little snippets of things i don't want to ever forget...
i went to my first monster truck rally on saturday. with campers.. and cory.. and it was a blast. i knew it would be an adventurous afternoon when we walked in and heard a small child in the upper deck scream "GIT R DOOONNNEE!"
right. ;)
and i'm mailing off my final reference stuff for tridelta tomorrow. it's all signed and beautiful and DONE! ... and i couldn't be happier. i'm ready for new tasks and challenges :)
OOH! BIG NEWS! lili's story has been selected to appear on a website that channels donations into charities every time her video is viewed.. so CLICK HERE to learn about the new little love of my life AND donate to autism speaks just by watching! she's amazing... she has already impacted my life so much... aba has been such a rewarding experience.
sometimes it frustrates me how few opportunities we have to be truly selfless. God blesses the good we do so much so that it's almost not good anymore, just because it feels so good, you know? i'm reminded of how important the trying times are -- the anger and hurt and pain give us the opportunity to truly love.
speaking of truly lovin' ;)... i've decided that cory gets me. few people do... but he understands me and knows where i'm coming from. he has this incredible gift for understanding and loving people. i credit him for a lot of my sanity -- what's left of it anyway -- because he constantly reminds me what's really important. i'm blessed. really, really blessed. and apparently i'm at "that point" i vowed i'd never be at where i'm posting disgustingly loveydovey things on my blog.
ew, bridgette. stop.
sooo i'm going to go eat cherry pie and go to bed. i've had a long day and it ended with a stressful 6 hour meeting over junk food. i'd been eating healthy and working out.. and then i got stressed. ha. i'll be good again tomorrow. and i can't be grouchy tomorrow because i was so grouchy today. yikes.
:) gnite
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
diverse and white. boo-ya.
tonight i felt like the uncool kid stuck in the cool kid group... and it wasn't cool.
i'm going to go ahead and be extremely unpolitically correct for a few minutes here, and you can just skip this post if it's going to offend you.
on the outside, i am a white upper/middle class female attending a prestigious school and pursuing good grades. i'm greek, and i'm involved in a few activities that i'm passionate about. i have a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend, a dog, a cat, and a few deceased fish. i'm christian, i went to a private school, and i love life is good pajama pants.
i'm a furman girl.
but for God's sake.. look deeper. i'm german irish catholic... a rare breed in the south... and i am DEEPLY in love with my faith. i don't think we're saved by a prayer or damned for a sin. i believe in Truth and forgiveness and our limited perspective on the unlimited love of God. i believe the death penalty is overused and birth control is sinful. and i believe in the Eucharist -- that God has humbled Himself under the appearance of bread and wine so that we can get through life without completely screwing ourselves over. i don't pray to Mary, i pray through Mary. i've been persecuted for being Catholic... i can't tell you the number of altar boy jokes i've heard or the number of mean and cruel comments i've suffered. i'm a southern Catholic, and i'm blessed.
i'm part of the 30% of furman's campus that is greek, but that technically makes me a minority. i put myself out there -- going through rush rounds, getting to know different types of people -- so that i could stretch myself. i rushed to find a group of girls with character i could admire and differences i would grow to respect. i didn't settle for friends just like me that i would meet in the psych department or in church.
i'm passionate about my schoolwork because i genuinely love to learn. i want to help children with autism communicate with the world because i believe in the capacity of the human heart. i'm not going for good grades because i'm neurotic.. sometimes i know that i have to suck it up and memorize things i will eventually forget (how to calculate GDP? please.) so that i can get into grad school and learn the incredible things i need to know to make a difference. God has blessed me with a lot of knowledge and inspiring mentors through my education, and i've fallen in love with learning about the progression of people and ideas. i'm not just another student, i'm a scholar with a purpose. i want to change the world.
i have a boyfriend, and i'm madly in love with him. but we're not the typical cookie cutter couple -- we're so incredibly different. we push each other and make each other grow... he's a southern baptist, born and raised on a farm in greer. i'm a yankee catholic, born in idaho and raised in pittsburgh and charleston. we're passionate about the same things but different in our approaches, and i have never been this happy. he's made me slow down and smell the roses, and i've made him slow down and read a book (ha. just kidding). i've never been this inspired by anyone, and i can't help but thank God for that treestump. i don't know that i would have had the guts to talk to the boy i had a ridiculous crush on any other way ;)
(p.s... happy side note. spent anniversary eating cherry pie straight out of the pan while sitting in bed watching parking wars. YES, PLEASE)
so am i really a furman girl? i hate the bubble, i'm not straightline conservative, i don't believe in "getting saved," i'm academically obsessed with an unexplainable mystery, i don't own single coach bag or designer piece of clothing, i talk about Jesus over a beer, i work to afford groceries and books... do i really fit the mold? am i really just like the rest?
i'm sick of being discriminated against for not being diverse. i'm not black, i'm not from some crazy far off land, i haven't been stricken with a crisis that's forced me to grow. but you know what? i've made myself grow in the white middle class world. i've found inspiration to appreciate the things i haven't experienced in my meager 20 years of life. and i've had my share of struggles, too.
i don't "look" diverse, and i'm proud of my light freckles and unpainted toenails and left eye that's a little wider than my right. i don't have dreads or weird tattoos or strange clothes.. although i have always secretly wanted a little nose stud (but i'll never get one). i'm proud of my irish german heritage.. my great grandfather worked at the bar that invented happy hour :). and you know what? the scar on my knee isn't from some cool white water rafting trip or rock climbing adventure. it's from tripping over a curb during a snowball fight. i'm not ridiculously liberal. i'm not ridiculously cool. i'm just ridiculously me.
somehow, furman has been divided into the "preps and fratties" and the "cool granola kids"... and most of us don't fit either place. each group claims to be diverse in perspective, yet neither will accept the other.. or anyone that falls between. it's like with the kinsey sicks and ann coutour.... we brought kinsey sicks last spring, and the conservatives raised hell because they were hated against. now annie is causing a tizzy because the liberals don't like getting hated on either.
gosh, guys... see a trend?
NO ONE likes to be bullied or told they're wrong. no one likes their tuition money going towards a program that will hurt their feelings. but instead of looking at it objectively, we ONLY look at things personally.
and see.. the problem won't be solved by granolas popping their collars or preppies strapping on chacos. there will still be poverty and disease and heartbreak and Godlessness. making ourselves look more like the rest will only silence the different ones even more.
dialogue doesn't require changing opinions,but it does lead to growth in perspective.
grow, grow, grow.
here's typical furman for you: on the anniversary of roe vs. wade, the feminist club planned a clp at the same time and in the same building as the conservative club. both programs aimed to promote discussion about abortion, but let's be honest.. the liberals went to one room and the conservatives went to the other. both groups beat to their own drum and preached to their own choir.
i sent an email to both organizations about the issue and got the same response -- it's the other group's fault. the feminists pointed out that their clp had cookie cake, and the conservatives pointed out that they reserved the room first.
i don't give a damn how many calories you're going to feed me or how spiffy your venue is. BABIES ARE DYING. if you actually cared to make a difference, you'd BRAVE DIALOGUE.
BRAVE DIALOGUE.
yeah, it's hard to put yourself out there. you'll get yelled at, you'll get silenced. you won't be appreciated, and you won't always be loved. but you'll be you. and if you're praying as you go, by the grace of God, you'll be the best you that you can be.
do we really think He made us to hate each other? He made us different, but clearly not so we'd kill each other. Maybe, just maybe, God had the hope that His creation would unconditionally love each other like He loves us.. that we would be inspired by each other and seek to appreciate our differences.
::sigh::
so... i'm done with my wine, which means i should also be done with my whine :). 15 minutes of grumpy a day, and i've gone far over my quota. i think i've used up my entire week, actually.
... and now i'm going to read over this post and get frustrated at myself for being so judgemental of everyone and for classifying furman into oversimplified cliques. it's just.. this day. it's been a frustrating reality. :)
i'm so ready for england.
OOH! ENGLAND! it's coming together :) i got a description of the research i'll be doing and it sounds PERFECT. i'm just waiting on a solid "YAY!" as far as lab space goes, and i'll then pull out of the other labs i've been pursuing. and i've been applying for internships for the spring -- one at a center for developmentally delayed or abused children, which i'm sure would be a challenge and a blessing. i'll keep y'all posted.
haha, get it? posted? literally? like.. on a post?
cheesy joke of the day from o-staff interviews...
"Why was the police officer in bed?"
-- "He was undercover."
tee.hee.
goodnight :)
i'm going to go ahead and be extremely unpolitically correct for a few minutes here, and you can just skip this post if it's going to offend you.
on the outside, i am a white upper/middle class female attending a prestigious school and pursuing good grades. i'm greek, and i'm involved in a few activities that i'm passionate about. i have a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend, a dog, a cat, and a few deceased fish. i'm christian, i went to a private school, and i love life is good pajama pants.
i'm a furman girl.
but for God's sake.. look deeper. i'm german irish catholic... a rare breed in the south... and i am DEEPLY in love with my faith. i don't think we're saved by a prayer or damned for a sin. i believe in Truth and forgiveness and our limited perspective on the unlimited love of God. i believe the death penalty is overused and birth control is sinful. and i believe in the Eucharist -- that God has humbled Himself under the appearance of bread and wine so that we can get through life without completely screwing ourselves over. i don't pray to Mary, i pray through Mary. i've been persecuted for being Catholic... i can't tell you the number of altar boy jokes i've heard or the number of mean and cruel comments i've suffered. i'm a southern Catholic, and i'm blessed.
i'm part of the 30% of furman's campus that is greek, but that technically makes me a minority. i put myself out there -- going through rush rounds, getting to know different types of people -- so that i could stretch myself. i rushed to find a group of girls with character i could admire and differences i would grow to respect. i didn't settle for friends just like me that i would meet in the psych department or in church.
i'm passionate about my schoolwork because i genuinely love to learn. i want to help children with autism communicate with the world because i believe in the capacity of the human heart. i'm not going for good grades because i'm neurotic.. sometimes i know that i have to suck it up and memorize things i will eventually forget (how to calculate GDP? please.) so that i can get into grad school and learn the incredible things i need to know to make a difference. God has blessed me with a lot of knowledge and inspiring mentors through my education, and i've fallen in love with learning about the progression of people and ideas. i'm not just another student, i'm a scholar with a purpose. i want to change the world.
i have a boyfriend, and i'm madly in love with him. but we're not the typical cookie cutter couple -- we're so incredibly different. we push each other and make each other grow... he's a southern baptist, born and raised on a farm in greer. i'm a yankee catholic, born in idaho and raised in pittsburgh and charleston. we're passionate about the same things but different in our approaches, and i have never been this happy. he's made me slow down and smell the roses, and i've made him slow down and read a book (ha. just kidding). i've never been this inspired by anyone, and i can't help but thank God for that treestump. i don't know that i would have had the guts to talk to the boy i had a ridiculous crush on any other way ;)
(p.s... happy side note. spent anniversary eating cherry pie straight out of the pan while sitting in bed watching parking wars. YES, PLEASE)
so am i really a furman girl? i hate the bubble, i'm not straightline conservative, i don't believe in "getting saved," i'm academically obsessed with an unexplainable mystery, i don't own single coach bag or designer piece of clothing, i talk about Jesus over a beer, i work to afford groceries and books... do i really fit the mold? am i really just like the rest?
i'm sick of being discriminated against for not being diverse. i'm not black, i'm not from some crazy far off land, i haven't been stricken with a crisis that's forced me to grow. but you know what? i've made myself grow in the white middle class world. i've found inspiration to appreciate the things i haven't experienced in my meager 20 years of life. and i've had my share of struggles, too.
i don't "look" diverse, and i'm proud of my light freckles and unpainted toenails and left eye that's a little wider than my right. i don't have dreads or weird tattoos or strange clothes.. although i have always secretly wanted a little nose stud (but i'll never get one). i'm proud of my irish german heritage.. my great grandfather worked at the bar that invented happy hour :). and you know what? the scar on my knee isn't from some cool white water rafting trip or rock climbing adventure. it's from tripping over a curb during a snowball fight. i'm not ridiculously liberal. i'm not ridiculously cool. i'm just ridiculously me.
somehow, furman has been divided into the "preps and fratties" and the "cool granola kids"... and most of us don't fit either place. each group claims to be diverse in perspective, yet neither will accept the other.. or anyone that falls between. it's like with the kinsey sicks and ann coutour.... we brought kinsey sicks last spring, and the conservatives raised hell because they were hated against. now annie is causing a tizzy because the liberals don't like getting hated on either.
gosh, guys... see a trend?
NO ONE likes to be bullied or told they're wrong. no one likes their tuition money going towards a program that will hurt their feelings. but instead of looking at it objectively, we ONLY look at things personally.
and see.. the problem won't be solved by granolas popping their collars or preppies strapping on chacos. there will still be poverty and disease and heartbreak and Godlessness. making ourselves look more like the rest will only silence the different ones even more.
dialogue doesn't require changing opinions,but it does lead to growth in perspective.
grow, grow, grow.
here's typical furman for you: on the anniversary of roe vs. wade, the feminist club planned a clp at the same time and in the same building as the conservative club. both programs aimed to promote discussion about abortion, but let's be honest.. the liberals went to one room and the conservatives went to the other. both groups beat to their own drum and preached to their own choir.
i sent an email to both organizations about the issue and got the same response -- it's the other group's fault. the feminists pointed out that their clp had cookie cake, and the conservatives pointed out that they reserved the room first.
i don't give a damn how many calories you're going to feed me or how spiffy your venue is. BABIES ARE DYING. if you actually cared to make a difference, you'd BRAVE DIALOGUE.
BRAVE DIALOGUE.
yeah, it's hard to put yourself out there. you'll get yelled at, you'll get silenced. you won't be appreciated, and you won't always be loved. but you'll be you. and if you're praying as you go, by the grace of God, you'll be the best you that you can be.
do we really think He made us to hate each other? He made us different, but clearly not so we'd kill each other. Maybe, just maybe, God had the hope that His creation would unconditionally love each other like He loves us.. that we would be inspired by each other and seek to appreciate our differences.
::sigh::
so... i'm done with my wine, which means i should also be done with my whine :). 15 minutes of grumpy a day, and i've gone far over my quota. i think i've used up my entire week, actually.
... and now i'm going to read over this post and get frustrated at myself for being so judgemental of everyone and for classifying furman into oversimplified cliques. it's just.. this day. it's been a frustrating reality. :)
i'm so ready for england.
OOH! ENGLAND! it's coming together :) i got a description of the research i'll be doing and it sounds PERFECT. i'm just waiting on a solid "YAY!" as far as lab space goes, and i'll then pull out of the other labs i've been pursuing. and i've been applying for internships for the spring -- one at a center for developmentally delayed or abused children, which i'm sure would be a challenge and a blessing. i'll keep y'all posted.
haha, get it? posted? literally? like.. on a post?
cheesy joke of the day from o-staff interviews...
"Why was the police officer in bed?"
-- "He was undercover."
tee.hee.
goodnight :)
Friday, January 25, 2008
carrots and butterfly boobs
i'm the proud grandmother of two adorable new deltas.
tonight was big sis rev... we got our new family members (katie got twins!!) and took 'em out to dinner :-D... and now i'm back for a few before i go to a 21st bday bashish thing and the manor maybe? we'll see.
my new family though? ridiculous. i was literally CRYING during dinner i was laughing so hard.. from katies crazy middle school stories ("... and then i broke both of my arms") to katie p's bouquet of carrots... to martha lane in general... it was incredible. our family is ridiculous, and i love it. rachel and i are going to have to work to keep up with them ;)
work today was good... lili and i are becoming friends, which is nice. and she drank through a straw yesterday, which is HUGE news (she used to have a feeding tube... this progress is incredible).. and she's slowly learning how to say my name. "bridgette" is tricky, though. maybe i'll go by birdy again. i kind of miss it.
it's just been one of those insane weeks, you know? and i'm glad its done, but i have a huge physics test monday, a ton of tridelt paperwork due sunday, and i've promised myself i'd leave tomorrow for my campers and cory :). so that leaves tonight and sunday.. and i'm working on sunday. and we have slating. so it's going to be buuuuuuusy.
oh, well. it will get done. maybe if i did it now instead of blogging.. ha. :-D
but yes, things are good. i'm trying to snag an internship for the spring and i'm dying waiting for the e-mail from cambridge.... i sent back information about when i can come, and as long as the dates match up, i should be good to go.
please let the dates match up... :)
i always get so excited about these things before they're 100% set in stone, you know? it's so my personality to be optomistic.. but it can really drive me bonkers. ha. bonkers. i like that word.
bonkers.
okay, going to do a problem or two before we go out. or MAYBE pump myself with caffeine. i'm sleeepy.. and it's not even 10 yet. i really am a grandma ;)
tonight was big sis rev... we got our new family members (katie got twins!!) and took 'em out to dinner :-D... and now i'm back for a few before i go to a 21st bday bashish thing and the manor maybe? we'll see.
my new family though? ridiculous. i was literally CRYING during dinner i was laughing so hard.. from katies crazy middle school stories ("... and then i broke both of my arms") to katie p's bouquet of carrots... to martha lane in general... it was incredible. our family is ridiculous, and i love it. rachel and i are going to have to work to keep up with them ;)
work today was good... lili and i are becoming friends, which is nice. and she drank through a straw yesterday, which is HUGE news (she used to have a feeding tube... this progress is incredible).. and she's slowly learning how to say my name. "bridgette" is tricky, though. maybe i'll go by birdy again. i kind of miss it.
it's just been one of those insane weeks, you know? and i'm glad its done, but i have a huge physics test monday, a ton of tridelt paperwork due sunday, and i've promised myself i'd leave tomorrow for my campers and cory :). so that leaves tonight and sunday.. and i'm working on sunday. and we have slating. so it's going to be buuuuuuusy.
oh, well. it will get done. maybe if i did it now instead of blogging.. ha. :-D
but yes, things are good. i'm trying to snag an internship for the spring and i'm dying waiting for the e-mail from cambridge.... i sent back information about when i can come, and as long as the dates match up, i should be good to go.
please let the dates match up... :)
i always get so excited about these things before they're 100% set in stone, you know? it's so my personality to be optomistic.. but it can really drive me bonkers. ha. bonkers. i like that word.
bonkers.
okay, going to do a problem or two before we go out. or MAYBE pump myself with caffeine. i'm sleeepy.. and it's not even 10 yet. i really am a grandma ;)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
something beautiful
so today was really nice... took my first brewer test of the term today (his multiple choice are a page long EACH some times... "two of the above" "three of the above" "none of the above")... and it didn't go horribly, which i suppose is good. we shall see, no?
i found myself taking a nap in the library at 8am, though... i got up at 6:30 to study, decided i was far too sleepy, so i went to the library specifically to curl up in one of the red chairs in the back (you know you do it too)... twas nice :)
went to lunch with jessie (instead of working out... oops), then came back and showered and cleaned and went to lab.... and then came back and hung out with cory. for the first time in FOREVER... which was splendid(ly). and he made dinner, and just sitting there with him and hearing about his day and talking to him about everyday stuff was my favorite part of this week. he's just... great.
hillary clinton is coming tomorrow?! whoa. huckabee, obama, and hillary in a two weeks. go, furman. they all scare me in their own respective ways, but whatev ;)
went to ccm tonight and hung out with the catholic kids :) it was nice being able to relax and "be like everyone else" for a few minutes... we're all really different personality wise, but there's a homeyness that comes from the community aspect of faith. linking back into that homeyness was incredible.
i'm nervous about this summer. things are coming -- i'm waiting to hear back from the grad student i'd be working under for the big "GO!" and then i'll back out of my other two schools that i've been pursuing. he seems really great; he's very concerned with making my experience preparatory for grad school... which is *perfect*. aaand it's abroad. so i'd be getting that culture shock i've been craving.
i thought about it today, though.. and this is the first time ever that i'd really be going somewhere alone. i'm going to a foreign school, living in a strange city, travelling and working in a new environment for 10 or so weeks? it will be an adventure, for sure. i think i'm ready? maybe i will be by the time summer rolls around. and if i'm not and this whole deal does go through ... i'll grow. always do.
i'm so incredibly excited. but not too excited because it's not quite signed and done. but excited nonetheless.
:-D
i found myself taking a nap in the library at 8am, though... i got up at 6:30 to study, decided i was far too sleepy, so i went to the library specifically to curl up in one of the red chairs in the back (you know you do it too)... twas nice :)
went to lunch with jessie (instead of working out... oops), then came back and showered and cleaned and went to lab.... and then came back and hung out with cory. for the first time in FOREVER... which was splendid(ly). and he made dinner, and just sitting there with him and hearing about his day and talking to him about everyday stuff was my favorite part of this week. he's just... great.
hillary clinton is coming tomorrow?! whoa. huckabee, obama, and hillary in a two weeks. go, furman. they all scare me in their own respective ways, but whatev ;)
went to ccm tonight and hung out with the catholic kids :) it was nice being able to relax and "be like everyone else" for a few minutes... we're all really different personality wise, but there's a homeyness that comes from the community aspect of faith. linking back into that homeyness was incredible.
i'm nervous about this summer. things are coming -- i'm waiting to hear back from the grad student i'd be working under for the big "GO!" and then i'll back out of my other two schools that i've been pursuing. he seems really great; he's very concerned with making my experience preparatory for grad school... which is *perfect*. aaand it's abroad. so i'd be getting that culture shock i've been craving.
i thought about it today, though.. and this is the first time ever that i'd really be going somewhere alone. i'm going to a foreign school, living in a strange city, travelling and working in a new environment for 10 or so weeks? it will be an adventure, for sure. i think i'm ready? maybe i will be by the time summer rolls around. and if i'm not and this whole deal does go through ... i'll grow. always do.
i'm so incredibly excited. but not too excited because it's not quite signed and done. but excited nonetheless.
:-D
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
another blessing :)
so apparently God wasn't done yesterday.
got an e-mail this morning that my #1 lab choice may be taking me as a research assistant this summer. ... i freaked out. called mom and she said she prayed that would happen.. that i would get to go somewhere really different, get out of everything i know.
met with the head of furman advantage this afternoon, and she said i should have no trouble getting funding to go... complete funding...
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
so now i'm going to go *try* to study for my psych test.. eep! toss up some prayers this whole thing works out!!!
:-D
got an e-mail this morning that my #1 lab choice may be taking me as a research assistant this summer. ... i freaked out. called mom and she said she prayed that would happen.. that i would get to go somewhere really different, get out of everything i know.
met with the head of furman advantage this afternoon, and she said i should have no trouble getting funding to go... complete funding...
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
so now i'm going to go *try* to study for my psych test.. eep! toss up some prayers this whole thing works out!!!
:-D
Monday, January 21, 2008
a day of blessings
so i had a rough weekend spiritually... it was one of those humbling experiences where i realized i really don't have it all figured out, i really do need God's love, and i cant grasp so tightly onto my world views that i let the little blessings pass me by.
today was filled with wonderful little surprises. a nice chat with one of my kindred spirits (which resulted in identical blog posts, mind you), some good quality time with cory, catch up time with an old friend, a random starbucks run-in with an old buddy, and a great conversation with my mom. and hannah.... a wonderful chat with her, too. it was a really well-rounded day.
mom helped me figure out whats going on with my furman feelings... she made me realize it's normal... furman really is a bubble... it's not the real world. and just like i was ready to move out of the house my junior year of high school, i'm ready to take off my junior year of college. she said i've always been committed to my dreams and ready to pursue them... i'm just always a little ahead of schedule, which is fine. i just want to work hard to get into a school where i'll be happy and comfortable... and i'm starting to think that means a big city, lots of diverse people... not the atmosphere i'm used to.
so that made me feel a lot better -- she told me about her experiences at nursing school and how she felt the same way -- maybe it's in my blood :) i'm ready to be independent.
and another friend had a good perspective on furman that i've come to agree with... that it's really easy to make friends here, but it's also really easy to lose them. the second you do something they don't like, it's easy for them to find a new group even more like them. that's not how the real world works... not at all. i'm ready for reality to sink in.
so the plan is to be the best i can be here, and look forward to a time where i can be the best i can be somewhere else. it's all i can do :)
and it looks like i *might* be doing a senior thesis with the psych department, so that will be fun. and tridelta slating is this week... if i got a new office that would be pretty exciting, too. i loved loved LOVED the one i had, but i'm ready for something with a little less paper time and a little more people time.
spiritually some stuff cleared up, too... i realized how discouraged i was at life, and how that discouragement makes me feel like i'm not capable of loving or being loved by God... and how separated i've become from my vocation, from my entire purpose in life. ::sigh:: and realizing what's wrong made me feel a lot better... because everything will work out, things will get better... i'm only 20 years old, and i'm dealing with typical 20-year-old stuff... questioning friendships, trying to figure out my life, changing my relationships with my family, getting into serious relationships... it's just that time, you know? i feel abnormal at furman, but i'm starting to realize i'm not... we all struggle. i just don't hide it well.
if you're tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind...
the funny thing is that all of these little "discoveries" came from conversations throughout the day... God truly took some burdens off my heart. i feel like i'm in the right place, and that's enough to get me through to the next big thing. and that's what life's all about, right?
:)
i made up my mind when i was a young girl
i was given this one world-- i won't worry it away
now and again i lose sight of the good life
i get stuck in a low life
...and then love comes in.
- sara bareilles . many the miles
today was filled with wonderful little surprises. a nice chat with one of my kindred spirits (which resulted in identical blog posts, mind you), some good quality time with cory, catch up time with an old friend, a random starbucks run-in with an old buddy, and a great conversation with my mom. and hannah.... a wonderful chat with her, too. it was a really well-rounded day.
mom helped me figure out whats going on with my furman feelings... she made me realize it's normal... furman really is a bubble... it's not the real world. and just like i was ready to move out of the house my junior year of high school, i'm ready to take off my junior year of college. she said i've always been committed to my dreams and ready to pursue them... i'm just always a little ahead of schedule, which is fine. i just want to work hard to get into a school where i'll be happy and comfortable... and i'm starting to think that means a big city, lots of diverse people... not the atmosphere i'm used to.
so that made me feel a lot better -- she told me about her experiences at nursing school and how she felt the same way -- maybe it's in my blood :) i'm ready to be independent.
and another friend had a good perspective on furman that i've come to agree with... that it's really easy to make friends here, but it's also really easy to lose them. the second you do something they don't like, it's easy for them to find a new group even more like them. that's not how the real world works... not at all. i'm ready for reality to sink in.
so the plan is to be the best i can be here, and look forward to a time where i can be the best i can be somewhere else. it's all i can do :)
and it looks like i *might* be doing a senior thesis with the psych department, so that will be fun. and tridelta slating is this week... if i got a new office that would be pretty exciting, too. i loved loved LOVED the one i had, but i'm ready for something with a little less paper time and a little more people time.
spiritually some stuff cleared up, too... i realized how discouraged i was at life, and how that discouragement makes me feel like i'm not capable of loving or being loved by God... and how separated i've become from my vocation, from my entire purpose in life. ::sigh:: and realizing what's wrong made me feel a lot better... because everything will work out, things will get better... i'm only 20 years old, and i'm dealing with typical 20-year-old stuff... questioning friendships, trying to figure out my life, changing my relationships with my family, getting into serious relationships... it's just that time, you know? i feel abnormal at furman, but i'm starting to realize i'm not... we all struggle. i just don't hide it well.
if you're tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind...
the funny thing is that all of these little "discoveries" came from conversations throughout the day... God truly took some burdens off my heart. i feel like i'm in the right place, and that's enough to get me through to the next big thing. and that's what life's all about, right?
:)
i made up my mind when i was a young girl
i was given this one world-- i won't worry it away
now and again i lose sight of the good life
i get stuck in a low life
...and then love comes in.
- sara bareilles . many the miles
Corinne Bailey Rae . Put Your Records On
Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.
Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.
Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realize, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.
Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.
Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realize, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow
hear something?
so in my never ending quest for procrastination, i added a music thing to my blog. i can't decide if i want it to autostart or not, so if it's obnoxious, let me know. it's kind of cool though because they have some fun fringe music on there that isn't on the radio... so i was able to put up a few things that people who read this thing may not have heard of.
::sigh:: back to studying.
::sigh:: back to studying.
mass is good
mass tonight was really, really good. it was one of those nights when my heart was in the right place, i was ready to get my butt kicked... and God happily did the honors.
i can't even really put my finger on it, but something about the liturgy and the word just really hit me where i needed it to. i've been so overwhelmed lately, and i've realized a lot of it is that i'm trying to live a life that's not really me.
i've spent the last year in big groups of people... around a lot of drinking... and that's not my scene. i like coffeeshop conversations and late night talks over a bottle of wine. or sitting in bed with a beer and a funny movie. i'm not the frat party girl, i guess. i love spending time with people, and drinking is fine... but not really in that circumstance. the deal is... there just aren't a lot of other places to meet people at furman. i'm not going to do the big religious groups on campus because my beliefs don't match up -- i wouldn't want to do it for the people, you know? so i'm in this weird middle place.
i just haven't been praying about it.. discerning it. i haven't been contemplating my decisions or offering those contemplations to others. and i'm happy -- i have an absolutely incredible family, wonderful friends... cory has taught me and given me more than i could ever ask for... i'm just thinking about the future. whether i want to surround myself with bubbles for the rest of my life. i think i want the real world.
mind you, 2 months into it, i'm going to want my happy little furman reality. but whatever :)
so goals for the week... kindness, real love, humility, putting others first, reaching out to the lonely, forgiving... getting back to the basics. letting God take the lead for once.
here we go!
i can't even really put my finger on it, but something about the liturgy and the word just really hit me where i needed it to. i've been so overwhelmed lately, and i've realized a lot of it is that i'm trying to live a life that's not really me.
i've spent the last year in big groups of people... around a lot of drinking... and that's not my scene. i like coffeeshop conversations and late night talks over a bottle of wine. or sitting in bed with a beer and a funny movie. i'm not the frat party girl, i guess. i love spending time with people, and drinking is fine... but not really in that circumstance. the deal is... there just aren't a lot of other places to meet people at furman. i'm not going to do the big religious groups on campus because my beliefs don't match up -- i wouldn't want to do it for the people, you know? so i'm in this weird middle place.
i just haven't been praying about it.. discerning it. i haven't been contemplating my decisions or offering those contemplations to others. and i'm happy -- i have an absolutely incredible family, wonderful friends... cory has taught me and given me more than i could ever ask for... i'm just thinking about the future. whether i want to surround myself with bubbles for the rest of my life. i think i want the real world.
mind you, 2 months into it, i'm going to want my happy little furman reality. but whatever :)
so goals for the week... kindness, real love, humility, putting others first, reaching out to the lonely, forgiving... getting back to the basics. letting God take the lead for once.
here we go!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
oh, right..
i mean, i could go to Catholic U in Washington DC.
1) Catholic school = the community i've been missing dearly since high school
2) i might actually be able to get in
3) (small but existent) autism resesarch lab
4) diverse culture
5) DC... how fun!
6) beautiful campus
7) five year clinical program.. and the last year is an externship.
... maybe? I feel like I'm jumping through a lot of hoops to get where I want to go.. but maybe if I stop looking at prestige and start looking at programs I would enjoy LIVING through, i'll start to enjoy the hoops, too.
hmmm :)
1) Catholic school = the community i've been missing dearly since high school
2) i might actually be able to get in
3) (small but existent) autism resesarch lab
4) diverse culture
5) DC... how fun!
6) beautiful campus
7) five year clinical program.. and the last year is an externship.
... maybe? I feel like I'm jumping through a lot of hoops to get where I want to go.. but maybe if I stop looking at prestige and start looking at programs I would enjoy LIVING through, i'll start to enjoy the hoops, too.
hmmm :)
discouragement
It's a gorgeous day outside. I'm about to brave the cold for a riviting expedition to the library. And I'm eating turkey chilli (the cooking thing is getting a lot better..) and drinking hot tea, and things should be really good. Right?
I don't know what my deal is, though. I talked to my kindred spirit the other day about it... it's almost like now that the business is over, I'm not giving as much -- all of the things I was pouring myself into have kind of faded out, and in combination with some little frustrations elsewhere, I'm just ready for something new. Furman feels like middle school -- it always has for me. Maybe my experience is unique, but college has felt like one series of cliques after another.
It's almost like we all have this love threshold.. we either need to give or get a certain amount, and when the balance is thrown off, we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I just don't like the cut-throat nature of college... I don't like the competition, the desparate need for attention, the pressure to look and act a certain way. It's overwhelming at Furman... especially during rush. The worst is when someone feels like they succeed, and they get so caught up in the joy of "making it" that they forget what they're all about. I've seen that more times than I'd like to think about ... in myself and in others ... and it's scary.
So why do I want to go to grad school? Seriously? :)
I'm just ready for something new... some place different than here. My trouble is that I keep looking for the same thing -- even the two labs that I'm deciding between for the summer are Furman-esque... probably even worse, actually. It's comfortable, but it's not right for me. I need to find some place that's right for me, even if it's not comfortable at first.
Maybe that's it -- maybe I'm just addicted to comfort. Maybe if I got over the idea that real life isn't comfortable, I'd feel a lot better.
-Lucille Ball (stole this one from caitlyn -- perfect, no?)
I don't know what my deal is, though. I talked to my kindred spirit the other day about it... it's almost like now that the business is over, I'm not giving as much -- all of the things I was pouring myself into have kind of faded out, and in combination with some little frustrations elsewhere, I'm just ready for something new. Furman feels like middle school -- it always has for me. Maybe my experience is unique, but college has felt like one series of cliques after another.
It's almost like we all have this love threshold.. we either need to give or get a certain amount, and when the balance is thrown off, we don't know what to do with ourselves.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I just don't like the cut-throat nature of college... I don't like the competition, the desparate need for attention, the pressure to look and act a certain way. It's overwhelming at Furman... especially during rush. The worst is when someone feels like they succeed, and they get so caught up in the joy of "making it" that they forget what they're all about. I've seen that more times than I'd like to think about ... in myself and in others ... and it's scary.
So why do I want to go to grad school? Seriously? :)
I'm just ready for something new... some place different than here. My trouble is that I keep looking for the same thing -- even the two labs that I'm deciding between for the summer are Furman-esque... probably even worse, actually. It's comfortable, but it's not right for me. I need to find some place that's right for me, even if it's not comfortable at first.
Maybe that's it -- maybe I'm just addicted to comfort. Maybe if I got over the idea that real life isn't comfortable, I'd feel a lot better.
I'll work on it. :)
One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.-Lucille Ball (stole this one from caitlyn -- perfect, no?)
Monday, January 14, 2008
back to the blog
Phew. Rush is over, winter term is in full gear, I'm about to start work, I've got a big project and test due this week...
yep, definately the time to procrastinate on the blog.
So the new year has started well! I've been really busy with rush, but it paid off with an absolutely beautiful new pledge class -- inside and out. They're classy, fun, passionate women.. and I'm excited to call them my sisters :).
Aaaaand I've discovered new and fantastic ways to procrastinate. Arrested Development, for example. Or "studying physics" by crashing the teacher inservice and racing Cory around the gym on scooterboards. Low friction, constantly changing velocities... amazing real life experience, right?
I've had some hot and sweaty dates with the elliptical machine, too. And rowing. And I'm happy... deeply happy. Don't know what that has to do with the rowing machine... but I am. I think my lifestyle is a lot healthier than it has been in the past. I'm trying desperately not to burn out by taking lots of time for myself. Naps, walks, hanging out with friends and Cory (we're on facebook now, you know. ... 6 and a half months later!)... I'm figuring stuff out.
And it's loverly.
Back to Wundt. What a name, what a man.. what an intimidating presentation.
:-D
yep, definately the time to procrastinate on the blog.
So the new year has started well! I've been really busy with rush, but it paid off with an absolutely beautiful new pledge class -- inside and out. They're classy, fun, passionate women.. and I'm excited to call them my sisters :).
Aaaaand I've discovered new and fantastic ways to procrastinate. Arrested Development, for example. Or "studying physics" by crashing the teacher inservice and racing Cory around the gym on scooterboards. Low friction, constantly changing velocities... amazing real life experience, right?
I've had some hot and sweaty dates with the elliptical machine, too. And rowing. And I'm happy... deeply happy. Don't know what that has to do with the rowing machine... but I am. I think my lifestyle is a lot healthier than it has been in the past. I'm trying desperately not to burn out by taking lots of time for myself. Naps, walks, hanging out with friends and Cory (we're on facebook now, you know. ... 6 and a half months later!)... I'm figuring stuff out.
And it's loverly.
Back to Wundt. What a name, what a man.. what an intimidating presentation.
:-D
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
happy new year!
so, i think i'm going to take a break from blogging for a bit and go back to journaling... maybe for a week or two. we'll see how long this lasts :)
i hope you all have a wonderful new year!! happy 2008!!
i hope you all have a wonderful new year!! happy 2008!!
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