inspiration

yay, jessie. yay, yay, yay!

i finally got to see jessie. *finally*. and it was one of those things where it didnt' feel like we hadn't seen each other since she left for england. which i plan to attribute to our kindred spirits. we got to catch up over coffee, mid-afternoon dessert, and hippie-watching in asheville. perfect :)

so thought for the day... inspiration. the most fulfilling relationships in my life are those of mutual inspiration -- where each person is inspired by the other, by the world around them. i've realized that i can attribute every failed relationship (by relationship i'm mostly talking about the friend kind) in my life to some sort of flunked inspiration. either one of us wasn't inspired by our own life, or we failed to be inspired by each others'... or even more bizarre, one was too inspired by the world around them and it blew up.

not literally, of course. although.. perhaps the buick was a bit too inspired.

stepping beyond friendship to family... as i grow older, i'm more inspired and awed by my parents and my brothers. no matter what sort of family drama befalls us (and there has been plenty), they've never ceased to amaze me. i am fully convinced that my mom has the most beautiful, hilarious personality in the world... and that my dad could get our entire family out of any awful circumstance with a roll of duct tape and a match (those of you who know my dad, i'm sure, will agree). pat will always blindly attract the ladies, eric will always be able to get out of anything with a wink and a grin, and nolan will always be the kid who gives life his best shot. they're incredible. and as i'm more inspired by them, our relationship grows. i feel like inspiration comes with age, too... which makes me look forward to the future.

stepping beyond family to God -- my relationship with the world falls apart when i don't feel inspired -- when i don't seek to be inspired. i get grumpy, i get selfish, i get mean-spirited... i'm no longer myself. which makes total sense -- we are formed by what inspires us, by the world we seek for ourselves. my formation -- who i am, who i am meant to be -- falls apart when i'm not held up by reflection and prayer... and by the fruitful life that stems from reflection and prayer.

look at the feet, rather than the lips.

hmm.. so that's my new little goal (i seem to be finding lots of those these days)... be inspired. and don't be afraid of potential inspiration.

like... per say... this summer. i got an e-mail back from one of the top autism researchers in the country -- and she has space in her lab for me to work this summer... which blows my mind -- this is the chance i've been looking for. i'm a little scared, which is silly -- i know that i cannot pass up this opportunity -- i got butterflies when i read her response. it will be incredible and life changing and amazing experience for grad school discernment (she's one of the top professors in a great clinical phd program)... it's just scary to seek inspiration where we've never sought it before, you know?

:) i'm excited.

so, onward and upward, yes? it's time to grow up. sort of. ;)

so tonight i'm packing and heading to greer, and tomorrow we're heading to myrtle until the 1st to go see corey smith on new years eve!!!!!!!!!!!!! which will be amazing and wonderful and i am SO freakin' excited. and then... rush and classes and work starts up again. it's going to be a crazy two weeks, but break has been very relaxing, so i think i'm ready.

many stories to tell when i return, i'm sure! happy new year, everyone!

next time you think your boyfriend is bad...

... be thankful you're not dating this guy.

spiking a girls drink to get her pregnant is bad. but the idea that anyone could actually formulate the idea of spiking a girls drink to destroy her baby is another.

this is really bad. i mean, yay, wisconsin for prosecuting him... definately says something about the often unspoken intrinsic value of life in politics. but gosh.

argh.

couldn't want anything more

sounds like a bad country song, doesn't it?

i left a friend a voicemail today... and i was trying to sum up christmas break and life in general, and i said it before i could even think it... "you know? i think it's the first time in my life i'm not wanting something more."

it's not that i'm suddenly void of motivation or passion... just the opposite. i want to love what i have to the fullest... i've been so blessed -- with an amazing family, wonderful friends, a great education, a fantastic job, a wonderful relationship -- and most importantly, i have the raw sustenance to love God. we all do. isn't that all we need?

st. therese had this quote in story of a soul -- my favorite book :) -- about greatness. something about us each being like different sized jars and God filling us each to our capacity. there's no purpose in desiring a greater jar -- God will fill us to the brim as is. pride is desiring more than we were created to handle. whether we're a mason jar or a beer keg.. God can bless each of our lives in just the right amount -- He'll fill us perfectly.

maybe that's the danger in putting our faith in things other than God -- in bad habits or relationships or friendships or things -- we won't be filled to perfection. only God has the omnipotence to do that -- to know us better than we know ourselves. it's kind of a magical thing, isn't it?

so there's my thought about break -- that's what i've come away reflecting on. i'm sad about leaving my family to go back to school -- i hate leaving them, i hate missing out on the craziness and adventures that happen here... i miss watching the boys grow up. but i know this is all part of life. and i'm so thankful and grateful that my parents have raised me in a way that i can appreciate growing up. they gave me a lot more freedom than i probably deserved. they put a lot of trust in me.

i don't know why i'm in such a ridiculously cheesy mood -- it's all those christmas carols, i suppose. lots of nice conversations with old friends over break, too -- it's been wonderful. and i've started to appreciate the cappuccino -- i drank them in italy senior year, and forgot how much i loved them -- and they're rather cheap, too. so here's to the cappuccino, and the wonderful conversations that pour over it.

:) off to do laundry and finish packing... boomer is unpleased, to say the least. he absolutely hates when we leave, so he throws himself on the floor in the most inopportune place, it's kind of adorable. my packing strategy is awful -- i hate suitcases, so i insist on packing in shopping bags and laundry baskets. i should probably get over myself -- it's a lot easier to tote a suitcase around than a laundry basket, but oh well.

santa brought me lots of kitchen goodies, so i'm excited about expanding my cooking skills when a get back to school... we got two waffle irons for christmas, so i'm taking one to school.. plus a croc pot, george foreman, and food processor. i'm so stoked.. i can make homemade salsa! and waffles! not together, of course...

i really want to get into making jewelry.. it's an expensive hobby though.. really expensive. cheaper than buying stuff, i suppose -- plus, you can fix it when you break it (i'm a bit accident prone -- cory's a great fixer... we work well, don't we?)

ooh... i get to see cory tomorrow... i'm so excited. six months... who would have thought? :) i'm excited about spending some time with his family, too -- i dont remember the last time i saw all of them together. fall term got so busy...

so greenville tomorrow, then asheville, then greenville, then myrtle, then back to school!!! busy few days, but i'm excited. and ready. and can't wait...

YAY! :-D

where i came from...

one more family story. an amazing one.

my great gradfather goostaf (grandma kelleher's dad) apparently worked at the bar that INVENTED happy hour on wallstreet... according to legend, he suggested it... and then he opened his own bar.

so i descend from happy hour.

i write this as i sip wine. ah, the life of an irish-german-Catholic.

what we are made for...

yay, Christmas.

it's been a wonderful day -- lots of family time, lots of down time... it's been great. and lots of time to think. i've gotten most of my to-do list done over break.. tackling the last little bits now. hopefully tomorrow i'll be done with everything i can do without the stuff that i intentionally left in greenville. tomorrow... returns, laundry, catching up with the last few people. then thursday... greenville :)

here's my thought for the day... we were made for something. like with the guilt thing that's been nagging at me all term (there's some irony, eh?)... yes, guilt comes from violating a social norm.... but why? why is it that our hearts work the way they do? we're influenced, yes, but we also influence.. there's something inside of us that interracts with the world we actively live in. and that something was created within us, so that "something" must come from God.

fr. reminded me the other day that everything God creates is good... that bad stems from the lack of God.. from the lack of good. it uplifted my heart... to think that the struggles within us are so natural, they're so engraved in who we are and who we were created to be.

it may seem like a little thing, but it was one of those big little breakthroughs that comes with time. and cait will be happy to hear this -- but i'm going to go ahead and attribute this one to the sacramental graces. so thanks, confession.

merry christmas :)

christmas :)

so i'm up at a ridiculous hour in the morning because it's christmas and i'm excited. i'll blame it on nolan being up (we caught each other at the christmas tree at 5am) and me hearing him stomping around upstairs... but let's be honest, i'm 10 years old at heart, too.

the last few days have been pretty great... a lot of time at home with the fam. went to mass on sunday and went to confession, which was really really good.i still have work to do, but i figure thats part of life -- and i'm really happy with my decision. i didn't "plan it" this way, but christmas eve mass ended up being my first time receiving the eucharist in awhile... which was beautiful. i was praying about it, and my heart just felt right. for awhile, i've been feeling like my heart and my soul were at odds, but i felt whole last night. i feel whole now. it's great... i'm back :).

soooo my family got to talking last night, and it was one of those classic kelleher conversations...

we needed to call eric because he was with wendy, so dad handed mom his cell phone. mom responds with, "what number is he on speed dial?".. and dad said "i don't use speed dial, i just hit send and scroll."

.. which started a car-wide debate about speed dial. by car-wide, i mean us vs. mom.

"pete, how don't you use speed dial? i have a speed dial for everyone... your office is 3, your cell is 4.. eric has always been 6. birdy used to be 10, but someone else needed that one so i moved her to 5, pat's 19..."
dad: "wait, stephanie. how did someone NEED number 10?"
"my new coworkers needed a strong number; it's all in the finger dexterity. 10 is easy to dial. 1, 0."
dad: "wouldn't 7 be easier?"
pat: -- "mom, why am i 19?"
"it's your birthday"
me: "but my birthday is the 2nd, and i'm number 10-now-5"
"don't question the method."
pat: "well who is 7? can i have 7?"
"no one is 7. seven is unlucky. so is 13.. no one is 13, either."
nolan: "but eric's birthday is the 13th.. friday the 13th.. what does that say about him?"
"that's why he's 6. he's always been 6."
pat: "why am i 19?"
"your birthday"
dad: "let's change the subject. stephanie, do you ever chant at yoga?"
"sometimes. but the yoga lady brought her organ the other day and i thought that was silly.. i mean, who needs an organ to play one note over and over? so i've been doing more pilates now."
dad: "just wondering"

and that, my friends, was our family conversation.

classic.

dad's been more talkative than usual this break -- it's been rather entertaining. he sat down next to me yesterday while i was doing my 60 tridelta thank you notes (they're done! hooray!! and they're cute, too!) and he just looked at me and said, "bridgette, you're too damn organized."

the family is growing up. you'd think we'd be grown up enough to sleep past 5 on christmas morning :)... but hey -- how much fun would that be?

colbert in charleston!?

so totally didn't get the memo, but colbert is in charleston tonight.

wade and i might go stalk him after his sold out show. sounds like fun, no?

i'm having a productive few days -- catching up on delta stuff, finished christmas shopping today.. new cell phone :).. now its just time to finish painting christmas presents and addressing thank you notes.

people keep sending references for tridelt.. and its making it really hard to get on top of stuff. we're just finally getting all the lists up to date, and i'm getting crazy numbers of emails from alumns. its nuts!

i'm getting kind of excited about christmas. i just haven't been into it this year.. i think a big part has been the spiritual stuff. but i've started reading every night, which has really helped. and i've made little goals, you know? those help, too.

i really want to sit down and talk to a priest.. its just so crazy right now with being in charleston, and i'm kind of torn between talking to my old spiritual director here or trying to find someone closer to school. it's just hard to find people whose spiritualities match your own, you know? caitlyn and i were talking about it the other day in terms of relationships -- i know that i surround myself with people who have spiritualities similar to my own (i'm a dominican at heart, always have been)... our hearts are all "ordered," if you will.

to contemplate and to give to others the fruit of our contemplation

yep, that's me.

oh, i'm a nerd. i'm going to go wrap presents now :)

so much for fantasy

yeah, the business thing came up. by came up.. i got sick of mom telling me to be nice to nolan. we're siblings, he does things to be obnoxious, and i get yelled at for telling him to stop because i'm "too hard on him". so after she yelled at me for probably nolan's fourth obnoxious thing today, i told her i was sick of her diagnosing me with depression, telling me to be a business major, and guilt tripping me for being a bad sister.

welcome to christmas break... the time we all remember that we love our families, but there's a reason we're not living with them. i'm getting serious cabin fever... five more days until i'm back in greenville.

it's just frustrating -- i'm looking at grad schools without ANY support of my parents. they still make pat sandwiches (or tell me to make him a sandwich -- let me tell you how well that went over), and he's a freshman in college... but they refuse to be supportive at all of my independence. when i tell them what i'm so happily doing, they tell me what they'd RATHER me be doing.

ugh, i need to figure out what i'm doing this summer. i can't come back to this.

i fell in love with the clinical program at alabama today -- they have a child clinical program that ties in to their autism research program.. which is exactly what i'm looking for. i sent an email and my resume to the clinical supervisor; maybe i can get a slot there this summer. i'd miss camp so much... but i need research experience. this place would be perfect. and it would help me get into their clinical program.. which takes 10 applicants out of 180, something like that. add into that the "commitment to recruiting minorities," and my chances become slim to none.

can i get minority status for being a catholic in the south? :)

bahaha

two interesting things have happened today.

1) another wedding notice.. aah!

2) i read my family's christmas card. apparently... i'm pursuing psychology with an emphasis on autism, speech.. and business.

mom and i have a debate every time i'm home where she tells me i should be a doctor, i say no (she doesn't understand that i cant just go and apply to med school without ANY prerequisites), she tells me i should be a lawyer, i say no ("you don't want to HELP people with DISABILITIES?!")... and then i tell her i'm taking econ just in case one day i needed some business skills to do something pysch related. and out of all of that... she hears (and proliferates) that i am now pursuing business.

i think i'm just going to let her live in fantasy... i hated econ. with a deep, burning passion. but if it makes her feel like i have some sort of ambition in life ... so be it. it's just funny how different our perception of our lives is from our parents'. funny, really.

today is grad school day. and today, i want to go to get my phd in clinical psychology. hmm. maybe not a good day for grad school day ;)

shells

hermit crabs need new shells after awhile. they outgrow them. we outgrow ours, too.

i'm sure i'm just as guilty of this whole judgement thing as the next person.. but it it really that hard to respect change?

i think a big thing thats tugging on my heart is that i'm happy and loving life now... but we all have bad moments we'd like to forget -- rough times or rocky roads that brought out the worst in us. i'm so sick of everyone at home focusing on everyone else's rough spots. maybe we're just all insecure of our own pasts -- none of us are completely happy with who we were in high school, so we compensate by bringing out the worst in the next person.

i'll be the first to admit that i occasionally wish i could take a giant erasor to parts of my past -- ugh, i've been a moron. but i also understand i'm not living in that shell anymore -- God provides us with plenty of newer, bigger shells to move into. they feel spacious and lonely sometimes, but we grow into them and fill them. we make them our own, we make them beautiful... and then it's time to streak to the next shell ;)... which in and of itself is always an adventure.

i like my current shell. and the people in it. and the people who drop by to visit every now and then... most of them, anyway. but i'm getting sick of people barging in and making a spectacle.

maybe i need a lock ;)

bad habits

so it's far too late to be blogging, but i've had this thought going through my head all day and i just have to get it down.

i think we all enhance each others' bad habits. by "we" i mean every single propriety-seeking member of society. we don't like awkwardness, so we avoid it all costs... often by covering for each other. we fill the silence after awkward comments, we smooth over rough language... we modify the consequences to make the actions seem less offensive.

we perpetuate the bad habits.

i'm not saying smoothing over is always bad at all -- sometimes social blunders are inevitable, and i thank The Big Guy for my friends and their wonderful ability to bail me out of my slippery tongue. however.... i feel like sometimes people develop a habit of saying things that are hurtful or awkward or downright strange, and because uncomfortable bystanders always smooth it over, the speaker never gets the appropriate feedback... and the comments continue.

if sarcastic people want to be sarcastic.. fine by me. i applaud the bravery and honesty, to be sure. but it's not the job of the rest of the world to cover for sarcasm, you know? ... i don't know, it's something i've noticed a lot lately. besides, if we cover for each other, things brood. the natural consequence of saying something rude or overly sarcastic and feeling awkward because of it is probably a lot more healthy than having to do some confronting later. embrace the consequences -- it's how we learn.

it's all of this behavior therapy training.. it's getting to me. we spend our days teaching little four year olds how to appropriately act because they don't process social feedback like their typical peers. like john -- he didn't understand that his friends didn't want to talk about his fixations all the time, so we had to teach him how to read people and time himself so as to maintain appropriate conversation. yeah, we could have "covered" for him... but then he wouldn't learn how to do it himself. "teach a man to fish..."

bottom line: i think we should embrace awkwardness more often. not in a bitter way, just in a healthy way. it's hard to learn from our mistakes when we never face any natural consequences. in a lot of things.

(mmm.. i feel a catechesis post coming. yay, bridgette is back.)

this whole post is choppy... i clearly need sleep :) gnite!

golly gee its christmas for me

this break has been absolutley the most insane contrast to school i've ever experienced.

it's not that the charleston crew is too much crazier than usual -- they're not, they've always been this way.. it's just that this past fall was the first time that none of them were a big part of my every day life... so i feel like i'm coming home as a different person. and being around the people i've always known... that difference feels real.

i think i'm changing. i was talking to jessie about it yesterday.. and i'm secure enough with my life where i'm not afraid to share it, you know? i still guard my heart a whole lot and i've definately become more independent... but i'm more open with people... more open to hearing what they have to say, which i think is the base of it. i don't know, i've noticed it at home. i have this craving to hear the stories of others...

i was talking about it to a friend last night -- it's so beneficial to hear someone's story and where they want to go rather than try to capture them in a moment. we may look alike in the present, but chances are.. we aren't. beecher squared called it the theory of movement, i think... even in the present, we have to look at what a persons' feet are doing as opposed to his lips. "the lips lie, but the feet tell the truth."

::sigh::

it's just been a hell of a ride this week. a good one, i think... it's just a lot compared to my fun camper dates and no-drama friendships/relationship that beautifully filled my fall term :)

i need a nap in a hammock. actually... i really need to finish my christmas shopping. and a little present i've been working on that i absolutely MUST mail today. we'll see if that happens.

yay, christmas break.

i did it!

i emailed the amazing professor at cambridge with whom i hope to spend my summer. cover letter, resume, etc.

toss up some prayers!

eeep! :)

love and oppression

so i'm finally getting to the point where i can articulate what i'm feeling about the whole faith crisis of 2007. it's still choppy and it doesn't quite make sense, but it's a little more logical. i'm posting it here because i feel like its something other people experience, too... that's the whole point of blogging and dialogue, isn't it? to share what inspires us, knowing it may lead others to be inspired, too?

i explained it to a friend yesterday... i've stepped back because my experiences this year have taught me a whole lot about love. if we love purely to our finest capacity, we should be loving God with all that we are... and that's the whole point of life, isn't it? i've realized a lot of my faith has been squeezed out of some form of oppression... the pressure of guilt, the drilling of dogma, that sort of thing. while guilt can be the fruit of a properly formed conscience and dogma is downright essential... that's not the proper way to form faith.

"faith, hope, love, these three.. but the greatest of these is love"

so i've decided that guilt shouldn't be my reason for doing or not doing things. my conscience will never be perfectly formed, and with guilt really just being a feeling of violating some social norm (thank you, psych 45), it's a form of social oppression. yeah, it keeps us in line.. but is that really the best way to do it? we all have different experiences that form our consciences in different ways. if we rely on guilt alone to govern morality, we're never going to all be on the same page.

now, if we focus on the one experience that is universal -- the experience of love -- we can be driven to an even greater experience of purity, a more beautiful pursuit of God... simply because love, true and pure love, isn't tainted by our improperly formed conscience. while guilt pushes all of us differently, love drives all of us the same. true love and the guilt (that stems from a properly formed conscience) function to do the same thing -- bring our imperfect selves to Truth. one oppresses us, one inspires us.

i choose inspiration.

so that's why i've stepped back... i'm relying too much on my improperly formed conscience rather than on love. so i've chosen to approach my faith differently now. i'm still Catholic, i'm still helplessly in love with the Church -- i just don't want to live a faith based on oppression. i don't want to live a life based on oppression. so it's taking awhile to figure out the difference.. how to love God freely rather than out of avoidance of a feeling.

so here i am. it's a new adventure, but it's a good one. just thought i'd share :)

cold noses and numb fingers

yep. found another joyful day in photography and good conversations with old friends. i'm starting to love what i'm making of charleston, which i feel is a lot more healthy than hating what i've made of charleston in the past.

christmas cards are fun, too. got one today from my old best friend from elementary school and their family. the card starts out to say that the older of the two sisters (the "perfect child") just got engaged. and then the last paragraph says that my friend had a baby. no mention of a daddy, just a picture of the beautiful baby girl and a blurb about changing diapers and trying to still attend classes. stark contrast, no?

oh, life.

worked on presents a little more today, then went out to lunch with mom at this yummy little restaurant called five loaves.. amazing soups and sandwiches. after lunch, i took off downtown, emptied the few coins in my wallet into a parking meter, threw on my ugly old middle school jacket that i had found in my trunk, and took off taking pictures.

there's something totally liberating about taking off with a camera... it's like a little artistic quest for beauty in places it would often be overlooked, you know? and there's a huge difference between seeking beauty in people and beauty in places. i feel like charleston has a deep combination of the two -- the beauty of a place enchanted by people.

dinner at kyle's tonight was lovely -- i absolutely love that family, i absolutely love kyle... there's a christmas party on wednesday that will be pretty exciting (partially kidding... large groups of high school kids is always a chaotic adventure...). enough said :)

i really need to finish my christmas cards. or they won't make it out by christmas. hmm. and nolan took over my computer and tried to mail out something to do with hillary clinton looking like an elf. so i need to get on that, too. ::sigh::

oh, it's time.

they say you reach a point where you just know "it's time" to be on your own.

yep, reached it.

my mother has decided that i have seasonal anxiety disorder. i've been home for less than 24 hours, and she's already diagnosed me with a disorder because the boys annoyed me at dinner... because they stuff their faces and burp and act like boys. and nolan won't stop eating. she says that because they're not on drugs, they're perfect.

so she got annoyed that i was annoyed... and i think the fact that i took off today and took pictures by myself around charleston freaked them out. they seem to equate my love for quiet artsy time with a disorder. and THEN she proceeded to explain to me what depression is, and how i take out my depression on others.

i seriously have been home for 24 hours.

but the rest of the day has been lovely... and last night was good, too. amy's dad had his company christmas party, and i dropped by and saw amy, mike, cullen, and kerry... who were all really fun and in good spirits. amy was a tad mortified her dad was on the floor dancing to gwen stefani (he greated me with "you missed it! i was just taking shots!")... but you know, that's life :).

today was great... i slept in, then just went around town taking pictures. saw kyle, which was nice... i just needed some quiet time to transition back home, you know? charleston is actually kind of a stressful place... my family is absolutely chaotic, and i love them.. but now that i've been living on my own and taking care of myself, i've become my own little person, and i can't be that here. same with my high school friends... i love them to pieces, but we've all changed. i don't get the same rush from hanging out in huge groups of them anymore... so i don't. and i like it that way. i feel like individual friendships are the way to go.

i hit the beach and the old village to play with my new camera (p.s. cory is amazing... super amazing... corey smith concert tickets and a camera for christmas? ridiculous.), and i decided that the beach in and of itself isn't that stunning.. it's just such a backdrop for other things, you know? like lighthouses and wildflowers and footprints and sunsets. and those are the truly beautiful things.

that's the thing about charleston.. the backdrop is so quiet. i walked onto the beach and it felt like me and the wind were the only things in the world. and my fingers were numb and my nose was cold and it was fantastic. the grasses on the dunes were dancing in the wind and cute little couples were strolling up and down the shore... and i felt lovely. it was great.

the old village is my dream spot to live.. the houses are so quaint and beautiful and rustic, and the boats and the waterway are just so beautiful. i found this big, gorgeous oak tree and parked to take pictures.. and this sweet old yellow lab with some barfight wounds started following me around... he finally plopped down and rolled on his back so i'd scratch his tummy. i swear... all labs are the same.

went out on the dock thing at the end of pitt street and saw more dogs and cute couples and pretty bridges and fun waterways. i woudl have stayed longer but the wind picked up and i couldn't feel my fingers. i feel like that's an accomplishment, though.. playing until my fingers were numb.

quiet night, it appears. i was going to go to mass but had this little existential crisis that i need to work through, i think. i don't know.. i've just been so unsure of everything, and i feel like stepping back from church for a few weeks to work it out will be good for my faith in the long run. i just need some time to reflect on thigns from the beginning. i've been saying that all term, but it's true. God understands, i'm sure. and the Church will be better off for it in the end. so tonight i'm going to think and make Christmas cards for people, and work on some homemade presents. loving on others always makes this faith stuff come more clearly. i feel like moving my feet does more for my spirit than moving my lips. that's kind of been the story of fall.. work things out in my heart quietly but keep the feet moving and grooving.

okay, on to move and groove :)

content

So I realized a few minutes ago that I'm happy. And I'm thankful for the joy that's in my life right now... because there's definately more than I deserve.

I love Advent. There's this nervous anticipation, you know? We build it up with presents and the fat red-suited gentlement... but the anticipation is liturgical, too. It's in our hearts. Just like we do this every year, our hearts cycle through little changes and big changes and times of growth and anticipation.

I've just got this feeling. It's a good one. It's nice.

the luckiest . ben folds

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am the luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am the luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am the luckiest.


ben folds . the luckiest

i should probably go home soon

yeah, i'm still in greenville. i was supposed to go home last night.. then tonight.. and now it's looking like i'm going to go home tomorrow. after i babysit ragamuffin (yes, please!)

oof.

work is going well.. the clients are absolutley adorable, and i'm enjoying every ounce of spending time with them. ...unless they're throwing tantrums. or trying to bite me. that gets mildly unpleasant.

so i'm working again this afternoon... then going out (again?) tonight (i think?), then going to play with ragamuffin tomorrow. "we're the only house on the highway with cows.. except for our inlaws."

when did my life become so.. country? ;)

off to play santa :) working on woodruff road is dangerous... i'm so tempted to shop duing these little 1-2 hour lags... it's an issue. but hey -- it's christmas. now's the time to shop, you know? might as well knock a few names off the list.

dear charleston: i miss you.

profound thoght of the night

i don't know that i'd take time to procrastinate if i didn't have so much work to do. i think i'd make more work for myself instead.

hmm.. this is what happens when the best way to study for your final is to analyze your lifestyle from multiple theraputic perspectives.

thanks a lot, adler.

ben harper . forever

he nails life. i've found that my favorite procrastination technique is "iMix"... i found this amazing one with tragicly hopeless love songs, which really make me happy. there's something to be said for putting your heart on the line. i'm not quite sure what that "something" is.. but it's there.

so new obsessions... ben harper (where has he been all my life?), josh kelley, sara bareilles, landon pigg. you know landon's legit because any person with an ounce of desire to be fake would change that last name. he's my favorite new discovery.

jessie and i decided his voice is like a really good cinnamon soy latte.



Not talkin' 'bout a year
no not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
in my life anymore
forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

People spend so much time
every single day
runnin' 'round all over town
givin' their forever away
but no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

Like a handless clock with numbers
an infinite of time
no not the forever found
only in the mind
forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

ben harper . forever

oofie

oofie.

that's going to be my new word today. i have a feeling i'm going to be learning a lot of those at the new job... it's been awhile since i worked with the really little kiddos, and i found out today that i'm going to be splitting my time working with two little kids with autism -- a boy and a girl, both four years old (i think?)... so at 8:55 this morning, i got a call that i had training at 9am (yeah.. organization is rocky in this business).. and i've been there all day.

exam tomorrow? what?

oofie.

i just don't want to work anymore.. and i know when i slow down i'm going to fall asleep. last night was so much fun.. i finished my exam, then quickly showered and busted over to cory's school to watch their Christmas chorus concert.

the MOST adorable thing EVER.

so first of all, the kids are adorable. and for an elementary school chorus, they were actually pretty good. i remember elementary chorus... oh gosh, i learned later that my teacher was gay and he took in teenagers who were kicked out of their homes for being gay (its amazing what you learn when you get older)... but we used to put on these elaborate plays... that was my first big role -- nurse defarge in bedside manor -- i had a crush on the stage hand, he asked me to be his girlfriend in a note, but somebody intercepted it backstage and he randomly moved the next day to texas?

right.

but seriously.. i remember those shows. they were so much fun... ::sigh::. but we couldn't sing about Christmas or Jesus.. just about winter (lame, no?). it was nice to hear them singing about Christmas.. even in latin.. it was freakin awesome.

they looked up to cory, too... it was another one of those moments where i felt like the luckiest girl in the world... just for standing next to him. the choral director was getting the audience to participate, and she asked for a teacher to come up... a huge group of kids on stage immediately started pointing and screaming "mr. tonnsen! mr. tonnsen!" ... they absoluetly love him. a little white kid passed by him and said "wassup" to which cory responded "yo yo yo"... ridiculous. absolutley ridiculous. but beautiful.

so after the concert i grabbed some dinner, watched cory's basketball game.. then we headed out to the bullpen to watch the saints / falcons game. again, i love greer. or maybe its the boy / football time. maybe i miss my brothers. who knows? but it was super fun.

... did not make waking up today and busting it to work a pleasant experience, though ;)

okay, so off to work. one more exam... then i'm here until at least friday. maybe until saturday to see jessie. i want to go home, but she's going to be *so* close and i miss her *so* much... i'm coming back up really early to work and spend some christmas time with the boy and to do new years up here (and get rush stuff in order.. bleh!). it's going to be a busy break. the good news though is that when i finally get home, i have nothign to do but spend time with family and friends... a nice break from the insanity that these past breaks have been!

:) on to my hot date with freud, adler, and jung...

musings

i always blog a lot during exams. maybe it's because i'd rather think about life than think about economics. maybe its for the stress relief... who knows. but it helps. it gives me some sense of control over the madness that is exams.

i'm actually not too stressed -- i get a solid 5 hours of studying tomorrow, which should help a lot. and if i blow the exam... i'll blame it on yankow. i'm aware, it's a horrible excuse... but let's be honest... it's all going to be his fault :)

so today was kind of a big day. as was yesterady. pi kapp had the christmas krunk party.. which was actually really fun. maybe because it was closed.. i don't know. knowing most of the people there was nice, though... it was the most fun i've had at a frat party in awhile. the rest of the night was hard, but it was the growing hard, you know? it was an opportunity for unreciprocated love, to say the least. and God gives us very few moments like that.

i've realized something really cool about my friends, too -- we're all so different, but they know me. and they don't want me to be like them... and it's the first time in my life i've felt that free in my relationships, if that makes any sense. i think the stark contrast between my conversations with past friends and current friends... i feel so supported and loved in everything right now.

in all of its failures and all of its faults, life is a bittersweet waltz

that support has led me to figure stuff out on my own, which is such a greater gift than expectations. one of my professors was talking about parenting and the difference between praise and encouragement.. it's so subtle but so beautiful. praise places value in success, whereas encouragement places value in the process. praise keeps us glued to expectations, but encouragement keeps us growing. that growth leads us to surpass what others may see as success.

i'm lucky. so, so, lucky.

how bout this crazy week?

ha. so much has happened the last few days. and i'm so sleepy that my cheeks are actually warm... and its 3 in the afternoon. and i'm pessimistic, which always means i need a nap. the first flicker of crankiness for me is loneliness.. and i got an irrational pang in the car on the way home today. so i'm going to go to sleep.

the last few days have been incredible, though.. wednesday cory and i took of for a spontaneous roadtrip to asheville to go out to eat and go to the grove park inn to look at the gingerhouses... SO COOL. it was a lot of fun, even though it was FREEZING and every restaurant seemed to close before 8 and we didn't see any lesbians (which i feel should be part of the asheville experience)... oh, and garmin didn't work. i've always hated her, but he's been so attached to her... she finally fell through. baha. and the REAL girlfriend still got us there ;) so there.

the next morning i started my first day of observing for my new job as an aba therapist... it has been incredible. i've observed four aba sessions over the last two days, which has been really interesting. the kids are all adorable -- i'm eager to find out who i'm actually going to be working with. my lead therapist is super cute, too.. i've enjoyed all the people i've met. eep!

last night i went out to the bullpen with cory and kevin and one of cory's friends to watch the redskins bears game.. i've kind of fallen in love with greer. it's so adorable, and the people are so nice, and we played pool (which i proved to suck at AGAIN), and had a grand little old time. and this morning i got to hang out with cory's mom for a few minutes.. its so good to have a homey place to hang out here in greenville.

okay, so the funk isn't going away, so i'm going to sleep. boo, grumpy bridgette

brad paisley . she is everything

i just think this song is adorable. and happy. and there aren't enough happy songs out there, these days.. so yeah, it's sweet.


She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
'Cause she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me

when one door closes...

So I just found out that tomorrow morning is going to be my last day at Hope Academy. And rather than write this little paper I've got due tomorrow or stress over the ridiculous amount of stuff I suddenly have due... I'm going to think. Sit and think and write. And it will be beautiful :)

Today was really good -- I blogged earlier about John, but other than that it's been steady and productive. I cleaned, which was big -- and I cooked succesfully. Baked eggplant and orzo... got the eggplant recipie, then improvized with orzo and spices. It was really fun :)

Tridelt stuff is a little insane -- it's getting to be crunch time, so it's been busy.. but I think the bulk of it is done. I just need to mail thank you notes and work on some behind the scenes stuff.. it should be really good?

I freaked out today, too.. which I feel like I've done a lot lately. Not bad freak outs -- just productive freak outs.. when the world stops moving, I get dizzy if that makes any sense. But a wonderful old friend called today at the perfect time -- I needed to talk to someone from home. And it was lovely -- so lovely. And inspiring.. gosh, just to know someone with a similar spirit struggles like I do... it's easy to think we're alone sometimes, but we're not. We're so not.

And we talked about God. And chastity and love and spirituality and friendship and Mary. And every ounce of the conversation lifted my spirit a little more until I was high enough to get my feet under me. Now I just have to figure out where to walk :)

So part of me longs for Christmas -- the break is going to be incredible, and I'm working a lot during exams (they scheduled me for 24 hours! yikes!), so I don't feel so pressured to waitress or anything while I'm home. Not to say I won't -- the $14 an hour is tempting when you're stretching for gas money, but I just want to .. dance? Sorry, little joke from earlier. I do want to dance, just not in a white dress right now. I like rain too much.

we're still waiting.. waiting on the world to change..

so i should probably go write a paper, but i've got some lyrics going through my head.. so i'm going to get them down first.



Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

Jimmy Wayne . Stay

"you are so stupid i hate you so much"

"john, 'to hell with you' just isn't appropriate in middle school."
-- "but they said it on terminator!"
"but we're not on terminator. whats a better way to say it?"

::thinks::

rewrites: "i hate you so much, you stupid person"

better?

sooo much improvement today. i'm getting sad that the hope adventure is almost over.. he's making eye contact, he's more animated, he's not screaming out in class, he's adding adverbs to his writing... so exciting. so, so exciting.

his teacher said we may try to send some of his work in to competitions.. he's way ahead for his age.

oh, hooray.

to hell with you!

"alright.. we need some emotion in this short story. she's running from a kidnapper.. what would you do if you were running from a kidnapper? what would your body do? how would you FEEL!?!"
-- "mad."
"no.. more than mad. he just killed your son, for pete sake.. how does that make you feel?"
-- "she should call the police."

bah.

i've been working with john on adding emotion to his writing, in some hopes that he could come to at least a deeper social understanding of how people other than him feel. so today we were getting somewhere.. sort of. his eye contact has improved so much since we started working together, he smiles more, he does things anticipating that i will like it (the corner of his eyes twinkle when he adds adverbs to his sentences, if that says anything...) and his transitioning has become exceptional.

so i came in to work today and he was working on a short story he had started last week.. a really violent kidnapping murder deal with people dying and video cameras and car crashes and police chases.. and this woman's son had been kidnapped, so i was trying to get him to help her feel.

she's run into a mall after watching the kidnapper kill a security guard. her husband has run off to divert the kidnappers' attention, and she's making a bee-line for the phone on the desk. she picks it up... and i expect her to scream for help. but what does she say?

"excuse me, mr. police officer dispatcher sir ma'am, a kidnapper is chasing me."

what?

:) oh, the joys of the mind of a person with autism. i finally pushed him to put more emotion in, and he made the lady scream "TO HELL WITH YOU" at the kidnapper, for which we got scolded by another shadow. oops? at least it was emotional? i don't think his teacher cared too much... we're getting there.

today was one of those busy days that went from 7:30am to 9pm nonstop.. then mandy and i went to the grocery store and i got a new laundry basket... which i plan to use tomorrow? :) my room is disgusting, but i kind of just want to do it all tomorrow afternoon. its too cold to walk back and forth to the laundry room tonight, and i'm really tired. how lazy does that sound? in my defense, i did 6 hours of recruitment stuff today... which will wear you out quite quickly. add to that 4 hours of class and 2 hours of volunteering... you've got yourself a busy day

today was the last day of autism class... it kind of made me sad. that class was good.. it set me up for my future in a lot of ways. and right when i got home from hope academy, i got an acceptance letter to work at hope reach!! i'll be starting training to be an aba line therapist this saturday. training goes through the 13th, then i'll go home for Christmas and start working when we get back! finally... a real job. a real, fun, regular, autism-related job. i'll be working with one little 4 or 5 year old boy, 4-5 days a week for 3 hours a day. or something of the sort. a perfect job for winter term, i think. and it's with a family, which is SO exciting.

so exciting.

so that is all, really.. a solid day of the right blend of productivity and a tad of time for myself.

baby, it's cold outside...

again.

Well I'll follow you wherever
When you lead me by my nose
On another big adventure- I suppose
Then you lay me down in clover
With their petals on my back
I should make some time
To do more things like that...

Won't you sing to me your poetry,
Won't you take me to your home,
Won't you be for me forever
So I'll never be alone
And just one thing...
If you're my queen...
Then it's a beautiful thing...

Well I'm buried in my bedroom
Under fourteen feet of clothes
I could drown in all this
clutter I suppose

But then you're standing in my doorway
With a suitcase on your back
And it blows my mind
When you do things like that

Yeah, reminding me
Well I might be poor
But summers free...
For me, I didn't know I was sleeping



beautiful thing. sister hazel

from bju to rain?

it's raining outside. and i love the rain.. absolutely love it. i feel like i've probably started other posts this way... but it's one thing that will always overwhelm me if i'm in the right place. and i'm in the right place, ironically. have been for awhile. life is loud enough not to bore me and quiet enough where i can still hear the rain.

it's a beautiful thing.

so i'm kind of the luckiest girl ever. and by kind of.. i mean REALLY. tuesday was five months for me. and mr. cory.. and it was fantastic. i had a pretty stressy week, but i managed to just do nothing for a day and it all worked out just fine. we have a really great time doing a whole lot little fun things :) cooking and beautiful red and white flowers and elf and hot coffee.

"hi this is buddy whats your favorite color?!"

i like movies like elf. stupid, happy, sweet. but smart funny... somehow? i don't know, i like it.

lots of papers and such were due this week -- another one of those three papers in three days deal... death, autism, money and happiness... i'm so ready for econ to be over. the professor can just be a jerk.. i've never written a novel on a teacher eval, but i definately did this time. he actually came in the room before our 20 minutes for the eval were up and told us we had to turn them in or we would "just have to put questions about the material we're not covering on the exam."

we just looked at him.. seriously, threatening DURING the teacher evals? awesome.

so anyways, the week ended up great. friday night was weekend program... which was honestly awful. 100+ campers at bob jones.. and there was a whooping cough epidemic, so we couldn't go in any of the buildings. and i had a camper who absolutely loved to try to kiss people... and she seemed to gravitate towards bob jones boys. who wouldn't even talk to her, which was awful. they looked so uncomfortable. it hurt my heart a little.

crafty was in prime grouchy form. two of her boyfriends were there, which seemed to stress her out a bit.. and one of them was her prom date and such (i like him), the other was her secret lover. and she was cold and didn't want to walk (understandable), so she was kind of a mess. she asked me if cory and kelly and i could go out for chinese, and i told her of course.. and she was walking off the bus and passed cory and just looked at him and said "CHINESE!"

i still had so much fun tho.. and there was one camper with autism who i was told was fairly non-communicative... but we managed to have a whole conversation about music and christmas music and our favorite tv shows. i almost cried it made me so happy. and he was wearing this sweet slightly-too-short snowman tie.

ooh! and furman kids came! two freshman girls were there and leanna and sam and stephen (in addition to the usual furman kids)... it was great!! i love how more people are getting wrapped up in the spearhead family. its just such a wonderful program, such wonderful people.

you know what's terrifying though? there are so many people with disabilities in the area.. so many. 3000 people in sc with autism alone? i just worry sometimes that some of them aren't getting the opportunities they deserve, you know?

afterwards a bunch of us went to the oyster bar in greer.. which is my favorite. i don't know, it was just nice. and there was that token drunk guy at the bar, which was pretty sweet. you know.. the one who dances up to awkward people and so on and so forth? and greer drama is rather entertaining. :) i just love the cold-night warm restaurant good company feeling.

saturday was open house.. and tridelta rocked it. we had a lot of fun.. it was so good to see everyone excited to meet the pnms and energetic about the cheers and music. i'm blessed to be in a chapter so poised and fun and respectful and wonderful.

now if only they would close registration.. they reopened it until wednesday, which is frustrating. i would just love to get a final list. would absolutely love to get a final list.

phew.

i got home and quickly fell asleep. a cozy deep afternoon sleep. and i woke up and went out to an incredibly romantic dinner with cory. he decided to surprise me.. to the point where he had preprogramed where we were going into garmin as "surprise" so i couldn't figure it out (adorable, right?) ... so we ended up having an amazing dinner at stax peppermill. it's this sweet, cozy, bold, romantic restaurant with an incredible menu (and wine list.. gaw i can't wait until i'm 21..) and this amazing parmesan bread? i can't even describe it. i think we're going to try to recreate the magical bread this week. but it was all lovely and romantic and perfect. absolutley perfect.

afterwards we came back to furman and hung out in our dressy clothes and watched football. it was a very "us" night, you know?

and today? definatley managed to do absoluetly NOTHING all day. except chapter, really. i needed that.. i needed a nothing day. oh, i went on a run. that was exciting and new. and after chapter, i went to leannas and hung out with some lovely fun people and watched brothers and sisters? i actually really liked the show. and i tried to make hashbrowns for breakfast but it didn't really work. i think i need to stick to recipies. less i catch something important on fire. again. i should probably stick to chronological descriptions too, huh?

i need to blog more often, becuase when i havent done it in awhile i try to recreate my life rather than the feelings from going through it and the things i think about. i read back through these things and really love reading about how i felt, you know?

so today... i felt confused. i made myself think about my faith for a little while.. and i've gotten rid of some of the anxiety about it all. i let pride seep in logic and it kind of blows life up.. it makes me realize how easily i get ahead of myself. it's going to be okay.

so that's my thought for the evening.. things will work out. i'm in this deep spiritual ridiculous turmoil, but it's beautiful. it's beautiful that God lets us seek Him and mess up in the process. and it's beautiful that God gives us friends to join us along the way.

:)

clay and fergie

i played with clay thismorning at hope academy... we made snowmen. and the boy i worked with quickly realized that if he did something spectacular, i'd still give him a high five (his reinforcement for being patient or using good eye contact... etc) .. even if he had goopy clay hands. soooo by the end of art class, i had clay all over me. the situation made me think of the potter. and goopy high fives with God?

"Turn yourself around like a piece of clay and say to the Lord: I am clay, and you, Lord, are the Potter. Make of me what you will."
St. John of Avila

me: "alright, bud.. i have to go to class!"

boy: ::awkward side hug:: "ms. bridgette... you're..."

::pause::

me: "i'm what?"

boy: "you're... fergalicious."

he said it so lovingly. it was sweet.

job interview tomorrow to be an aba line therapist for the winter - how crazy! working with the wee ones, too... so fun :)

two papers to write, prep for open house saturday, weekend program friday night.. i think i'm going to collapse on saturday. just fall over and sleep until sunday. yep, i think thats my plan.

gnite!

beautiful things

oh, dear.

this week was absolutely wonderful. thanksgiving was fantastic.. just fantastic. it was good to be home but away from home all at once. it was nice.

hung out at furman on friday night and just had a wonderful time.. yummy italian dinner at the apartment, then out for drinks with friends. we had one of those ridiculous waitresses who talks constantly.. constantly.. and is kind of funny while doing so? twas fun ;)

went to cory's on saturday and visited papa.. who gave me a gigantic bag of partially-rotting apples to bring home for thanksgiving. found out thismorning from ryan he used to use those apples to feed the cattle. so i took the cattle-apples home and mom made apple sauce, apple cake, apple-mince pie, and apple stuffing for the turkey. and we still had half a bag of cattle apples left.

oh, cattle apples.

so saturday i went home, and got to spend some good time with my family. we went to nolan's football game and watched them absolutley destroy the other all-star team. his football card cracks me up -- size 15 shoes, 230 lbs, 5'7"... 11 years old. pretty fantastic. he's not allowed to touch the ball this year because he's such a big guy, but next year you better believe he'll be all over it. i have this secret-dream of watching him play college football... i think he'll be freakin' awesome. we shall see.

family time was good.. then my moms brother and his family and grandma came on tuesday. i never realized how ridiculously cool grandma is.. we had lunch with mom on the harbor on wednesday, and just listening to them talk about their lives was really inspiring. mom talked about getting wilderness training to work on the life flight in idaho, grandma talked about losing grandpa a few years ago.. it was a cross-generation discussion of life. pretty cool.

also pretty cool? grandma's obsession with bravo. she hurt her hip, so she's been cursing like a sailor.. and better yet, she tivo's project runway and top chef pretty much every episode. i can see a lot of similarities between us.. we played apples to apples with the cousins, and we were totally on the same wave length. pretty classic.

cory came in on wednesday night, and the extended family absolutely loved him. he went fishing with dad and uncle chris, then we met up for some fun thanksgiving-ness. it was absolutely lovely.

oooh more later. off to bake muffins. i'm in denial about being back at furman.

thanksgiving!

i swear, a haircut makes all the difference.

my hair doesn't even LOOK that different.. i juts FEEL different. it gives you that boost, you know?

thanksgiving break is already wonderful. i've gotten a lot done, which is kind of a yucky goal to have over break.. but i'd rather do everything now than when i get back to school. so i've got a few more tridelt things to do (everything is resolved with that, by the way), then a paper to write.. but i've finished a bunch of "tasks" already, so i'm destressed a bit. and the paper isn't due until the thursday after we get back, so that's nice.

went out last night with liz and cullen... we're all growing up; it's so strange. parts of me feel so at home in charleston, but the other part of me knows i'm kind of becomming my own person in greenville. like.. coming back doesn't have that snug fit it used to have. there's a part of me here that is just huge.. but there's also a big part of me that doesn't fall into any particular place. i suppose that's the part that's really "me," you know? the part that goes with me wherever i go.

i've been watching the holiday over and over. it's such a good movie.. but i don't really like cameron diaz -- her acting just seems so flat and overdone. maybe i just don't like her character.. the neurotic dumb blond thing never rang true to me. so i just kind of watch iris' story.. it seems more me anyway i guess. i love that part where jack black is writing her "melody" and he looks at her and says, "i only used the good notes." the simple things are the sweet things.

nolan has a football game tonight. 5'7" 230 lb, 11 year old nolan. enough said.

ladeda... time to get some more things done. goal is to finish all of this stuff before family gets in on tuesday night. cory comes thursday, so i definately want everything to be done by then. i'm so excited...

yay, thanksgiving. i look back to a year ago, and it's all just so different now. i *think* i spent most of last thanksgiving at home, sans appetite, about ready to curl up in a ball and die. my goal was to actually eat thanksgiving dinner... i had been so stressed that eating became an afterthought. yeah.. it's coming back to me now. thanksgiving was when i walked in on them together, then got in the car and drove straight home. home to charleston. as quickly as i could. i remember shopping with mom and her friend and them trying so hard to get some spark back in my eye.

that all seems so far away now. so much can change in a year. such good change, too... like, my life used to be in order the way i thought it needed to be.. everything looked successful, but i was so miserable. so incredibly miserable.

not to say everything is perfect now. it's not.. but i'm kind of starting from scratch and layering in everything else.. one piece at a time. i'm still figuring out some pieces... but i'm starting to think that's what life is all about. it's not the perfect end balance, it's the process. welcome to the process.

:) i'm so ready for the process.

why hello, blog.

hi, blog. i'm back.

barely.

so i hate getting on here and venting, because 90% of the time, life just isn't that bad. and life now really isn't bad, either. i'm just doing that slightly-terrifying gut check thing i tend to do every once and awhile. and gut checks make me think. and thinking makes me want to blog.

so hello, blog.

i'm really ready to go home for thanksgiving. i've been working really hard this term, which is good, of course... to some extent. i know my limits.. and i'm at them. absolutely at them. i've had that fast-beating-heart feeling all day from the anxiety of one limit in particular, and it's making me seriously rethink the things i'm devoting my time to. again.

i'm pouring my soul into rush right now... and it's good. really good. good things are coming from it... but the girl i'm working with is driving me absolutely nuts. like, i really can't do it anymore. my position requires that i work at my own pace, simply because its a ridiculous amount of stuff that i just can't do on command. i learned from fusab that i need to learn to say no once and awhile, so i tried it here. numerous times. i just never thought that the person i was saying "no" to would say "no" right back... demanding that i do the things i discerned not to do because i'm her "assistant." it's so bizarre, and its making me so incredibly mad. it's an extracurricular, for pete sake. it's supposed to be fun.

so 99% of my heart just isn't in it right now.. and that's really unfortunate, because thanksgiving is my biggest time to deal with this stuff and get ready for recruitment. i don't know.

oh, i decided this week i want to go to vanderbilt and become a speech pathologist. sweet, huh?

aaaaand i love cory. absolutely love cory. he puts up with my stress like none other.. and is the only person that can make me laugh hysterically when i'm on the verge of tears. like.. he just shows up in some ridiculous car or doing some ridiculous thing.. and he gives me that look that says "babe, stop. in the grand scheme, it's not important" and i believe him. and it really does all get better. and i've never been quite this smitten before.. quite this confident and happy. and it's not because of him.. joy doesn't come from people, it's got to come from something greater than us. but it's with him... and that's beautiful. i'm confident and happy with him in my life. and it's a rare thing that two people this different can go along together this well.

he surprised me with dinner the other night... i got back from chapter, and he was in the kitchen baking taco bowls and dicing tomatos and creating the best taco salads i've ever had. and we had a blast, just being with each other.

oh, wouldn't it be the best damn day if we all took time to breathe (oar)

yay!

we took crafty to dinner tonight, and she went on and on about showering (her new fixation, i suppose).. and then announced that she showered with boys. and she tried to order a beer from the counter. and cory is her husband. it was all very scandalous and ridiculous and confirmed why i will not let my kids watch trashy tv.

i love crafty. if i had ds, i would be crafty. she's crazy, she's funny, she loves boys and doing crafts, and she's grumpy for a solid 15 minutes a day.. then she's fine! she's fantastic, i'm telling you.

phew. okay.. i'm going to go get some more stuff done. then HOME!

:-D

i have three minutes to procrastinate. 9am, it's back to econ, baby. i just can't take much more of studying for a test i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail.

i'm in a yucky mood.

i think its just stress -- cory's going out of town and i really haven't been able to spend much "quality time" with him lately.. ugh, i hate how that sounds... and i'm kind of over my head in school stuff. i've perfectly arranged my little life so i have time for everything.. usually.. but this week.. and last week.. and the week before.. haven't quite worked out that way.

hurmph.

i think a big part is hope academy -- going every morning is tough financially and time wise, and i love it.. but its 3 hours i could be spending on homework (which is big). and my checking account is now UP to $40 (and that's exciting, if that says anything) and i have $5 worth of gas in my car.. so my net assets as far as practical day to day living goes don't really break $45. awesome.

i think i need this weekend. badly. i need it to clean and get my physical life in order.. i need time to go on a walk and sit down and figure out all of this bullshit surrounding my faith... i need time and incentive to get it together. reality will set in soon and i'll realize i don't really have much time this weekend anyway, but you know how that goes. i just need time to sit and think and take care of myself.

maybe that's it... i haven't had time to really take care of myself. i havent cooked or sang or crafted or done the things i love in awhile... and when that happens, i feel less "worth it" in general. and then i get depressed and insecure and stupid.

bridgette, stop being depressed and insecure and stupid.

mm, much better, actually.

back to macroeconomics (bah)... test is at one, so i still have 3 hours-ish to study. and i think i'm going to go without showering.. just kind of throw on some clothes and my running shoes and go for a walk afterwards or something. de-stress a bit. think a bit.

i read my facebook profile and realized how few of my "interests" i actually puruse anymore. so today ... after econ ... is me day. no tridelt stuff, no homework. i'll do that stuff tomorrow. today is for me and possibly Jesus, depending on how that all goes.

awesome. i'm 4 minutes over my 3 minute max.

so glad its friday.

the maker. dave matthews band

Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night
I stand with arms wide open
I've run a twisted line
I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker
I could not see for the fog in my eyes
I could not feel for the fear in my life

From across the great divide, In the distance I saw a light
Of Jean Baptiste's he's walking to me with the Maker
My body my body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep
I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away
I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker

Brother John, have you seen the homeless daughters
Standing there with broken wings
I have seen the flaming swords
There over east of eden
Burning in the eyes of the Maker

Oh, river rise from your sleep

musta shoulda woulda

i had to lead the class discussion about marriage on friday. me. marriage. aaah. but it went really well and it made me think about realtionships because the people who wrote the book we're studying (Beecher and Beecher... "Beyond Success and Failure") have a very strange viewpoint about them.

The Beechers think of marriage as economical.. two people who decide to commit to making it through the long haul together by each fulfilling their separate roles creatively and devotedly. they see romance as an illusion that sends the wrong message -- relationshisp aren't about feeling good. so when young couples get married based on the warm fuzzy feelings and the sex, they quickly get disappointed when faced with bills and grocery store visits and such. my professor always says to go by the 80/20 rule.. 80% of life is going to be crap... 20% will actually be the good stuff. they get discouraged about the 80%, or they have no sense of independence and therefore lose themselves in the romance... and they quit.

my professor has a lot to say about relationships. good stuff. first of all.. never say "you always... such and such" or "you make me... such and such"... because they don't always, and no one can make you do anything. she don't always get defensive or use that tone. he doesn't make you mad.. he inspires that emotion in you. and our emotions reflect a lot about how we think.

anger: entitlement. we're entitled to something we aren't getting, and it pisses us off. and that's silly.. because in the grand scheme of things, are we really entitled to the things we want?

depression: retreat. we can't do it anymore, it's hopeless, it's time to quit. depression can actually save us from destroying ourselves. depression can be healthy

shame: we violated a social norm. which beggs the question.. is the social norm rational?

Dr. Ellis was kind of an ass... he made people mad and insulted them to get his point accross in therapy. and he was vulgar.. but smart. he coined the phrases "you're should-ing all over yourself" and "quit must-erbating." both phrases are offensive... but then again, so are the actions they're describing.

so somewhere in ellis and the beechers and my theological background, i found some stuff i like... some stuff that makes sense, as far as relationships go.

romance is the fruit of irrational love... and while irrational love is clearly not as ideal as perfect, rational, heaven-directed love, it's a refleciton of our imperfection. and flowers to guys are dead plants... i get that. but to me, they're gorgeous reflections of God's beauty and creation. so they're not pointless, as Beecher and Beecher would claim. romance and rose petals and star-gazing and cuddling and cold noses and goofy dancing.. those are all practical ways to impractically love. take that, beecher squared.

but it's important not to get lost in the romance.. something deeper has to be there. sometimes romance is a fruit of that deepness, sometimes its a way to try to force it. the first way is amazing, the second is no good. the really dangerous side is the secular tendency for guys to "use" the romance to get some. getting some isn't love. not at all. love is not getting some.. its the self-denial that says "i love her more than that, and i can hold off until she's ready"... it's being a trooper about it and finding better ways to love in the meantime.

i don't know.. i'm the type of person where staying up all night talking about God or faith or fears or dreams is so much more romantic than anything else. maybe i'm silly. the Beechers would think i'm a goob, i'm sure. i think i'm okay with that.

the thing is... i've always been taught that those conversations should flow naturally. what a lie.. like any part of a relationship -- even with faith as the cornerstone, it's going to take work. more importantly, time.. trust. trust takes time. a lot of time. especially when you've been burnt before.

i have a lot of trouble trusting. it's probably my biggest flaw.

so that's my opinion.... that's what beecher and beecher lack. they get so caught up in being independent that they leave no room for vulnerability. emotional vulnerability comes first... and when that is secured and trust blooms, marriage fosters sexual vulnerability. but that last part is dangerous.. because it's everything you have. so you commit to it. you commit to giving everything you have.

oh my gosh so beautiful... so much more beautiful than beecher squared's lame-and-practical passionless description of love. lots more room for hurt and pain and craziness, but that's good. it's a lot more practical than trying to be practical.

just thought i'd share.

finally.. a bloggable thought.

yes, i have time to think again. even if it takes a car ride to do so.

so i had a thought.. and it was a Big Thought. and as Big Thoughts often go, it was preceded by a little comment. a harmless comment, really... neutral and matter-of-fact. funny how the little things can spurn the big things..

so this counseling class i'm taking is rocking my world. it's making me think of things differently... really differently. kind of backwards, if you will... because it's forcing me to think through the eyes of a rational human being. and i'm evaluating God and faith and Truth through the eyes of a rational human being. and i understand that looking at an omnipotent God through the eyes of a mortal human is kind of silly.. i'm not going to get the whole picture. but it's different. and my world is changing because of it.

here is the comment: "you're a little liberal." and it's not that i disagree.. the more i thought about it, the more i agreed. it's just... i've never described myself that way. never. and it got me to thinking about how i describe myself and what i really do. my counseling professor always says to listen to the words but look at the feet. people describe themselves one way, but their actions are often radically different.

i've described myself for so long in a way i couldn't argue with.. sweet and proper, good student, avid volunteer, family girl, devoted to my friends and God.. confident, pure, fun, extraverted, goofy.

but on the car ride home tonight i realized that my life.. my constatly-changing, ever-moving wonderful life.. isn't the life of that girl. and it's not a bad thing.. not at all. i've just spent so much time growing and changing that i never thought to look at where i've been and where i am now. and who i am now.

sweet? sometimes. unless i'm grouchy or frustrated, at which point i'm just quiet. and i have a malicious side that i despise... i hate when it comes out, but sometimes it does. and i put on that fake face we all hate and i act sweet when i really want to scream. and that's okay :). so maybe i'm sweet on the outside, but not nearly as much on the inside. i love... i've realized how much my heart is driven by the quest to find true love... but love isn't sweet.

proper? hardly. i try to be modest, but sometimes i'm just not.. and i swear and i drink and i like kissing far too much to be truly proper. and that gets into purity, where i don't even want to go right now. my heart is so impure.. but purity so much reflects the strength of our relationship with the world compared to the strength of our relationship with God. and my relationship with God sucks right now because i'm ashamed of parts of my life i've never dealt with before. high school and CCD and the little problems we had way back then didn't prepare me for this. and that's okay... but now i'm dealing with it. improperly. by running away. and it's about two steps away from kicking me in the butt. but i have some thinking to do before i stop running. i want to change before i change if that makes any sense.

i'm a "b" student. i'm smart, but i'm no genious. and i'm totally okay with that... i like to think and philosophize much more than studying facts. deep conversations mean far more to me than any other experience with someone else. and that means i'm not going to be top of the class or get into insanely amazing grad programs becuase those programs want people who will sell their souls. and mine isn't for sale, thank you.

i'm confident sometimes. but i used to be terrified of being lonely, and i know it. and that makes it worse.. because i over think my friendships and wonder sometimes if i'm in them because i don't want to be alone. which is silly... i need "me time" and i find it... something i never used to do for myself. i've called myself extraverted for so long.. but i'm not. being alone doesn't scare me so much anymore.. neither does being lonely. but getting to the point where i depend on friendships for validation scares the pants off of me. so i close my heart and push people -- amazing, incredible, important people -- away. or i let people near but i don't give them the best of me. i tried that once, and it blew up in my face... and because i've never experienced pain like that before and i'd never like to do it again, i take friendships and relationships reaaaaaaaaaally slow.

oof. something there doesn't match up. did i mention i'm full of contradictions?

so there's a point to all of this, i promise. i realized i have a choice: i can either work on changing to fit how i describe myself, or i can accept how i've changed as "better" and go with it. or i can find a mix between the two, which is the obvious answer. but that's kind of scary to think about -- i'm not the person i thought i was. and that's okay.

that girl wasn't passion-filled and ridiculous. she didn't dance on parking garages or journal every night or ride with her feet out the window of a pickup truck. she couldn't fall in love, she couldn't experience pain or joy.. just the fuzzy stuff in between. she needed society to pat her on the head and say "hey, you're successful!" and she didn't put her heart on the line. if i was every ounce of how i used to describe myself, i don't know that i would be alive.

i certainly wouldn't be this joyful. now if only i could get this joy on the same page with my faith...

hey, i'm working on it.

loooove love love

so i've lost my mind.

no, really... i think it's gone. i just sat down and got queasy... i'm realizing i'm in over my head. in life. just life in general... has given me a swift kick to the ass.

first of all, this psych class.. the same class that i'm spending a ridiculous amount of time writing a 12-page paper on death for (yeah, death. that's it! death.)... has knocked me off my rocker. he talks about religion and logic and the mind and it makes me question every little ounce of everything i've ever believed. i didn't realize how much i was doubting until today. i'm just doubting it all.

which is probably why i've been missing church. and going through crazy extraverted spurts and solemn introverted spurts. i'm spurting... which is scary. i feel like things are spinning out of control, but i really have it more together than i think i ever had. probably because i'm not grounded in anything right now. my faith is out of control... i believe in God and i love Him and i'm trying... i really am. but i'm focusing on one side of my heart and the other side is having a party. i'm focusing on being a better person, a better friend, doing more, having a purpose... and the things i used to get hung up on aren't weighing on my heart as much any more. maybe it's a dull conscience. maybe it's right.

ugh.

i just had love in a box. a little, neatly wrapped box that had rules listed on the outside and a expiration date. the box has exploded in my face, and my world has turned upside down because of it. love is radical, it's out of control.. it's not prim and proper and easy to sum up. it's self denial and it's pain and it's struggle and it's passion. it's insane, really.

love is patient, love is kind?... it is, all of that is true. i know it... but that's perfect love. we love imperfectly all day long in the struggle to get there. and life isn't sweet and simple anymore. we can shrink our world so it seems that way (welcome to furman), but it's not. people are neurotic... everyone is full of flaws and ridiculousness, and we're all trying to find someone with flaws that intrigue us and help us grow. flaws we can really love. patiently, kindly, without fail. the passion and the neuroticism give us the courage to pursue love, to have faith in God that we're capable of it all. i used to think "genuine love" and "passion" couldn't cross paths... that passion couldn't be pure. somewhere in my heart, i pray that it can be. there's no way God would create us with a desire for passion and a call for purity if the two were mutually exclusive. God isn't cruel.

so here it is: my current insane state of confusion. and now i must go write about death. sweet.

:) fun weekend by the way... costume party friday and semiformal saturday... and we had our first apartment party, which was really good! i learned i still am not rachel ray, but that's okay... chicken parmesana was a bit of an adventure ;). oh, and my boyfriend is a goob... but a fun goob... i've never had so much fun tearing up the dance floor. we invented a new move that reminded me of a bull in a china shop. ha. maybe that's a good analogy for cory at a tridelt function... bull in a china shop. he's wonderful.

and i'm buried in homework. econ due tonight, two papers due tomorrow (1 pg and 12 pgs), lots of delta stuff to do, big test wednesday, teaching a 2 hr and 15 minute class on thursday (on the nature of autism.. eep!) ... and then i'll probably die. it will be a happy death though, right? right?

:) back to death..

do you ever have one of those days or hours or moments where it's just little hit after little hit until you are left feeling slightly queezy and really tired?

welcome to today.

i'm in over my head. furman does this to me, sometimes... i know, i know, that's an "other-centered" blame approach if i've ever heard one... but it's true. it just kind of overwhelms you until you're left with a whole lot of stress and not much to say for it. i officially almost-failed at every thing i turned in last week. and now this week is becomming a lot like last week... it makes me wonder if i should even bother with the pile of crap i have to do now.

so there it is: my current stress.

i just want a nap. not a long one, just a little one.. i just don't have time. at least i don't have any econ tests coming up. thats good, right?

i just want time for me when i don't have to worry about everything else. time when i can breathe without feeling like i'm wasting time. since when has breathing become a waste of time? sad, huh. i wish life had a pause button. not an easy button -- just a pause button.

jeepers.

chicks dig it . chris cagle :)

Hey y'all.. watch this
Daddy's belt, momma's drapes
Standin' tall on the backyard shed
Lookin' cool in my superman cape
I told the the neighborhood girl
Say hey y'all watch this
My fate was a broken arm
My reward one big kiss
When daddy asked me why I did it
I made him laugh out loud when I told him
'Cause the chicks dig it

Scars heal, glory fades
And all we're left with are the memories made
Pain hurts, but only for a minute
Yeah life is short so go on and live it
'Cause the chicks dig it

Black top road
Learner permit
Thought I was Earnhardt
Drivin' fast but I didn't see the ditch
Took out a mailbox, then a fence and then a barn
The police came and called my father
But I met the farmer's daughter
And when the judge asked me why I did it
He threw the book at me when I told him
"'Cause the chicks dig it"

Scars heal, glory fades
And all we're left with are the memories made
Pain hurts, but only for a minute
Yeah life is short so go on and live it
'Cause the chicks dig it

Just throw caution to the wind my friend
Then sit back and watch your life begin, ' cause

Scars heal, glory fades
And all we're left with are the memories made
Pain hurts, but only for a minute
Yeah life is short so go on and live it
'Cause the chicks dig it

Scars heal, glory fades
And all we're left with are the memories made
Pain hurts, but only for a minute
Yeah life is short so go on and live it
It don't matter if you lose or if you win it
Hey the chicks dig it
The chicks dig it




this song makes me smile. a whole bunch.

ramona . guster

Ramona, where have you been?
I couldn't go to sleep 'til you came in
Ramona, you're Miss Oklahoma
And you miss Oklahoma
I'll get you what you want

'Cause there were days
When a refrain
would brighten our corner
of Hickory Lane
When you would sing that song for me
Just like your favorite singer

Why'd you have to be so nice?
A wink and a girlie smile
Why'd you have to punch my eye?
That was something
But did you want me to stay?

When I was younger and thought of myself
I never dreamed I'd become like this
A snap of your fingers an end to the argument
Anything for you, love

'Cause there were days
When a refrain
would brighten our corner
of Hickory Lane
When you would sing that song for me
The only one you know
But I know now
not at the start
We're going to pieces
We're falling apart
So come and sing that song for me
Just like your favorite singer





guster is ridiculously honest. smitten and proud of it. awesome.

i wanna love somebody like you . keith urban

There's a new wind blowing like I've never known
I'm breathing deeper than I've ever done
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you.

And I'm letting go of all my lonely yesterdays
I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made
Now theres just one thing, the only thing I wanna do
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you

Yeah I wanna feel the sunshine shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
You let me know theres nothing in this world I can't do

I used to run in circles going no where fast
I'd take one step forward end up two steps back
I couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you

Whoa here we go now
Yeah, Hey i wanna love you baby

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand
But you're teaching me to be a better man
I don't want to take this life for granted like I used to do
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you
I'm ready to love somebody, love somebody like you

things that make me smile

- this amazing weather
- todd... i realized today that we're actually getting somewhere
- being so stressed out i can hardly handle it.. then hearing the front door open and seeing cory standing there with a coffee, late at night, having driven 30 minutes just to surprise me :)
- liz.
- artichoke and sundried-tomato quesadilla
- a few leaves changing colors
- naps under down comforters when you're so tired your cheeks are warm
- french vanilla tea
- actually liking what i'm studying
- pictures of dogs dressed like nuns (thanks, russell)
- guilt.. sometimes God can use it to kick our butts into line
- my bike!! it's fixed!!

... just needed a little break. presentation is done.. just two tests and a paper to go? and then FALL BREAK!!! during which.. i dont know what i'm doing. oh well.

aaaaah!

so this weekend was fun. but i wish i was 21.. so i could actually go out when people are in town. i'm sick of frat parties, really.

and of watermelon calling.

he called more the last two days than ever before -- and at really, REALLY unusual times. usually his calling sprees are in the evening.. between 4 and 10. but yesterday, he called alllll day. and then -- much to my surprise -- alllll night.

3:03 PM
3:04 PM
5:26 PM
5:27 PM
5:30 PM
8:59 PM
9:26 PM
12:11 AM
12:13 AM
1:30 AM
1:34 AM
1:35 AM
1:35 AM
4:43 AM
4:49 AM
8:23 AM
8:26 AM
11:18 AM
11:35 AM
11:37 AM
11:47 AM
11:48 AM
11:49 AM
11:49 AM
11:54 AM

IM GOING INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At one point, I was on the phone with Crafty (yay!), and he proceeded to call three times. Another time, I was talking to Cory -- and he called four times.

I don't get it. WHAT IS SETTING HIM OFF?

I can't turn my phone off, especially at night, because I use it as an alarm. And it's his mom's phone (yeah.. she lets him go nuts sometimes.. its really frustrating), so I can't call her to get him to stop. So i'm thinking about going over there later if it doesn't slow down. I can't get work done. And if I'm on the phone, he's beeping in the whole time. I just don't want to deal with his mother.

I've tried answering, but then he hangs up -- he knows hes in trouble. And he won't stay on long enough for me to try to talk him out of it.

ARGH.

Phew. Okay. Corey Smith, please.


When I was only seventeen, couldn't wait for twenty one
I'd hang around on Clayton Street in the bars there gettin' drunk
A baseball cap and a fake ID would get me in the clubs
Then I would dance with the college girls and lie about who I was
I'd say "I'm pre-Med. here at UGA, live on Milledge Avenue.
I was raised over in Buckhead, I drive a BMW."

I was breakin' hearts and takin' names and numbers just for fun.
Stealin' kisses wishin' I was twenty one.

When Thursdays came and pocket change would quickly disappear
Upstairs at Lowry's Tavern, we'd pay a nickel for every beer
Shootin' pool, smokin' cigarettes with a dizzy head and a grin
Four A.M. on a school night, still hangin' out with my friends
One hour's sleep on a dirty couch, no shower, off to school
Smellin' just like a brewery with a bad hangover too

The teachers all would hassle me: "Stay awake, pay attention"
I was catchin' hell, wishin' I was twenty one.

The youngest one of all my friends, I didn't act my age
Too cool for the football games and the homecoming parades

Now I look back and I have to smile, cause boy it was fun
Bein' seventeen, wishin' I was twenty one

Now I'm only twenty six, feelin' more like fourty three
My hairline's disappearing, and I never get ID'd
My clothes are out of fashion, no I'm not cool anymore
In the bed by ten o'clock each night, and up at half-past four
Still I go down to that college down when the Bulldogs play at home
I drink keg beer from a trash can til the whole damn thing is gone

Then I look at all those college girls so innocent and young
And I just check 'em out, and say "Damn... I wish I was twenty one"

Corey Smith


back to my ridiculous amount of homework... :-D