the weekend of small towns and cows

This weekend was awesome.. and it's not even over yet.

Andrew and Cam and I drove town to Columbia on Friday and grilled out at Cam's house, which was perfect... steaks and salads and beer and Cory Smith and football in the park. It was just one of those relaxing Friday evenings where everything is juuust right. That's kind of how this weekend has been... juuuuust right. If I'm not careful, I'm going to turn into a Gamecocks fan this summer. I'm around them constantly, and it's just their way of life.

OOH funny camp moment I forgot to share. It was "college football week" at camp, and they surprised the campers and got the real Clemson tiger mascot to come hang out for a few hours.. and seeing as many of the staff go/went to USC, it caused a big uproar... so we managed to take a picture of the tiger doing the #1 sign in a cocks visor. Amazing.

Another thing.. my dreams lately have been really bizarre. The other night I had a dream that I was an astronaut and I got to space and I realized I forgot my toothbrush.. which sucked. I mean, what would you do? You're stuck, and it's not like you can have one shipped. No pun intended. Then last night I had a dream that I was on a beach at night fishing for polar bears with chocolate chip cookies. And I got a new flashlight.

I feel like I'm six again.

Back to Columbia, though... Saturday we went to the Salty Nut for lunch, then took the back roads up to Andrew's aunt and uncle's restaurant in the middle of nowhere, SC. Grits and Groceries, its called... the food was amazing, and they had this great acoustic guitarist playing and everyone was outside... breeze, checkered tablecloths, horses and goats, oysters, cornbread, the best sweet tea ever... it was amazing. Again, it was so good just to relax and enjoy everything. The food deserves some praise, though -- they did cornbread and ham stuffed oysters, watermelon and onion salads, peach chutney and pork, peach cobbler and cherry ice cream... everything was gourmet and perfect.

It was cool to experience small town life... we passed a lot of goats and cows and horses (namely becuase we took a wrong turn in Lexington.. so we saw far more goats and cows and horses than anticipated). We just kind of weaved along the little highways with the sunroof open and Cory Smith playing.. no real agenda, no stress. Good company, too.. those boys are amazing.

We met some camp friends at the restaurant, then headed back up to Greenville and went to Blueridge and to play on the rocks in the park... again, just fun. Afterwards I went and spent the night with some of my guy friends at Furman.. another great late-night talk.

I love this nomadic weekend life.

I've spent most of today running errands and drinking coffee and blogging and getting pictures printed and catching up with family... I might go to Bob Jones art museum later, and I have Misa tonight. Just a nice, relaxed Sunday. They opened a new vintage shop downtown, too, that I might hit up. No agenda, no stress... just a tank of gas and my life in my trunk and my keys and my ipod and my camera. It's lovely.

So toss up some prayers for this week... we have a really fun, young cabin.. and Ragamuffin is in it again!!! I can't wait to see what this week has in store...

the day the vending machines didn't give out beer...

6/22/07

Last night of week two.

This week was so different than last week -- a lot more challenging, for sure. I'm settline in, though... maybe pimping out my bed is symbolic of that. I rolled up a king pseudo-down comforter and put it over the egg crate and under the fitted sheet, then brought up my favorite comforter in the world... so I sleep happily. It's turning into home.

Today I got to breakfast on time. I know that doesn't sound like much, but this week has been CRAZY as far as getting campers ready in the morning. We get them there on time, but I showered one of them every morning this week.. so they'd head off to breakfast and I'd be drenched and in my pajamas.

We went bowling today, which was wondreful. And on the bus I got to have some reflection time... the camper who tackled me on Tuesday decided that we were good enough friends where she could just fall asleep across my lap on the bus. So I had time to think, because I certainly wasn't going anywhere.

I thought about a few of the things I learned this week:

1) Don't ask dumb questions.

... i.e. don't say, "Do you want to go to breakfast?" because they could (and might) easily say no. Rather, give two options.. both work for you, one works better for them. "Do you want to walk to breakfast or do you want me to push you in your chair?" .. and say both like they're fun, awesome choices.

2) Don't give too much information.

One of the camper workers gets very paranoid that counselors are going to date. He dosn't like it. In fact, he flat out hates it. And he will harp and ask questions and get really really frustrated every time he sees me talking alone with a guy. And being me, I gravitate towards guy friends. Tonight at the talent show I got Cam to come over to meet Kelly and Amanda, and the CW flipped out and I had to tell him Cam left because I made fun of him too much. And then later, I had to go up to Cam's cabin to ask about this weekend and I was dumb enough to tell the CW.. turns out he asked everyone where I was and what cabin I was at and he interrogated me when I came back. So yes, I've learned to keep answers short and sweet. "Going to the cabins." Done.

He's really funny, though.. everything he says kind of sounds like he's yelling at you. I wore my hair down yesterday, and at breakfast he came up to me and just scruffily yelled-ish "You have your hair down." and then he pulled my hair scarf and said "What's this." ... not in a "oh, what a nice scarf you have..." more like a "why aren't you grungy-as-always today.

The next morning I was wearing jeans, and he just came up to me and flat out said "Where are your SHORTS at. ITS TOO HOT FOR JEANS" and he got mad-ish and stormed off. Everything with him is an -ish, because he's never actually mad... he just has the scruffy mad-ish voice that makes it sound that way. The funny thing, though, is that he prompty went up to his cabin and changed into jeans. Boo-ya.

3) Talk quietly, but carry a large stick. (Chesterton, I think?)

4) Never underestimate.

Our sweet little old camper with downes carried me in the pool today. She just looked at me and said, "I want to pick you up." Earlier at bowling she looked at a vending machine and looked at me and asked, "Does that thing give out beer?"

No, no it doesn't.

So yes, life lessons.

Bowling was good... had the best nap ever tday, too. I couldn't sleep last night.. not really sure why, so sleep was a treat. And I needed it after the intense conversations today. There were a lot of them. Foster home problems, 15 and 1/2 yr old campers telling me they were ready to have sex

- "but I'm 15 and 1/2. I know boys. I'm ready."
- "no, not until you're married and much much older."
- "but I'm ready now. I feel ready. I love him."
- "I've been in love and not had sex. It's better that way. It's normal to feel like you want to, but trust me.. waiting is better."

... so after a loong bus ride conversation, we agreed that she should probably wait until she was 38 and married. And the guy she was talking about? She decided she liked another one better. I convinced her the guy was probably a bad kisser anyway :) He glared at me.

Fire circle tonight was good. The camper who comes back every week and is deaf got up to the mic and talked again.. made his muted word-noises, which always makes me tear up a little bit. It's like he knows we try to speak signs with him all week, so he wants to try to speak in our language, too. And he points to the people at camp who he wants to say thank you to, and it's just really beautiful.

Another camper.. hilarious little older lady.. got up to the mic and just started to sob about how her momma was dead. She brings it up at least 6 times a day.. and she's stop mid-sob and start telling you how much she loves you and how pretty you are and how you look like your momma... then she'll remember her momma is dead, and she'll start to sob again.

She's got a boyfriend she talks about all the time, too... Billy.

"Sweetie, who's your boyfriend?"
-- "Billy."
"And how do you kiss Billy?"
-- "On the lips." ::makes the funniest kissy face ever::
"Does Billy have a brother?"
-- "Yep."
"Can I go on a date with Billy's brother?"
-- "Yep. We can go together. We'll go to a motel."
"Oh, dear.. a motel with Billy?"
-- "WHAT?!?! YOU CANT HAVE BILLY. ILL SLIT YOUR THROAT AND KILL YOU, I WILL. BILLY IS MY BOYFRIEND, I SAID. YOU GET OUT OF MY FACE. YOU'RE HURTING ME! (nobody is touching her) HELP! ... Get me a moon pie, sugar. You so pretty. You look like your momma."
"But you've never met my momma"
-- "Yes I have. I met your momma. MY MOMMA IS DEAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD..."

Yeah. It's an adventure. She's amazing.

Another camper got up to the mic and just started to scream, then he'd point the mic to the audience and we'd scream back, and then he'd scream some more. It took four counselors to get him off the mic, but it was really funny. He's a sweetie.

Kelly and Pep came out to the talent show -- it was SOOO good to see them! They got to experience a stunning Wizard of Oz performance and Cory crossdressing... I talked up all of my camp friends, and they met a few of them, and I told them they should meet Cory but I didn't see him around.. then they drew the curtain and he was behind it in a sparkly silver dress.

Yeah...

Good night tonight, too... I love Thursdays at camp. Got to have a nice long talk with a friend, which was really good. The people here are incredible.

So yes, today was wonderful... camp kind of sets my heart on fire. "And it burns, burns, burns..."

ALLELUIA!

the day i became "grape"

6/20/07

This is one of those days wehre I probably should have started journaling earlier. I hate play-by-play entries, but there have been a lot of adventures. No boring days at camp, for sure.

Morning went a lot better today... I'm not as grumpy as I was yesterday, either. I'm a lot more aware of my moods here... namely because people aren't afraid to point them out. Everything gets pointed out.. you're with the same 30 staff all summer. Everything moves fast.

So patience is a virtue.. and I need to keep telling myself that. I'm having a lot of trouble with patience in the cabin -- Lord, I hope I'm not showing it, but sometimes my heart is just overwhelmingly frustrated. Somehow we ended up with two wheelchairs and a woman who is blind in one cabin.. plus a camper who wanders and another who needs play-by-play encouragement. So getting from point A to point B is so challenging.

And going to the bathroom. They never tell you until you're all at the pool, in the bathing suit, shoes off, one foot in the water. Then they remember. So out of the water, on go the shoes, slowly walk up to the bathroom... you feel like you're going backwards. Inopportune for me, I suppose.

So I was thinking about the frustrations, and a song from Sister Hazel popped in my head... "If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind."

The fact that I view getting from point A to point B as an accomplishment says a lot... I need to relax and go along for the ride, I suppose. Like... view each step as an accomplishment, rather than each milestone. That way, if you go backwards, you can still make progress. You're still walking.

It's a new lifestyle I'm trying to adapt...

Oh, and on a closing note, I got my fruit nickname today. One of the camper workers gives them out.. his is watermelon.. but yes, mine is now Grape. It's an honor, for sure.

Lots of other things happened today, but it's bedtime. So enough of that. Grape is signing off.



Hey, Hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no
If you never want to have
To turn and go away
You might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay

Bridge
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in…

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

Hey hey
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow

Hey hey
what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway

change your mind . sister hazel

the day i got tackled by my camper.. again

6.19.07

Do you ever just sink? Let out a long, dep breath -- every ounce of air in your body --- and you sink deep, deep into the bed?

Welcome to nap time today. I feel dead.

I spun our older camper with downes syndrome around int he pool today. It made me happy. Can't quite put it into words, but that gummy grin...
- "I like that." giggle.
She rejoices in her abilities. Lord, she can't move fast, but every move she makes is worth it. "Every little thing she does is magic." She eats slow as molasses, but she savors every bite. I wish I could have that patience with my life.

She's teaching me a lot about my motivations, too... am I rushing her for her own good or for mine? Is it because she's in need or because she doesn't move at my pace?

Occassionally, she'll run. It's like her heart takes over her body and her sweet, docile soul fuels every nerve she's got. She doesn't move too fast, but from her face you'd think she had just started the Boston marathon.

This week has been hard, though.. and it's only day two. We have a very involved cabin, and it's not the "cuddly busy fun"... a lot of one-on-one work.

Nap time.

--------------------------------------

Well, I think I'm finally friends with one of my campers who I've had trouble communicating with...

She flat out tackled me in the activities building. I was sitting on the floor and she came charging at me... she pinned me and crossed her arms on my chest and laid there like she was at the beach. She doesn't speak, and she has few signs... but after that, I had no problem communicating with her.

You never know what's going to do it.

I'm learning a lot about myself this summer because I can see myself in the campers. Some of the counselors are settling in, and the charm of camp wears off a little bit. But if you give them time, any camper will open up. Somehow. And then the charm floods back in.

Another one of our quieter camperrs really struck me today. It started to rain, and Lord, I love rain. Singing in rain, dancing in rain. But I was a little tired -- we had a camper not want to get out of bed to shower, so I had a frustrating morning. The rain didn't hit me like it usually does. :) Anyways, I looked outside the building to see this camper dancing around.. twirling, spinning, laughing... all by herself. I would never have thought her to be the twirling type, you know? So I threw off my rain jacket and joined her. And it was nice.. uplifting.. and really nice. Later tonight I went and sat by her in her bed... she really opened up. Still in her quiet, subtle way.. but she opened up. And her eyes say so much. I wanted to know her story... I wanted to know everyones story... why they would do what they do. We don't always get that, though.. we get four days. Four nights. So you take every chance you get.. and it may take a tackle or laugh or a dance...

.. with this camper, it took the rain. :)

Tonight I went up and hung out on one of the porch cabins and just enjoyed the other counselors. Watched Ben kill a copperhead snake with a rock, too. In a Tri-Delta shirt. Life doesn't get much better :)

I need a new flashlight.

Lord, give me patience in the morning... help me to treat every camper with dignity and respect -- especially those who You use to challenge my heart. Help me to stay healthy, Lord -- and may I breathe every breath for Your Holy Name.

Amen.

the day it started again...

6.18.07

Well, it's the first night of session two. First nights are always interesting, for sure. Our campers this week are so different than our girls were last week... a lot older. A lot more dependent.

I can already tell where my patience will be tested... one of our girls is really hard to get to know... tough around the edge, if that makes any sense. That's the thing about camp.. you bring dignity and respect to these peoples' lives by allowing them to do what they can do. Sometimes, though, you wonder if they feel it. Really feel it.

We have an amazing woman who is blind in our cabin... for once those blind team building games are coming in handy :). She's got a cute personality, too.. I painted her nails in the craft building today, and she was so proud of them that she kept showing them off to people with this "oh, honey -- let me tell you" expression on her face. Leading her around the carnival games was inspiring... she wanted to play, even though she couldn't see what she was doing. Her grin when she knocked down the pins or dunked the cook or rode the bobcat or whatever -- was beautiful. Only way to describe it. She's got a spark to her.

I was thinking about our interractions tonight, and it made me think about our relationship with Christ -- when we go where He leads us, we knock down pins in heaven. We can't always see them, but He can. Maybe that's why the angels are always rejoicing -- they live in the fruitful bliss of Heaven.

We also have a sweet little older lady with downes in our cabin -- no teeth, too.. which makes life interesting. No teeth in addition to a southern accent makes for a whole lotta vowels and very few consonants. And not vowels that you see on paper.. it's an adventure. Everything takes her forever, too... we beaded necklaces and hers took her two hours. She sat next to one of our hyper campers today and just stared at him for awhile. She slowly gummed down a bag of chips, and he screamed at the top of his lungs. The contrast was comical.

I'm enjoying the counselors a whole lot -- they're incredible. I won't delve details on here, but some of them just stand out... you can tell they're not there because its fun, they're there because its where they come alive.

"If we are who we are called to be, He will set our soul on fire." -St. Catherine of Sienna

Lord, bless my heart and the hearts of those people You desire me to serve. May I remain true to You in all circumstances, remaining at Your side through faith, through prayer. Open the eyes of my heart. Amen!

the night i fell asleep at 7pm

So I'm home in Charleston.

Got home in 3 hrs. Probably not a good thing. Ride home was amazing.. got to think about this week and how amazing it was. And sing, and sing, and sing.

Whenever I got bored this week, I'd sing. It was nice.

Got home and Pat's teeth were on the coffee table, Boomer ignored me because he was mad I left... glad to know some things never change.

Fell asleep at 7pm. Woke up at 10am. Phew.

Beach today with the high school crew... should be fantastic. Get rid of this t-shirt tan.

I cried when Ragamuffin left yesterday... it was emotional. We got our camper list for next week... we have older women, which should be really interesting. We have a really cool camper with very involved needs, so working with her should be really challenging but good.

On the ride home I thought a lot about how rewarding camp is, and how frustrating that can be... there are so few things we can do where we love and aren't loved back. Maybe that's the purpose of all this counselor drama and the reason for broken hearts and the way that God can use misery in our lives... those crosses are our only opportunity to love without reward. Maybe that's why they're so important.

On that note, I'm off to play with the high school crew :) Yay, Saturday!

the day i laughed and laughed and laughed

6/14/07

Thursday was probably my favorite day at camp so far.

Found my watch. In Ragamuffin's bag. Next to Shanna's. Time doesn't just just fly with that girl, it ceases to exist. She likes to "play counselor"... it's the only way to get her to sleep at naptime. So I'll give her my watch, tell her she's in charge, then I'll fall asleep in her bed and she'll climb up in mine and "keep watch." Problem is, the watch ends up somewhere random around the cabin. For a nap, though.. it's worth it.

Tonight was the first night I've really felt at home with the counselors. Shanna (our lead) and I are getting close, which is awesome... and I'm realizing I've picked up a lot of annoying mannerisms at school that make it hard for me to communicate. So I'm weeding those out. But yeah, a group of the counselors sat around and swapped stories about the week.. and it's amazing how much more a part of the group I felt when I had stories to throw in the pot. Memories really do bond people together.

I unfortunately got invovled with camp drama.. unintentional, but it happened. Oh, well.

So I'm a people watcher, and I've been getting to know the counselors... and they're all amazing. You can tell some of them are here because camp is fun, helping others makes them feel good, they get a lot out of it, they get to give back.. which is awesome. Some of the counselors, though.. they come alive at camp. They get joy out of even the not fun tasks.. they give their whole hearts to the campers, it kind of takes them over. It's beautiful.

I'm really going to miss our cabin.. the girls are crazy, but they're amazing. And they're amazing together.

The camper who loves the arts and crafts building showed up at firecircle (each cabin gets up to reflect on the week.. the campers each get the mic.. it's kind of the emotional last huzzah) with paint all over her face. It was classic... and in her scruffy voice she just mumbled.. "I've been... doing ARTS AND CRAFTS all day..."

One of our less verbal campers walked by me today and just screamed "BIG BUTT" and kept walking.

But my favorite story from the week was shower time today. Ragamuffin and two other campers and I went up from the pool to take showers. So Ragamuffin and one of the other campers take their showers, and I hopped in when Ragamuffin was done. The handle on the shower I wasn't in was broken, and it's been falling off all week. So when the camper told me the handle was broken, I told her to just let it go so that the next camper could hop in and we wouldn't have to adjust the water again. She said the water would get on the floor, but I thought she meant when the curtain was open so I told her not to worry about it.

My mistake.

I got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around me, and stepped into a flooded bathroom... the camper had taken the showerhead down (it's on one of those cord things), but couldn't reach to put it back up, so she just dropped it on the ground and it spilled water all over the bathroom floor. The mats were soaked, the water was piling up, and the handle was broken off so it took a minute to even turn the water off. So I'm in my towel, three campers are running around the cabin butt naked, and I look up to see Ragamuffin naked, in my bed, dancing to my ipod, wearing my sunglasses, and putting on my chapstick.

It was one of those moments where you just have to laugh. "I just love this place."

Throughout the week, Ragamuffin imitated me more and more... she's started blowdrying her curly hair (afro, anyone?) because I blowdry my hair, she eats what I eat, and she won't sleep unless I fall asleep with her. I got back tonight from hanging out with the counselors, and she was fast asleep, curled up in my bed like a little angel. I didn't feel like moving her or sleeping in her bed, so I rolled her towards the wall so she wouldn't fall out, climbed up next to her, and started journaling. She snorted a bit, woke up, saw me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and fell back asleep. I'm going to miss her.

I'm not going to miss having my own bed though.. to get dressed, she pulls up a chair, throws her suitcase in my bed, climbs up in my bed, and changes there. It's one of those things where you have to pick your battles... if her dressing and sleeping is contingent on being in my bed, so be it. There are worse things.

Another cool conversation with a camper today... a guy walked up to me and I noticed he had a medal around his neck, and I asked him who it was and he said St. Joseph.. he's Catholic.. and he had gotten in an accident a few years ago, and he saw a tunnel and Jesus and Christ asked him if he wanted to give life another shot and he said yes, and he had some brain damage and he can't walk straight, but he's happy to be alive.

We went to the capital campaign with the campers today, and the camper who smiled on the horse and threw his cane and loves to dance amazed me again. Chuck told a story about the camper and how he tried to donate his own money to help build the new camp... and the camper lost his balance and fell at one point, and all day he kept trying to find whoever he fell on to make sure they were okay. He has a heart of gold. And he's adorable.. always wears a t-shirt about Jesus and his suspenders. Heart of gold.

One of the girls in our cabin came up to me today with tears in her eyes and just kept saying how much fun she had at camp... "Lordy, God bless you. I had so much fun.. God bless you." And I just wanted to look at her and say, "Are you kidding me? You changed my life this week. You're thanking me?!"

These people are beautiful. By the end of the week, you don't see their disabilities, you see their spirits, their hearts, their passions. May God give me the grace to see everyone that way.

Ragamuffin's snoring is reminding me that it's time to go to bed. Leaving tomorrow is going to be hard.. sleep will be good, but leaving will be hard. I'm going to Charleston for the weekend... Liz's mom is getting remarried, and I'm not sure if I'm going to the festivities, but I want to be around. Plus, it's Father's day.. and being at camp reminds me how much my parents have given me. So home will be good.

This summer is going to be incredible.

the day i learned about laboring love

6/13/2007

The adventures at camp continue.

Wednesday was challenging -- we didn't go horseback riding until late, and it's been raining all week, so pool has been off limits. We finally got to swim today, though -- and I had a blast playing in the pool. This summer is going to be so much fun -- I get to run around outside and play again. You don't get to do that too often when you're 20 years old. We played "tackle Bridgette" in the pool... the guys get a kick out of quasi-drowning the girl counselors. Imagine that.

The thing about "fun" at camp, though... is that there's always someone needing something not so fun. Bathroom runs, help showering, cleaning... someone always needs some help with something. So fun is fun, but it's often short and sweet. It's a labor of love.

The little things make it so worth it... I got one of our less-verbal campers to really open up today, and it was incredible. And then horseback riding... the camper who threw his cane the other day got on the horse, and his face just lit up. Chuck, the camp director, looked at me as the camper rode around and said, "Now if that smile doesn't make it worth it..."

I'm getting to spend a lot of time learning how to communicate with this awesome camper in Josh's cabin... he's deaf, and he's got the best smile. He's so patient with me, and he LOVES Ragamuffin.. watching them communicate is really inspiring. She makes up signs, he pretends to understand her, then he just pats her on the head when she's not looking and gives me the "crazy" sign.

Another cool thing... one of our counselors in our cabin, Kelly, has a prosthetic leg, and one of our campers is absolutely enamoured by it. The campers don't always understand what the prosthetic means (one of them sent Kelly a get well soon card...), but they identify with it. Her disabilitiy is on the outside, whereas theirs is often internal. So they can talk about it without getting too personal. And they can give back by "taking care" of her (even though she doesn't really need it).

One of our campers constantly asks Kelly how the leg is doing, and I'll overhear her talking to other campers saying "I just don't believe it. I don't know how she does it. She has no leg!" One of the other campers started talking about her hip replacement, and how it's like Kelly's leg but on the inside. They really do identify with her. And the camper who is obsessed with Kelly isn't the "softest" camper... she's a challenge to work with, and she's got the most stubborn personality. AND she's obsessed with crafts.. getting her out of the craft building is a battle, for sure. So seing her soften around Kelly is really beautiful. You never know what's going to do it.

Camp isn't always charming, but it's always an adventure. As is bedtime in a cabin with Ragamuffin. I'm going to go work on that.

Goodnight!

the day the campers taught me how to ghetto dance...

6/12/2007

Day two of camp.

I feel like I'm spinning out a bit. I need some good food, a nice nap... but that's not really an option right now. Some of the counselors told me I looked tired. I'm going to go to bed :)

I'm learning a lot about what I need... and it's not much. But my lifestyle is backwards in so many ways... I don't need nice restaurants and elaborate parties with friends and (so much) coffee... but I do need sleep. And prayer. And inspiration. I learned a lot of that this year, but camp is hammering it in more. Sleep, Bridgette.

So rather than write a lot, I'm going to sleep. Today was so much fun, though... we went bowling, which was a hoot. On the bus one of the campers, who just happens to be an amazing singer and rapper and dancer, decided that white-girl Bridgette needed to learn how to dance. So we went over the motorcycle, and the side snap deals, and that sort of thing...

"Bridgette, I lock it, I pop it.. but instead of dropping it, I pick it up. I'm clean."

I love dancing with the campers.. every morning is a mini dance party in the activities building.. and it's such an easy way to reach out to people -- especially boys -- who don't seem to want to get involved. I went up to one camper who has trouble walking, asked him to dance, and he hurled his cane (nearly knocking out Andrew lol) and started to break it down. You never know what people are capable of until you let them show you. Not even ask... just let them show you.

So yeah, bed. In the words of one of our campers.. "Lord, haaaave mercy."

the day i met ragamuffin

6/11/2007

First day of camp, done.

And I know this is where I'm supposed to be.

Being here on the 11th is kind of hard... it's such a stark contrast to where I was last year. But it's the good kind of hard, the kind that tugs at your heart and pushes you to grow. I'm spending it chasing around a cute curly-haired 17-year-old with Downes. It's a different kind of love, but honestly? I think it's better for me. Just keep tugging, heart. Just keeep tugging.

Our girls are really sweet -- I spent the first part of the day with a sweet 30-year-old camper, I'll call her Cil on here.. she climed out of her car, squeaked a goodbye to her parents, grabbed my pointer finger, and started dragging me to the bathroom, peering over her GIANT glasses (she's legally blind) and mumbling "Oh, me! Oh, my! Oh, me! Oh, my!" the whole way. She's tiny, too.. comes a little above my waist... and is the self-proclaimed camp welcome wagon. Drags us up to the new arrivals, sticks out her hand, squeaks out her name (she really doesn't talk... just squeaks...) and takes their picture. Knows what she wants, that Cil. Knows where she's going, too.

I'm learning already. There's no method to the madness.. you just have to dive in and go for it. If you mess up, someone will fix it. Just pray and laugh and dance and keep going. Speak softly, look at people in the eye, and let them inspire you. Try to, at least.

A lot of girls in the cabin are super independent.. we have less counselors than everyone else, so while we do have more campers, most of them are more high functioning. One of our campers repeats everything back to you...

"Love, would you like an oreo ice cream sandwhich from the Canteen?"
-"Yes, I would like an oreo ice cream sandwhich from the Canteen at 8:30, I would."

She's seriously the most positive person I've ever met. She responds to rhetorical questions with more joy and enthusiasm than most people respond to marriage proposals.

Oh, by the way, she and her boyfriend are getting engaged on Thursday, apparently.

Canteen, by the way, makes me so mad. Lauren and I gripe about it together... but seriously, there are so few options for diabetics, and the food itself is SO unhealthy.... all junk, two times a day. The rationale is that camp is vacation for the campers, so we should let them do what they want. BUT a lot of the campers don't have the knowledge necessary to make healthy food choices.. so many are overweight and type ii diabetics, just because they don't know better. UGH. So frustrating.

Most of the focus today was on my 17-year-old ragamuffin with DS... I call her ragamuffin, but the camp director calls her Annie.. as in Annie Warbucks.. because of her adorable curly red hair. She comes up to my shoulder, has the most spunk I've ever seen... nonverbal, but makes sure you know what she wants. She'll run off in a second if you stop paying attention to her.. not maliciously, just because she wants to entertain herself. She's a sweetheart, though... and her curly red locks and sweet DS smile don't help :) We did lots of active stuff... swinging, chasing, tickling, hiding, running... oh, and she loves my camera.

She took it and photographed all sorts of things.. to get the attention of some of the less responsive campers, she'd wave her arms, plaster a big grin on her face, and scream:

"WOOHOO! PTTTHP! Hey!" or "Hey! PTTHP! WOOHOO!" (some combination of three ridiculous noises)

I died laughing the first time I saw it. And she did it over. and over. and over.

At one point, Ragamuffin ran off and hid behind the stage in the activities building, so I went and sat in the doorway. Eventually she let me come in and sit in a big comfy chair and she sat in my lap. We just sat there for awhile, not really saying anything. Finally her spunk kicked back in and she started taking pictures with my camera. Then, she dragged me over to the giant fan, pulled me up a chair, had me sit.. and we screamed noises into the fan for 30 minutes.

I don't know.. but in one day I learned a lot about her... what she likes and doesn't like, how to speak with her, when to ignore her, how to make her smile... all sorts of things.

As I write this she's rummaging around the cabin. Doesn't like sleeping, apparently.

Cabin life is interesting, for sure. I threw modesty out the window in the first 30-minutes.. campers just love being naked. No fig leaves in these here parts.

No fig leaves on their hearts, either... everything is so open. One of the campers, a 30-yr-old with DS, sat down next to me by the pool:

"Bridgette, have a seat. I want to talk to you about something."
-"What's up?"
"Smell my towel. What's it smell like."
-"I don't know. What?"
"My brother. He gave it to me."
- "That's nice of him."
"He's dead. He died Feb. 16. Liver cancer."
... - "Well, he's in a good place now, though, right?"
"Yep... (he looked up to the sky) ... he's up there. With God."

... and he smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen.

So that was my June 11th, 2007. It's kind of one of those all-or-nothing things where I could either close off my heart because of the pain of the past, or open it up and celebrate the future. One look at my Ragamuffin, and I knew it was time to open up. The love here is blind... in so many ways. They celebrate abilities, rather than what people do wrong or cannot do for themselves. It's incredible.

Okay, bedtime. Lord, illuminate Your will for me throughout the day.. bless my rest that it may be nourished and peaceful! AMEN!

the day i met the most amazing campers...

6/10/2007

So open house was amazing.

So many of the campers stood out... Ryan and I got to ride on the hayride all day with Corey, so we just got to sit there and talk with families and future campers.

"Hey. You're Eve."
-"What?!"
"I'm Adam. You're Eve." (leans in for kiss...)

"Are you new?"
-"Yep. You're going to have to show me the ropes."
"Well I just come to camp to flirt with girls."

Notice a trend?

We were hanging out by the stream thingie after the whole thing was over, and we noticed one of the camper workers hiding in the bushes. We'd shout his name, and his flashlight would go out. And he'd stand there until we started talking again, then he'd turn his flashlight back on. So finally one of the staff and I went charging into the bushes to tickle him. He waits up for us all to go to bed everynight... doesn't talk to the new counselors until he gets to know us... but anytime we're telling a funny story, he'll pick a random word from what we're saying and shout it and giggle. "CONVICT!" hahahaha... he's a lot of fun.

We got our list of campers for the first week... we only get their names, their ages, their supervision level, dietary needs, and bathing independence... the rest of it is up to us to discover.

I met one of our campers on the hayride... she's a hoot. She asked me if we had a stereo in the cabin so we could rock out to some jams.... told me she's into the "Old School" stuff like BSB and NSync... she should be a lot of fun. This whole thing just seems like a lot of fun. I know it will be hard, but it's so rewarding... and the campers aren't even here yet.

So that's where I am right now.. nervous, but excited. I'm just ready for them to get here.

the day before the madness begins...

So Asheville was perfect… we went out last night for frozen custard, then sat around and watched movies in our pajamas and caught up on some correspondence. We watched this incredible movie called the Motorcycle Diaries… it’s a foreign film… all in Spanish… about this med school student and his friend who take off to explore the country and end up working with lepers and trying to heal divisions in their country… they ended up leading the Cuban revolution.

I don’t know; it made me think a whole lot about where this summer is going… I’m going into it for an adventure, but God, I pray I come out with a mission. With something more.

I’m getting nervous about this week – and watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind right now… it’s a little overwhelming. What’s more important… losing the pain of our pasts, or keeping the memories?

When push comes to shove, the memories make us who we are. I’m learning that about Spearhead, too… their memories bond them together so tightly. What happens when those bonds get torn apart but the memories are still there? A year ago I was in a cute little restaurant in Charleston, dreaming about the years to come, eating this amazing salmon dinner, in love, happy… but deathly insecure, so incredibly pained, dependent on who I thought I was, afraid of who I was becoming. I think. I don’t even remember anymore. All I know is that I’ve changed a whole lot. And that last night in Charleston freaked me out a bit… everyone hurts eventually. I think?

I guess the bottom line is this: tomorrow, new memories will come. I will never forget my first set of campers at Spearhead, the day they came into my life, the impact they will have on me. These memories will shape who I am to come, just as much, if not more, than the memories of my past.

Memories before this year… I let so much hit me skin deep. Maybe because I was afraid to let people go deeper. Maybe because I didn’t feel like I was worth it. I realized that people we love can hurt us deeper, more painfully than anyone else. With each new person in my life, I pushed them away a little bit more. So that’s the difference now… these new memories, I can let them go deeper. I don’t have to be scared anymore. I can start over by going past everything that I’ve spent this year trudging through. I feel like that’s how things have gone… I’ve had to trudge through the muck, figure things out. It’s a clean space now. Time to move in.

So as the campers move into their new space, I get to move into this clean(er), (more) joyful, (temporarily) empty space… the place where the memories to come will go. They are the new people in my life, they are what’s most important now. It’s their turn to take a whirl at my heart, impact my life… it’s my turn to let them in. I’ve got a whole lot of love to give, and lucky them… June 11, 2007. They’re moving in.

the weekend I went to a hippie drum circle

Asheville is amazing.

I decided to spend my first homeless weekend visiting Jessie up here in NC... so I threw some laundry in the car, mapquested her house, and spent Friday afternoon weaving through the mountain highways. Stopped at a cute little fruit stand and bought some breads and applebutter for Jessie's fam, and then some boiled peanuts for the road. The man at the stand was so sweet... we talked about the weather and camp and those sorts of things. It always amazes me how friendly people are down here.

The last morning at camp was good -- work projects here and there, got certified to physically restrain someone mid-meltdown, that sort of thing. A counselor found the largest frog known to man, too... the snake guy had come to get one of the poisonous ones from the water, and the snake had gotten this massive frog.. so we were trying to use the dead frog as bait to get the snake to come back out again. It was insane.

We got our t-shirts for the summer, too ... Carolina blue ... a few of the counselors wanted to die. They're not bad, though. Not bad at all.

Jessie's house is incredible... animals everywhere, it's like a little suburbian farm. Trout ponds, catfish, cute dogs, a new deaf puppy as adorable as can be, horses... it's a blast. After taking a few scenic detours, I finally got here. We had an amazing dinner of fruit salad and burgers with her family, then we visited the horse, changed, and took off to catch the end of the drum circle in Asheville.

Yep, drum circle.

Literally, a circle of hippies banging on drums and tambourines and people dancing in the middle. Yelping, dogs everywhere, dreads galore, very few bras... Asheville at its finest :) It was so free.. everyone was happy and joyful (hard to come by these days) and sooo friendly. Jessie said that most of them don't know each other, they just come and dance and meet people as they go.

You would think we'd feel out of place in our jeans and rainbows and tank tops and cutesie colors... but we didn't. That's the amazing part -- it's come-as-you-are ... even if you are different. There is no "out of place," there is no judgement. It's truly free.

I understand Jessie so much more now :)

We went to this amazing dessert place.. a little European bistro.. ran into some of her friends from high school and church which was great. The food was amazing, too.. I got this incredible lingonberry torte thing with berries all over it... Jessie got a yummy ecclair. It was like Kaminski's but better... Hungarian. lol. I used to know a few words in Hungarian. I should get back on that.

Speaking of languages.. my goal this summer is to learn a whole lotta sign language. I can say a few things already, but a lot of the counselors are really good. As we drove back to Furman from El Rancho Grande (the first stop on the Friday counselor lunch tradition), the guys signed insults back and forth in the car. Very Gone in 60 Seconds gone Spearhead. Between that experience and the week with the counselors, I can now say... how are you, fine, good, bad, hello, bathroom, and lesbian.

Yay, Scott and Josh.

Sleeping at Jessie's was awesome.. I passed out, and we didn't get up until 12, which was fantastic. We went down to the barn and washed Santana... which was quite an experience. He's definatley got the personality of a grumpy old man :) After we were done, he promptly went outside and rolled in the dust. And I learned that clover makes horses drool. A lot. And Santana seems to drool just to annoy Jessie. They have a loving relationship. hehe.

After watching Santana turn from black to brown again, we laid on the dock and just talked... so relaxing. This summer is going to be incredible... I'm never going to want to go back to school. I miss my friends at Furman, though. I really do.

So... off to rent some movies and go to some amazing frozen custard place up the road? Not quite sure :) Off early tomorrow morning to head back up to Greenville for Mass and Open House... then week one of Spearhead!

Huzzah!

the day i went to pretty place

6/7/07

I've realized that camp will never get dull. My pet peeve is when life gets to the point where one day bleeds into the next. I don't think I'm going to have to worry about that here.

Today was another day of training and getting over a rather nasty cold I've developed. I'm determinedt to make it go away. Had peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches for lunch (passed on the sloppy joes..).. which put me in an amazing mood becuase I love PB&J. A bizarre amount. It's just.. simple and good and yeah...

More training in the afternoon, then cabin decorating... our cabin theme is a Luau/Beach deal so we put leis on the shelves and Finding Nemo posters everywhere... orange and pink and yellow streamers, that sort of thing. It's cute :)

Dinner was fannnnntastic.. chicken fingers at camp are better than the grilled ones at school, for sure. I sat with some counselors that I hadn't gotten to know as well during the week, which was nice. I'm learning more and more that everyone has a story... everyone has a method to the madness. Discovering those stories can be breathtaking.

We got our camper list for next week... we'll have 8 campers in our cabin, one will be needing one-on-one attention, one will be a camper worker, and six other wonderful women. It sounds like one girl is blind, and we have four women with downes syndrome. It should be an incredible adventure.. I can't wait. (PS.. the pic is me and the other counselors in our cabin!)

After dinner we had a much needed break, so I threw on my swimsuit and sat by the pool and journaled and read and went by the stream and rocked on a swing. I've realized that I don't need a whole lot to be content... but alone time is definately up there. Cutting back, even for a week, has made me realize a lot. As long as I have my journal, my prayer books, enough t-shirts, caffiene, advil, stationary, and some flip flops.. I can be content for a long time.

We went up to Pretty Place at night to kind of reflect on the week and have our last huzzah before Open House... everyone talked about why they were there, what made them come back... again, everyone has a story. I realized as I thought through everything... I'm here because this is a place where abilities are celebrated. This year has been insane, and in that insanity God taught me that you can either look at what can't be done, or see what someone is capable of. Our capabilities allow us to inspire one another. Why look elsewhere?

So yes, my last night here before Open House on Sunday.. which will be our last night without campers. Let the adventure begin...

the day i learned to shag

6/6/07

Today was wonderful.

We got to sleep in a little bit... and I had diet coke in the morning (I had gotten it the night before when we went to Walmart to get cabin decor). The kick of caffiene made all the difference, and I was much more chipper than usual. We did some training and such in the morning, then had chicken patties for lunch. Apparently, chicken patty day is sacred... if that says anything :).

The afternoon was nice.. helped with the dams again becuase Chuck said they weren't high enough. Ooh.. and I skipped my first rock. Redeemed my previous attempts. AND I went in the stream after a poisonous snake was spotted. Out of control.

Getting to know the counselors has been really good.. I've made some real friends, and these people are incredible. They're all up here because of different experiences and desires, but we all have the same big goal. I love deep one-on-one talks, and we've had plenty of those. It's fantastic.

Had an hour break so I took the Glass Castle, my journal, and my ipod up to one of the waterfalls. The other counselors laughed at me because it's really not a big deal to go to the waterfalls.. its barely a 5 minute walk and the campers go up there all the time... but I've decided that this waterfall is going to be "my waterfall" during nap time. It was so peaceful.. I didn't use the ipod because the running water was so much more beautiful. The book is amazing, too.. its the autobiography of a woman who was neglected as a child.. its fascinating to see her put positive spins on these horrible memories because of her childhood innocense. Deep and refreshing.

After dinner some of us went to see the farm where we take the campers horseback riding... Chuch said it would take 17 minutes to get there, and we timed it... 17:04. The guy is incredible. When we got there, he told us a story about how a girl who had no use of her arms or legs got bucked off a horse and he caught her with his bare hands. He's such a cute little old man.

Counselor: "Chuck, what's the horse's name?"
Chuck: "Well, I don't know.. one of the horses died."
Counselor: "Well, I'm going to guess this isn't that horse..."

At night we had counselor square dancing, which was SO much fun. Scott was my partner, and he hates that sort of thing so it was fun watching him suffer through it a bit :). He kept clenching his fists and saying "but I don't wanna..." Classic. He managed to make his cabin theme Spiderman. Surprise, surprise.

Afterwards Cam decided it was a travesty that a Charleston girl doesn't know how to shag, so he taught me the steps... we're going to try it to music later. He's a fun guy :)

I love it here -- everything is rural and clean and there's a little fruit stand down the road... as I get more comfortable, it becomes more homey. I feel independent here.

"Lord, help me to be clear in speech and prudent and confident in my actions... grant me humility to love You always!"

the day i learned you can be born at bob jones

6/5/07

Phew! First full day of camp. Done.

It's getting better -- a lot of us are new, and that helps a whole lot. Most of the people are really nice, too ... it will be a joy to spend my summer with them!

Let's see... woke up at 7:20 for breakfast at 8. Slept really well, too. And woke up to 240 mini muffins.

We ate muffins all day.

We had this crazy man come in to train us today. Had a crazy man yesterday, too, but he actually was really good at leading team building stuff. I usually hate those sorts of things, but these were really fun.. and being the "new kid," I actually got to know people through them. We did an awkward touching game yesterday where people called out body parts that we had to match together.. that sort of thing. I'm not really a touchy person, but hey -- why not. I also got blindfolded and led to jump off a treestump by one of the counselors. Somehow it became a bonding moment, and we're now "BFFs" (sorry, Dorny...). It's a special friendship.

Training was actually helpful... as we get more into disability training it all gets more interesting. We keep learning about the campers' lives through stories, too... I have these vivid characters in my mind. I can't wait to meet them.

Lots of counselor bonding time -- after lunch, Chuck (the founder of the camp... this absolutely adorable older man who cares more for those campers than I thought imaginable...) had us do manual labor... and I got to help build a dam! Even better -- I got in the water after seeing a poisonous snake. Dam building was really fun. Turned into trying to skip rocks... the guys are all really good, but I failed miserably.

I've already made a fool out of myself quite a few times, too... I was introducing myself to some of the counselors and I went to kneel on a bench but I underestimated how far away it was and ended up toppling over. Classy, right? I keep spilling stuff, too.. so I change a bazillion times a day.

Moving around feels great... trudging through the stream in chacos (they're actually amazingly comfortable.. I'm going to be living in them this summer) was fun, and the weather has been really nice -- with the exception of the first afternoon, not too hot.

Ended up getting into a really deep theological discussion/debate with two BJU students in a field while we were stargazing... they found out I was Catholic and we just started sending questions back and forth. It was respectful and classy... I think we all got some stuff out of it. I reassured them that no, I don't believe that Jesus and Mary Mag got hitched, nor do I think that I can hate Jesus and do good stuff and still get into Heaven just because of what I do.

After a lot of debate, I think I helped them to see that we pretty much agree on the faith and works stuff -- Catholics don't believe that your works determine your salvation.. rather, they are outward expressions of your faith. If your heart is in the right place, your life will reflect that order. We just say the same thing in very different ways.

I also learned that you can, in fact, be born at BJU (in the hospital), then go to school all your life there, and then even teach there if you're so brave. Literally, you can be born and raised at BJ.

It was so good to have one of those adrenaline-rushing-heart-pumping conversations where both sides could grow... the otehr counselors think I'm a bit nuts, but that's how I roll. I love one on one conversations... I get to know people better in small groups. BJU actually reminded me a little bit of the discipline of the religious life... without the sacraments, of course. And the students' emphasis on their families and the authority of their parents... it's reall inspiring. So good came out of all of it.

"Jesus, thank you for today -- may my heart be filled with Your Love and overflow with Your kindness. Be with me as I struggle to put aside any of my stupid insecruities... let me focus rather on the security of Your eternal friendship! AMEN"

the day my life fit in a duffell bag

little edited snippets from the journal :)

6/9/07

Well, I made it to camp. Night one.

Mom called thismorning and left me a voicemail about how princesses don't go camping. Then she just laughed. I'm not quite sure what the voicemail meant, but it was an odd goodbye :) Couldn't expect anything less, I suppose.

The camp is beautiful... it's 170 acres of beautiful land, tucked away. There's a full put put course, hay rides, a lake with paddle boats and a pontoon boat, canteen, swingsets, places to fish, pool, arts and crafts building, fireflies, trails, waterfalls... it's really incredible.

The ride up was... liberating. There's something about leaving home and doing what I need to do, you know? I felt very independent... not really knowing where I was going, not really having a plan. I'm slowly realizing that God's plans really are better than my own. This summer will be a time when I can really be open to Him.

I'm going to miss my family and friends, but I'm ready. Let's see what He has in store!


I left home when I was seventeen
I just grew tired of falling down
And I'm sure I was told
The allure of the road
Would be all I found

And all the answers that I started with
Turned out questions in the end
So years roll on by
And just like the sky
The road never ends

And the people who love me still ask me
When are you coming back to town
And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And all God needs is gravity to hold me down

And the people who love me still ask me
When are you coming back to town

And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And there ain't no more highways to be found

And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And all God needs is gravity to hold me down

allison krauss . gravity

aah!

So my heart is happy. Very, very happy.

I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I'll write more soon, but I just wanted to send out there that I made it through week one happily and safely. I grew a little bit each day, met some incredible people, learned some sweet skills, and played like I was a kid again. It's going to be a challenging summer, but it will be amazing. I'm sure of it.

Some things I accomplished:

- figured out how to tighten chacos... finally

- realized i can, in fact, fit my entire life in a laundry basket and a duffel bag for 9 weeks

- learned you can actually be BORN and raised at bob jones

- built a dam

- learned that lighter fluid should never go on one's behind.. nor should it be lit

- saw the largest frog EVER

- played in water with poisonous snakes

- learned to SHAG!!

- found the perfect waterfall for "me time"

- skipped my first rock... after a lot of practice

- line danced (with a grumpy partner lol)

- took on two bob jonesians in a theological debate about Catholicism.. by myself

- got licked by a horse

- experienced the joy of 240 muffins

- learned how to restrain a crazy person.. by learning on a crazy person

- started an amazing new book... Glass Castle

- learned that Chuck can accurately time ANYTHING

- made our cabin into Luau-Land

- realized i really don't need a lot to be happy

- had my first trip to Pretty Place.... incredible. esp. at night!

- planned adventures for the homeless club :)

- had an amaaaaaaaazing training week!

More later... I'm off to Asheville to visit miss Jessie until open house on Sunday! I'm sure we'll have some processing time together later, so I'll probably write then! Keep me in your prayers!

a few favorites..

she's graduated!...

i miss these kids... we're so classy...

oh, pugnians...

who wears the pants?

change your mind

Hey, Hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no
If you never want to have
To turn and go away
You might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay

Yeah yeah ...
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah ...
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in…

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

Hey hey
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow

Hey hey
what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway

sister hazel . change your mind

sunny side up

So part deuce of my noche (yeah. international. do it.)

Went to Jackie's graduation party... which was extravagant and gorgeous (of course).... sunset over the water, No Hit Wonders (aah!), open bar (clearly)... a lot of fun.

Frustrating part of the evening, though, was hearing (yet again) about my life through the grapevine. It absolutely amazes me how twisted stories can get.. and when you ask someone where they heard something, they mention some random person who knows no more than they do.

After thinking about it for awhile, though, I realized that my frustration has a much deeper root than that. And it's hard to explain. But I had a great conversation with a friend from school.. and I think we figured a lot of it out. Rather than delve into the specifics of how I got there, I'll just share what I've learned.

A big part of the mission behind Spearhead is looking at people's abilities rather than their disabilities. You can look at people for what they can't do -- but how will that benefit us? If we look at peoples' disabilities, we fuel our own pride. If we look at people's abilities, though... we humble ourselves enough to be inspired.

It's the same way with personalities and lifestyles and the things that make us who we are -- we can look at the things people do wrong, but that will only turn to judgement. Rather, if we look at the good in them -- if we allow everyone to inspire us, even a prostitute can bring us to God.

That's something I've realized a lot this term -- my friends are nuts. I bounce from crew to crew, and each one tends to be crazier than the last. But here's the thing -- they are the most amazing, genuine, compassionate, and real people I've ever met. Everyone has their flaws, but I would love nothing more than for God to make me blind to those. When I see them, I just get proud. It's time to celebrate the abilities of our friends.

The amazing part is looking at all of this in relation to ministry and sharing our lives with others. If friendships are formed on celebrating each others' strengths, the inspiration will be mutual.. and we wouldn't have to be preachy and condescending when we disagree. Simply being ourselves -- being genuine -- will speak more than a thousand words.

Preach the Gospel at all times. When necesary, use words.

-St Francis of Assisi

Appreciate others, and they just may appreciate you. Better yet -- they may appreciate God through you. God blesses us with each other for a reason -- that's the beauty of the Christian community. No one's faults should ever keep them from being worthy of a conversation, of a friendship, of a prayer. Their strengths -- we all have them -- are meant to be shared. Why do we let pride get in the way?

So celebrate we will

For life is short but sweet for certain...

- DMB

through them

So today was insane.

I don't really know where to begin... I might break this up into a few posts. There's just a LOT on my mind.

I packed my life into two duffel bags and a laundry basket.. one bag for camp, one for weekends.. laundry basket with bedding and towels and books and a few odds and ends (a fold out floor-sized game of chutes and ladders from my secret santa, for instance). I'm also keeping a little laundry basket in the car with laundry detergent, granola bars, febreeze, and tanning oil. All you need to have a good weekend lol...

So packing was an accomplishment. Still have to figure out which t-shirts I can part with for the summer... but that will be an adventure for the morning.

Went to Mass tonight at the Cathedral and it was beautiful. The music and everything was good (I mean, it always is. It's the Cathedral.)... but God really treated me with some reassurance throughout the liturgy. He always gives us what we need, doesn't he?

I got to Mass and knelt to pray before it began and I put before Him that I was really nervous about tomorrow -- leaving everything I'm used to, going somewhere where I only know a few people, enterring into a really big challenge.. anyways, I opened my manual of prayers and it was a page I had never read before... some prayers by St. Frances de Sales:

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life with fear. Rather, look to them with full confidence that, as they arise, God to whom you belong will in his love enable you to profit by them. He has guided you thus far in life. Do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all trials. Whenever you cannot stand, He will carry you lovingly in His arms.

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same Eternal Father who takes care of you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Be at peace then, and put aside all useless thoughts, all vain dreads, and all anxious imaginations.

And I prayed this prayer over and over, and as I looked up I realized that a man had sat down in front of me, and as he turned I realized he had Downes Syndrome. So for the rest of Mass, as I looked at the altar I looked past the man. When I looked at Christ, I looked through the man.

May that be my summer: gazing at Christ through the people I meet.

So Mass was wonderful... gained the strength I need to get this crazy summer started. Another prayer by St. Francis de Sales:

"O my God: Henceforth I resolve to strive earnestly to be patient and gentle, and not to allow the waters of contradiction to extinguish the fire of that charity which I owe to my neighbor."

Amen!

quote

I am imperfect in many things, nevertheless I want my brethren and kinsfolk to know my nature so that they may be able to perceive my soul's desire.

Saint Patrick

so many thoughts..

Well, I leave for camp in less than 36 hours.

...and I've gone from excited to a tad terrified.

I don't know, I talked to my parents today about everything, and they kept telling me that this is a bad idea... my dad hasn't really supported it from the beginning. They don't like the idea of me living out of my car 3 days a week, nomadically "futon hopping" accross the upstate, etc. Understandable, I suppose.

I just really want to work at this camp.

Part of the appeal is that its all so new -- I'm a spontaneous person, I love surprises and trying to live moment to moment... so and a new camp, new people, new life for the summer... so appealing.

Another part is that working with people with disabilities is something I'm passionate about. It's hard to describe why -- I think that this year played a big part in it, though. I realized how much more joy comes from living a healthy, happy, God-centered life. I want to spend my life helping other people figure out how to do that for themselves, too. God's blessed me with a heart for this type of work -- it kind of takes me over soul, mind, and body. I rely on God more because I remember I don't have the answers. I stretch my mind more because I have to solve probelms in new ways. It's a celebration of the abilities of the body -- sometimes realizing what we lack puts into perspective the perfection of God.

This summer will be perfect.

So what am I so afraid of? A big part of it is the counselors... which I know is the dumbest thing EVER. I just haven't been the "new kid" in awhile -- even entering college.. I had my best friend from high school by my side. This winter was the closest thing I've ever come to really starting a new life... but even then parts of the old layered on the new.

Maybe the anxiety of meeting so many new people will help me take on the perspective of any nervous campers better -- Lord, may I identify with them and make them feel welcome :)

Okay.. what else. Missing out on summer in Charleston is going to be bittersweet -- I adore my friends from high school and will miss them dearly... but I will not miss the drama. At all. Although I hear camp has it's share, too. Anyways -- maybe absense will make the heart grow fonder :). I love writing letters and e-mails, and taking the time to think before I communicate saves my butt often. You can erase written words, not spoken ones. Selective terrets has always been my vice.

I'm also scared I'm just flat out not going to be able to keep my endurance up all summer (I blame my parents for this one...). Mom keeps saying how worried she is that I'm not going to have an escape... I won't sleep in my own room unless I'm home visiting. It's a little intimidating, but I'm sure I'll adjust. Besides, I want a challenge... I'm craving one. I'm not a competitive person when it comes to intrapersonal interractions... but I'm competitive when it comes to me trying to grow past something.

Besides, I'll have to find my rest in God.

So basically, this summer is shaping up to be yet another crazy growth opportunity. This year has been filled with those :).

Tomorrow will be a good final huzzah in Charleston. I get to go to Mass in my favorite city in America... I don't even know which church yet because there are two that hold my heart :). It will be a good time to calm down and focus before I leave Monday morning.

Tomorrow afternoon will be family time and packing. This brief time at home has flown by far too quickly... I think August will be my time to really focus on spending individual time with each of them. And packing? So far I've figured out what I'm brining and have bought all the things I needed to buy... and I got cute little bins to keep my letter writting / journaling / books and then hair stuff / face stuff in... but I spent more time taking a sharpie to them than putting things in them.

I really love sharpies.

No, okay... they each have a cute vintagey design on the lid - one floral, one candyland-esque... with a bunch of my favorite quotes all over the lids. My dad laughed at me, but I think he's just jealous he doesnt have my sweet sharpie skills.

Ha.

Tomorrow night is Jackie's graduation party -- I can't believe she's getting so old! It will be good to see the entire Charleston crew there, too... by entire, I mean entire. Nothing like a little goodbye-drama to seal out my 5 days home :). No, I'm kidding. I have faith in everyone that they can hold their tongues and behave for one night. Keeping them clear from alcohol would help, I'm sure.. but Lord knows that's not going to happen.

Then off I go... early Monday morning :) ... I'm going to try to head out early so I can return some stuff at a mall and get up to Greenville in time to find the camp (yeah, haven't even been there... maybe that's part of the problem) and be there at 3ish. Maybe stop at Furman first? Grab lunch with a friend? Not quite sure...

Okay, I'm going to try to put my clothes away before I go to bed... will make it much easier to pack in the morning. Camp packing is easy -- t-shirts and running shorts. It's that whole... what do I keep in my car for weekends thing?

Okay, eep! Nervous excitement! AAH!


“It is here, my daughters, that love is to be found... not hidden away in corners but in the midst of occasions of sin. And believe me, although we may more often fail and commit small lapses, our gain will be incomparably the greater.”
St. Teresa of Avila

pat tries to cook

Patrick tried to make lo mein today. Pat doesn't cook. At all. Or do much of anything, really. I personally worry about his eating when he gets to college... praise Jesus for dining halls. So he boils the water, cooks the noodles, then strains the noodles... over the counter.

It didn't occur to him to put the strainer over the sink.

Nolan went to the zoo last week... and a little bird landed on his shoulder, then started attacking the mole on his neck thinking it was a bug.

It never gets old around here.

5 fun things you can see in my house...

5. the dog sleeping in the bathtub. my bathtub, specifically.

4. wine corks as soda bottle lids.. apparently it helps?

3. a hole in the wall where a computer monitor was kicked through

2. cookies in kashi cereal boxes... where mom knows no one will looked

1. my mother in her comfy chair on pain meds


... i give up :)

helplessness orientation

Okay, so I used my sweet psych skills to counsel my family today. One of my brothers has a "helplessness orientation," and my dad has a "mastery orientation"... so they fight because they solve problems differently. Granted, one way is a lot better than the other.. but usually the parents influence the orientation. So the whole thing is a mess.

Anyways, we talked a lot about having bad days and getting too down about them... and this song played on the radio and I had never listened to they lyrics before, but he has such a point.


Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to-go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Daniel Powter . Bad Day

motu proprio

bliss

1 am.
my journal.
chilled white wine.
blackberries and rasberries.

i love home.

but i don't wanna...

So packing was daunting, yes. But unpacking and then repacking in 3 days?

Terrifying.

I made lists of what to bring to camp, but who knows what will end up in that car. I've never lived out of a car before. Parsimony and frugality... themes of my summer. I'm broke and I'm homeless three nights a week. Sweet :).

I decided today that my goal is to take each of my brothers on a sissy-date before I leave Monday morning... they grow up too fast, and I hate not seeing them as much anymore. I was thinking a movie and gelato with Nolan (12 years old), something outdorsey and crazy with Eric (16 years old)... maybe try to go parasailing?, and Waffle House with Pat (18 years old)... because all he really likes to do is eat WaHo.

No, seriously. He had his Sweet 16 there. My mom made a cake in the shape of WaHo and they took a picture and put it on the wall in the "restaurant." It's ridiculous. It was the first b-day party they'd ever had there... and my brothers friends always get each other gag gifts from Goodwill for birthdays (a wheelchair was gifted once... old NSync CDs... broken lamps...), so I'm sure that added to it even more.

My family is ridiculous.

It's so good to be home, though. I've loved having a kitchen (stole Tyner's idea and made a baked stuffed tomato for linner today... so yummy!), spending time with my insane (and partially doped up) mother, and cuddling with Boomer.

Who, by the way, missed his hair appointment because he wasn't updated on his rabies vaccine. Rabid beast, that one.

Ooh. Okay. So I got chacos today because I've wanted them foreverrrr and I know I'll use them like crazy at camp. And they make me happy. And they're really comfy. And they're blue and green. And I feel like a hippie when I wear them.

Oh, I miss Jessie.

I miss everyone, actually. It's not to that heart-wrenching yearning stage yet (hehe), but it's weird going from living with three of my best girlfriends to living with three stinky teenage boys. I'm so outnumbered. I think my brothers mellow me out, though -- they keep me from getting too uptight. Embracing the insanity is essential for surviving around here...

Speaking of insanity, I must unpack and repack my room now... or I'll be up foreeever on Sunday night trying to get it done after all of the graduation parties. Bah.

Oh, and PS... pray for Blake. He's dying from mono (not really dying persay.. but really really really sick..)... it went around Furman like crazy this term, and one of the guys in his frat had it and drank out of a cup that everyone passed around not knowing he had it.. and yeah, I think four guys got it? It's really bad.

Okay, yes. Packing. Go.

St. Joseph, pray for us!

"The more you are afflicted, the more you ought to rejoice, because in the fire of tribulation the soul will become pure gold, worthy to be placed and to shine in the heavenly palace."
- St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina

the haircut :)

negativity

So, I decided to chop off my hair today. And with it.. my negativity :)

That's my summer goal, my friends: bad-attitude-parsimony. Hold me to it. No more gossip, no more whining... it's about darn time. I've been too mopey lately -- I'm bumming myself out :) So alas and alack.. let the summer begin!

Today was really nice -- spent a lot of quality time with mother, got all of my clothes for camp (except for shoes.. tomorrow is shoe day), chopped off my hair...

Oh, yes, funny story. Okay, so last night I decided to be like the people on Bravo and cut my bangs. Here's the funny part: I stink at cutting bangs. I destroyed them.

... thankfully, the nice lady today fixed them.

Anyways, tonight I went to Longpoint Grille with Liz and Amy... quality girls evening out. It's so good coming home and having friends here who will always be here. If not physically, emotionally. We've all invested in this place. The restaurant was amazing. I had this pan-roasted chicken with sweet potatoes and asparagus. Uber-yum. The owners are incredible -- they're a Catholic couple from Christ Our King and their restaurants are the "classics" in Mt. Pleasant -- Sette VII, Boulevard Diner, The Mustard Seed, now Longpoint Grille and apparently a new Mexican place I'm going to have to try out. I think there might be one more? Anyways.. they're all different, they're all fabulous... good memories at those places.

Afterwards we went to Amy's and hung out for a bit, then out to Barnes and Noble to look at room magazines and baby name books. Times have certainly changed -- baby-maker-Bridgette is dead. I still think they're cute, but the thought of me having one right now freaks me out. Maybe its because some of my friends are pregnant and I'm realizing that hey -- we're not that young anymore. So Liz and Amy poured over baby names and I poured over tapestries.

Afterwards we went to Kaminski's... an adorable coffee and dessert bar that's really popular down here. And we ran into the rest of the world there... Jonathan, Cullen, Alex, Brent, Chrissy, and Jessie...

I get so confused. I can't keep up with everyone and who's doing what and who's friends with whom and it's a little insane. But I enjoyed seeing everyone nonetheless. It will be good to get away from the drama at camp I think. I can focus on the campers and bringing joy to them. It's always easier to love your friends than your family, though... and my friends from home are definately like a mini-family. We fight like crazy, but we also love like crazy. You can never really run away from your family.

That's what I'm learning this year... there are some things you just can't run away from. God, your health, your family, love, the Eucharist, the call to holiness, Confession, your past, your dreams, your mistakes, your life.

I think that's why its so hard to let go of friends.. I know that love is an eternal virtue that will be totally fulfilled in heaven. The nature of love isn't transient, so neither should be the people we love. Maybe that's the source of heart break... the eternal inclinations fighting the fact that, because we're fallen, we mess it up.

Key word: we.

The kicker about original sin is that it doesn't stop with one person... we're a community; God has woven us together. So my own heart break, in a sense, is kind of my own fault. We all contribute to the chaos every time we gossip or lie or exhibit pride. While we may not "deserve" what we get, we certainly aren't entitled to any better. It's the humility of the Christian life -- our sin strips us of our entitlement, yet Christ has restored us to our dignity. That's why we must treat each other with dignity, gentleness, and love, yet expect nothing in return. Heartbreak is the opportunity to seize the joy of the Resurrection. Carpe the proverbial and often painful diem, if you will.

So that's the long story of why my new goal in life is kindness. :)

Phew. Okay. Back to my "Bridgette time" ... Colbert Report, a chilled glass of wine, and crafting :)... I'm making these really cool collage pannels for my room in the apartment next year!!!! WHEE!!!


"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting." -Mother Teresa