote then lobby... actually do something about the negative aspects of your vote -- overcorrect it. i understand the importance of voting, but let's be honest -- if i were to vote democrat in sc, it wouldn't much matter now, would it? voting for john mccain would at least offset huckabee... he'd kill the economy, and then the babies wouldn't stand a chance.

::sigh:: i'm so confused.

about life, actually... we had this big discussion in my history class today about clinical vs. developmental psychology. it's so hard to "make it" in clinical psych as a woman because it's currently a female dominated field so they're recruiting men and minorities. developmental on the other hand... apparently my chances would be a lot better. i would be approaching autism from a research angle, devoting my life to designing and implementing studies. REALLY different than what i'm "feelin" right now.. i would be living in the world of academia.

so i'm devoting my evening to looking into all of it.. seeing what everything would entail.

yay, life.

the last few days have been really fun though.. valentines day was wonderful. cory says he hates it, but he's adorable anyway. i went out with mandy for the afternoon, then a "late, romantic supper" (to quote bridget jones) with cory :) oh, and i filled his car with balloons filled with one line valentines day jokes and hershey kisses and notes. i had that elementary-school-urge to make him hate valetines day more than he already does :) it was fun.

so today, i'm devoting the afternoon to figuring out my life. i know i'm going to get crazy busy with exams, so i'm carpe-ing the diem and doing it now. wish me luck! ;-D

love is in the air...

...i'm back. sorry. winter term ate me.

so i have two swollen middle fingers. nice, huh? i've been blowing up balloons for the past two hours, and ... yeah ... ill post pictures tomorrow. ;)

today was... good. i slept a lot last night. a LOT... i've had a week from hell (again) with a big test and a big presentation due the same day.. so i finished 'em up, worked, went to the heller dance for exceptional adults (a ton of the campers were there... it was amazing!!), and passed out. and i woke up this morning to boy meets world blaring on the tv. slept through phone calls, the whole bit... winter term definately ate me.

now that less is on my mind, more seems to be on my heart. it's always the way these things work, no? the practical stuff just clouds our thoughts.. makes us feel like life is "one damn thing after another" (to quote one of my professors)... and it can be. but there's more to it than that.

i guess the thought on my heart today is appreciation -- had another amazing convo with the parentals (it's eric's birthday -- craziness in the homestead, for sure).. and i just can't get over everything they've done for me. maybe now that i know how hard it is to "make it," i get that raising us is a sacrifice. and i really believe that's what true love is.. falling so head over heels for someone that the love overflows into the creation of new people.

God's love overflowed and created us...

So that's my goal for valentines day '08... overflowing love... the kind that spills into every area of life. the trick, though, is it's got to come from somewhere. to love we must be loved, and imperfect love just won't cut it.

:) Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

liturgical low

what a start to a hopefully penitential lent.

there's nothing better than a nice, hard, humbling psych test to start off the season of penance. i don't know... i'm working hard, it's not enough -- ah, the pain of college. winter term. yeah.

got back and spent the day doing laundry, cleaning, going to lab, going to Mass, making a lovely banner for our new man of the month... and i had the most incredible conversation with my parents, too. i called them to catch up on life... and they always help so much. this term has just been wearing on me. it's been filled with changes, but i haven't handled all of them as well as i'd like to have..

.. my family is incredible.

and Mass tonight was incredible -- so many people were there. i think some were there for a class, actually. but regardless -- they were before the Blessed Sacrament. and that's exciting.

okay, going to bed -- interview tomorrow for my hopeful internship! hooray!

...

God, this didn't happen. right?

the girls above us were close to her, too.. and so were the girls upstairs and to the left.. she lived three doors down. i can feel the grief in our building. someone screamed earlier this afternoon right around the time word was spreading, and i hope to God it wasn't from pain. later tonight i heard somone upstairs strumming a guitar quietly.

it hits everyone differently, i suppose.

when i hurt, i think. but jp's death is blowing my thoughts away.

:(

things change every day...

so i've already reworked my schedule twice for the spring. i'm trying to get the experience i need without overdoing it, you know? i got a call from a child's haven, a daycare/treatment center for abused and developmentally delayed children -- they most likely have a spot for me as an intern this spring! it's really exciting news in the middle of this really dismal day... i know it would be a challenging placement but i'd grow through it. good discernment for clinical work, too.

it's all making me think, though -- the whole "live every day like its your last" thing is so true... i don't want to spend my entire life planning for the next thing. i want to enjoy the experiences God gives me today, the people in my life today...

so i think i want to pursue this lead rather than take my general eds next term. if i can beg my way into this advocacy course, i'll be interning in the morning a few days a week, taking biopsych at noon, advocacy from 6-8 on tuesdays and thursdays, lab from 3-5 on wednesdays, and working tuesdays and sundays from 2-5. and spearhead on saturdays.

and i'm now vice president of administration for tridelt :)

phew.

in other words... i'll be spending a lot of time with 4 year olds. and learning how their little brains work. and learning how to help their little brains to work better.

yay, life discernment.

the way we do slating is really interesting -- the "position seeks the girl"... so i ended up getting a position i was totally not expecting. i keep getting slated for these wonderful organizational business-like jobs in the sorority, which is great -- but it's not where i put my own strengths. so i thought about it today and decided to trust my sisters and explore this stuff a little more -- one of our alumnae advisors told me last term i should run a business some day, and i really do think it would be fun... so i'm going to take my 7 extra spots for courses and take some business classes. the experience will come in handy if i don't get into the clinical programs i'm pursuing...

and i can get some nonprofit experience, which i'm sure will come in handy eventually.

this cute little ladybug keeps crawling on my books... he keeps coming back then disappearing then coming back again :) maybe he's trying to tell me to *study*...

... yeah...

so i'm off to do study for an hour. yay, psych.

good grief

is there such a thing? good grief, i mean?

jessica died yesterday. God, that's hard to write. this is the first time i've experienced the grief of losing a peer, someone my age... she lived three doors down, she was the first person i met when i came to visit furman, we rocked out fusab together for two years... she lived with and was really close to a lot of girls in tridelta...

... she's JP. she can't be dead.

i don't really know what to think. i know we all experience grief differently, and there's no right way to mourn. but jp was fantastic.. she was one of those few people who come into everyones' lives and truly make a difference. she loved -- God, she loved -- and she was loved. she poured her heart into her friends and family.. we were all so blessed to have her in our lives.

she finished her coursework in december and moved to colorado to train to be a missionary in spain, and the van she was in got hit yesterday by a man they beleived had a heart attack... a baby was in the car... pray for all of them. pray, pray, pray.

God, it's horrible. it's a horrible, horrible story.

i just pray that she didn't suffer -- she had a soul made for heaven. i know she's looking down on all of us, purely and beautifully pouring her soul into what she's desired to do for 21 years -- love God fully and clearly. Know God fully and purely.

JP, thank you for the hearts you touched, the spirits you lifted, the smiles you shared. Thank you for encouraging the world to love God by your example, and for sharing your joyful spirit with everyone you met. You've changed the world -- you did it -- and now you can enjoy the fruits of your love in Heaven. Give Jesus a kiss for me, check up on Avery, pray for the rest of us... I can't wait to see you soon. You will be missed and forever loved...

Please don't cry
You know I'm leaving here tonight
Before I go I want you to know
That there will always be a light

And if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away, ya

So many times I planned
To be much more than who I am
And if I let you down
I will follow you 'round until you understand

That if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away, ya, oh ya

When the days all feel the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
And I will shine on, for everyone

So please don't cry
Although I leave you here this night
Where I go how far I don't know
But I will always be your light

That if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away, ya, oh ya

When the days all seem the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day

I will shine on, for everyone
Shine on, for everyone

When the stars all look the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on, for everyone
Shine on, for everyone


jet . shine on

rest in peace, JP.

mm sunday

so i'm starting to regret my idea to work on sundays... with spearhead every saturday and work every sunday, i'm not really getting days off lately. granted, i can't really afford days off right now, so i suppose it's fine. but still.. i just want to sit in bed and watch chick flicks for a day, you know? :)

this weekend absolutely flew by. friday was a sweet little adventure to greer with andrew and jessie... ha. it was actually really fun despite the fact that the one good restaurant in greer had an hour wait so we ended up at subway (where, might i add, i got a free cookie). cory found out his brother and sister-in-law are having a little boy, which is really exciting. a girl would be fun, but perhaps it's a good thing that -- for now -- there will be one less cute girl in pigtails running around flicking off her preschool classmates because her uncle told her it's a sign of affection.

:)

we went to the bar (yep, "the") and played pool and such afterwards, which was nice. i just love spending time with cory, andrew, and jessie.. all of them at once is spectacular.

saturday was interesting. it had the potential to be a horrible day, and for awhile the potential was lived up... but everything turned out fine (of course). we took the campers to the circus, which was awesome. the carnies freaked me out, but some of the tricks were cool. i signed up last minute, so i was assigned to a group of fairly high functioning older guys, which was an absolute hoot. i took one of the guys off to find cotton candy (took forever), and when we finally found some he looked up and said "thank you JESUS!"... super cute.

oh, and i got punched in the face by a camper... but that's life, right?

crafty and i commiserated about boy trouble... one of her boyfriends was going to stand her up for their phone date, and i had just found out that mine might be standing me up for a tractor sale (he didn't).. so we grumbled together about it. i finally reminded her that she had three other boyfriends, so that cheered her up a bit. i, however, kept grumbling about john deere stealing my boyfriend.

he ended up making it (thank goodness), and the function was really fun.. i don't think i've ever had so much fun at functions as i've had with cory -- i don't have to pretend when things are awkward, we dance like goobs and no one cares.. he's just a blast to be around. i was a slacker and didn't want to put much effort into costumes, so we went as pickup lines (it was the tridelta sweetheart dance), which was pretty snazzy. aaand we got to dance around in jeans and tshirts and valentiney mardi gras beads, which rocked. so the whole night turned out pretty fun.

... considering i almost got stood up for a tractor sale :) apparently some older man came up to him at the event and asked if i was mad he was missing dinner, then said "well.. don't worry if she's mad. making up is the best part!"

gotta love the experienced perspective of habitual tractor-sale attendees. their poor wives.. ;)

well... time to scrounge up some dinner and go to mass and chapter. we find out our new offices, so that will be fun. i've gotten my hopes up about getting an office in general, so i've been spending my day trying to talk myself out of expecting one. i just had such a good experience with the last one that i'm looking foward to doing something different this year. if doing something different means pouring my heart into something other than tridelt, i'm sure some doors will open :) they always do!

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah sunday!

goo goo dolls . better days

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child who saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

in spite of..

it's one of those nights when i am just simply not going to get my homework done. and it's totally my fault -- i went out with cory and the boys in greer instead (it's more tempting than it sounds lol), watched sex and the city while i did physics.. and was about to start psych when my big fat greek wedding came on.

.. it's all over.

so now i'm going to watch this *brilliant* movie. seriously. one of the most incredible portrayals of orthodox family chaos known to man.

i've got love on the mind lately -- and the love portrayed in this movie is unique and beautiful and different. it's in spite of love... it recognizes the faults and the shortcomings and has the power to overcome them.

i think in spite of love is the real deal, actually. we can love easily when we don't have any in spite ofs to list. that love isn't quite as beautiful though -- it's not as deep in spite of love has depth.

family love is pretty much 100% in spite of love...

i think i'm going to watch this move in spite of the massive amount of work i have to do. maybe it will inspire me to learn about john b watson.

ha.