clay and fergie

i played with clay thismorning at hope academy... we made snowmen. and the boy i worked with quickly realized that if he did something spectacular, i'd still give him a high five (his reinforcement for being patient or using good eye contact... etc) .. even if he had goopy clay hands. soooo by the end of art class, i had clay all over me. the situation made me think of the potter. and goopy high fives with God?

"Turn yourself around like a piece of clay and say to the Lord: I am clay, and you, Lord, are the Potter. Make of me what you will."
St. John of Avila

me: "alright, bud.. i have to go to class!"

boy: ::awkward side hug:: "ms. bridgette... you're..."

::pause::

me: "i'm what?"

boy: "you're... fergalicious."

he said it so lovingly. it was sweet.

job interview tomorrow to be an aba line therapist for the winter - how crazy! working with the wee ones, too... so fun :)

two papers to write, prep for open house saturday, weekend program friday night.. i think i'm going to collapse on saturday. just fall over and sleep until sunday. yep, i think thats my plan.

gnite!

beautiful things

oh, dear.

this week was absolutely wonderful. thanksgiving was fantastic.. just fantastic. it was good to be home but away from home all at once. it was nice.

hung out at furman on friday night and just had a wonderful time.. yummy italian dinner at the apartment, then out for drinks with friends. we had one of those ridiculous waitresses who talks constantly.. constantly.. and is kind of funny while doing so? twas fun ;)

went to cory's on saturday and visited papa.. who gave me a gigantic bag of partially-rotting apples to bring home for thanksgiving. found out thismorning from ryan he used to use those apples to feed the cattle. so i took the cattle-apples home and mom made apple sauce, apple cake, apple-mince pie, and apple stuffing for the turkey. and we still had half a bag of cattle apples left.

oh, cattle apples.

so saturday i went home, and got to spend some good time with my family. we went to nolan's football game and watched them absolutley destroy the other all-star team. his football card cracks me up -- size 15 shoes, 230 lbs, 5'7"... 11 years old. pretty fantastic. he's not allowed to touch the ball this year because he's such a big guy, but next year you better believe he'll be all over it. i have this secret-dream of watching him play college football... i think he'll be freakin' awesome. we shall see.

family time was good.. then my moms brother and his family and grandma came on tuesday. i never realized how ridiculously cool grandma is.. we had lunch with mom on the harbor on wednesday, and just listening to them talk about their lives was really inspiring. mom talked about getting wilderness training to work on the life flight in idaho, grandma talked about losing grandpa a few years ago.. it was a cross-generation discussion of life. pretty cool.

also pretty cool? grandma's obsession with bravo. she hurt her hip, so she's been cursing like a sailor.. and better yet, she tivo's project runway and top chef pretty much every episode. i can see a lot of similarities between us.. we played apples to apples with the cousins, and we were totally on the same wave length. pretty classic.

cory came in on wednesday night, and the extended family absolutely loved him. he went fishing with dad and uncle chris, then we met up for some fun thanksgiving-ness. it was absolutely lovely.

oooh more later. off to bake muffins. i'm in denial about being back at furman.

thanksgiving!

i swear, a haircut makes all the difference.

my hair doesn't even LOOK that different.. i juts FEEL different. it gives you that boost, you know?

thanksgiving break is already wonderful. i've gotten a lot done, which is kind of a yucky goal to have over break.. but i'd rather do everything now than when i get back to school. so i've got a few more tridelt things to do (everything is resolved with that, by the way), then a paper to write.. but i've finished a bunch of "tasks" already, so i'm destressed a bit. and the paper isn't due until the thursday after we get back, so that's nice.

went out last night with liz and cullen... we're all growing up; it's so strange. parts of me feel so at home in charleston, but the other part of me knows i'm kind of becomming my own person in greenville. like.. coming back doesn't have that snug fit it used to have. there's a part of me here that is just huge.. but there's also a big part of me that doesn't fall into any particular place. i suppose that's the part that's really "me," you know? the part that goes with me wherever i go.

i've been watching the holiday over and over. it's such a good movie.. but i don't really like cameron diaz -- her acting just seems so flat and overdone. maybe i just don't like her character.. the neurotic dumb blond thing never rang true to me. so i just kind of watch iris' story.. it seems more me anyway i guess. i love that part where jack black is writing her "melody" and he looks at her and says, "i only used the good notes." the simple things are the sweet things.

nolan has a football game tonight. 5'7" 230 lb, 11 year old nolan. enough said.

ladeda... time to get some more things done. goal is to finish all of this stuff before family gets in on tuesday night. cory comes thursday, so i definately want everything to be done by then. i'm so excited...

yay, thanksgiving. i look back to a year ago, and it's all just so different now. i *think* i spent most of last thanksgiving at home, sans appetite, about ready to curl up in a ball and die. my goal was to actually eat thanksgiving dinner... i had been so stressed that eating became an afterthought. yeah.. it's coming back to me now. thanksgiving was when i walked in on them together, then got in the car and drove straight home. home to charleston. as quickly as i could. i remember shopping with mom and her friend and them trying so hard to get some spark back in my eye.

that all seems so far away now. so much can change in a year. such good change, too... like, my life used to be in order the way i thought it needed to be.. everything looked successful, but i was so miserable. so incredibly miserable.

not to say everything is perfect now. it's not.. but i'm kind of starting from scratch and layering in everything else.. one piece at a time. i'm still figuring out some pieces... but i'm starting to think that's what life is all about. it's not the perfect end balance, it's the process. welcome to the process.

:) i'm so ready for the process.

why hello, blog.

hi, blog. i'm back.

barely.

so i hate getting on here and venting, because 90% of the time, life just isn't that bad. and life now really isn't bad, either. i'm just doing that slightly-terrifying gut check thing i tend to do every once and awhile. and gut checks make me think. and thinking makes me want to blog.

so hello, blog.

i'm really ready to go home for thanksgiving. i've been working really hard this term, which is good, of course... to some extent. i know my limits.. and i'm at them. absolutely at them. i've had that fast-beating-heart feeling all day from the anxiety of one limit in particular, and it's making me seriously rethink the things i'm devoting my time to. again.

i'm pouring my soul into rush right now... and it's good. really good. good things are coming from it... but the girl i'm working with is driving me absolutely nuts. like, i really can't do it anymore. my position requires that i work at my own pace, simply because its a ridiculous amount of stuff that i just can't do on command. i learned from fusab that i need to learn to say no once and awhile, so i tried it here. numerous times. i just never thought that the person i was saying "no" to would say "no" right back... demanding that i do the things i discerned not to do because i'm her "assistant." it's so bizarre, and its making me so incredibly mad. it's an extracurricular, for pete sake. it's supposed to be fun.

so 99% of my heart just isn't in it right now.. and that's really unfortunate, because thanksgiving is my biggest time to deal with this stuff and get ready for recruitment. i don't know.

oh, i decided this week i want to go to vanderbilt and become a speech pathologist. sweet, huh?

aaaaand i love cory. absolutely love cory. he puts up with my stress like none other.. and is the only person that can make me laugh hysterically when i'm on the verge of tears. like.. he just shows up in some ridiculous car or doing some ridiculous thing.. and he gives me that look that says "babe, stop. in the grand scheme, it's not important" and i believe him. and it really does all get better. and i've never been quite this smitten before.. quite this confident and happy. and it's not because of him.. joy doesn't come from people, it's got to come from something greater than us. but it's with him... and that's beautiful. i'm confident and happy with him in my life. and it's a rare thing that two people this different can go along together this well.

he surprised me with dinner the other night... i got back from chapter, and he was in the kitchen baking taco bowls and dicing tomatos and creating the best taco salads i've ever had. and we had a blast, just being with each other.

oh, wouldn't it be the best damn day if we all took time to breathe (oar)

yay!

we took crafty to dinner tonight, and she went on and on about showering (her new fixation, i suppose).. and then announced that she showered with boys. and she tried to order a beer from the counter. and cory is her husband. it was all very scandalous and ridiculous and confirmed why i will not let my kids watch trashy tv.

i love crafty. if i had ds, i would be crafty. she's crazy, she's funny, she loves boys and doing crafts, and she's grumpy for a solid 15 minutes a day.. then she's fine! she's fantastic, i'm telling you.

phew. okay.. i'm going to go get some more stuff done. then HOME!

:-D

i have three minutes to procrastinate. 9am, it's back to econ, baby. i just can't take much more of studying for a test i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail.

i'm in a yucky mood.

i think its just stress -- cory's going out of town and i really haven't been able to spend much "quality time" with him lately.. ugh, i hate how that sounds... and i'm kind of over my head in school stuff. i've perfectly arranged my little life so i have time for everything.. usually.. but this week.. and last week.. and the week before.. haven't quite worked out that way.

hurmph.

i think a big part is hope academy -- going every morning is tough financially and time wise, and i love it.. but its 3 hours i could be spending on homework (which is big). and my checking account is now UP to $40 (and that's exciting, if that says anything) and i have $5 worth of gas in my car.. so my net assets as far as practical day to day living goes don't really break $45. awesome.

i think i need this weekend. badly. i need it to clean and get my physical life in order.. i need time to go on a walk and sit down and figure out all of this bullshit surrounding my faith... i need time and incentive to get it together. reality will set in soon and i'll realize i don't really have much time this weekend anyway, but you know how that goes. i just need time to sit and think and take care of myself.

maybe that's it... i haven't had time to really take care of myself. i havent cooked or sang or crafted or done the things i love in awhile... and when that happens, i feel less "worth it" in general. and then i get depressed and insecure and stupid.

bridgette, stop being depressed and insecure and stupid.

mm, much better, actually.

back to macroeconomics (bah)... test is at one, so i still have 3 hours-ish to study. and i think i'm going to go without showering.. just kind of throw on some clothes and my running shoes and go for a walk afterwards or something. de-stress a bit. think a bit.

i read my facebook profile and realized how few of my "interests" i actually puruse anymore. so today ... after econ ... is me day. no tridelt stuff, no homework. i'll do that stuff tomorrow. today is for me and possibly Jesus, depending on how that all goes.

awesome. i'm 4 minutes over my 3 minute max.

so glad its friday.

the maker. dave matthews band

Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night
I stand with arms wide open
I've run a twisted line
I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker
I could not see for the fog in my eyes
I could not feel for the fear in my life

From across the great divide, In the distance I saw a light
Of Jean Baptiste's he's walking to me with the Maker
My body my body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep
I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away
I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker

Brother John, have you seen the homeless daughters
Standing there with broken wings
I have seen the flaming swords
There over east of eden
Burning in the eyes of the Maker

Oh, river rise from your sleep

musta shoulda woulda

i had to lead the class discussion about marriage on friday. me. marriage. aaah. but it went really well and it made me think about realtionships because the people who wrote the book we're studying (Beecher and Beecher... "Beyond Success and Failure") have a very strange viewpoint about them.

The Beechers think of marriage as economical.. two people who decide to commit to making it through the long haul together by each fulfilling their separate roles creatively and devotedly. they see romance as an illusion that sends the wrong message -- relationshisp aren't about feeling good. so when young couples get married based on the warm fuzzy feelings and the sex, they quickly get disappointed when faced with bills and grocery store visits and such. my professor always says to go by the 80/20 rule.. 80% of life is going to be crap... 20% will actually be the good stuff. they get discouraged about the 80%, or they have no sense of independence and therefore lose themselves in the romance... and they quit.

my professor has a lot to say about relationships. good stuff. first of all.. never say "you always... such and such" or "you make me... such and such"... because they don't always, and no one can make you do anything. she don't always get defensive or use that tone. he doesn't make you mad.. he inspires that emotion in you. and our emotions reflect a lot about how we think.

anger: entitlement. we're entitled to something we aren't getting, and it pisses us off. and that's silly.. because in the grand scheme of things, are we really entitled to the things we want?

depression: retreat. we can't do it anymore, it's hopeless, it's time to quit. depression can actually save us from destroying ourselves. depression can be healthy

shame: we violated a social norm. which beggs the question.. is the social norm rational?

Dr. Ellis was kind of an ass... he made people mad and insulted them to get his point accross in therapy. and he was vulgar.. but smart. he coined the phrases "you're should-ing all over yourself" and "quit must-erbating." both phrases are offensive... but then again, so are the actions they're describing.

so somewhere in ellis and the beechers and my theological background, i found some stuff i like... some stuff that makes sense, as far as relationships go.

romance is the fruit of irrational love... and while irrational love is clearly not as ideal as perfect, rational, heaven-directed love, it's a refleciton of our imperfection. and flowers to guys are dead plants... i get that. but to me, they're gorgeous reflections of God's beauty and creation. so they're not pointless, as Beecher and Beecher would claim. romance and rose petals and star-gazing and cuddling and cold noses and goofy dancing.. those are all practical ways to impractically love. take that, beecher squared.

but it's important not to get lost in the romance.. something deeper has to be there. sometimes romance is a fruit of that deepness, sometimes its a way to try to force it. the first way is amazing, the second is no good. the really dangerous side is the secular tendency for guys to "use" the romance to get some. getting some isn't love. not at all. love is not getting some.. its the self-denial that says "i love her more than that, and i can hold off until she's ready"... it's being a trooper about it and finding better ways to love in the meantime.

i don't know.. i'm the type of person where staying up all night talking about God or faith or fears or dreams is so much more romantic than anything else. maybe i'm silly. the Beechers would think i'm a goob, i'm sure. i think i'm okay with that.

the thing is... i've always been taught that those conversations should flow naturally. what a lie.. like any part of a relationship -- even with faith as the cornerstone, it's going to take work. more importantly, time.. trust. trust takes time. a lot of time. especially when you've been burnt before.

i have a lot of trouble trusting. it's probably my biggest flaw.

so that's my opinion.... that's what beecher and beecher lack. they get so caught up in being independent that they leave no room for vulnerability. emotional vulnerability comes first... and when that is secured and trust blooms, marriage fosters sexual vulnerability. but that last part is dangerous.. because it's everything you have. so you commit to it. you commit to giving everything you have.

oh my gosh so beautiful... so much more beautiful than beecher squared's lame-and-practical passionless description of love. lots more room for hurt and pain and craziness, but that's good. it's a lot more practical than trying to be practical.

just thought i'd share.

finally.. a bloggable thought.

yes, i have time to think again. even if it takes a car ride to do so.

so i had a thought.. and it was a Big Thought. and as Big Thoughts often go, it was preceded by a little comment. a harmless comment, really... neutral and matter-of-fact. funny how the little things can spurn the big things..

so this counseling class i'm taking is rocking my world. it's making me think of things differently... really differently. kind of backwards, if you will... because it's forcing me to think through the eyes of a rational human being. and i'm evaluating God and faith and Truth through the eyes of a rational human being. and i understand that looking at an omnipotent God through the eyes of a mortal human is kind of silly.. i'm not going to get the whole picture. but it's different. and my world is changing because of it.

here is the comment: "you're a little liberal." and it's not that i disagree.. the more i thought about it, the more i agreed. it's just... i've never described myself that way. never. and it got me to thinking about how i describe myself and what i really do. my counseling professor always says to listen to the words but look at the feet. people describe themselves one way, but their actions are often radically different.

i've described myself for so long in a way i couldn't argue with.. sweet and proper, good student, avid volunteer, family girl, devoted to my friends and God.. confident, pure, fun, extraverted, goofy.

but on the car ride home tonight i realized that my life.. my constatly-changing, ever-moving wonderful life.. isn't the life of that girl. and it's not a bad thing.. not at all. i've just spent so much time growing and changing that i never thought to look at where i've been and where i am now. and who i am now.

sweet? sometimes. unless i'm grouchy or frustrated, at which point i'm just quiet. and i have a malicious side that i despise... i hate when it comes out, but sometimes it does. and i put on that fake face we all hate and i act sweet when i really want to scream. and that's okay :). so maybe i'm sweet on the outside, but not nearly as much on the inside. i love... i've realized how much my heart is driven by the quest to find true love... but love isn't sweet.

proper? hardly. i try to be modest, but sometimes i'm just not.. and i swear and i drink and i like kissing far too much to be truly proper. and that gets into purity, where i don't even want to go right now. my heart is so impure.. but purity so much reflects the strength of our relationship with the world compared to the strength of our relationship with God. and my relationship with God sucks right now because i'm ashamed of parts of my life i've never dealt with before. high school and CCD and the little problems we had way back then didn't prepare me for this. and that's okay... but now i'm dealing with it. improperly. by running away. and it's about two steps away from kicking me in the butt. but i have some thinking to do before i stop running. i want to change before i change if that makes any sense.

i'm a "b" student. i'm smart, but i'm no genious. and i'm totally okay with that... i like to think and philosophize much more than studying facts. deep conversations mean far more to me than any other experience with someone else. and that means i'm not going to be top of the class or get into insanely amazing grad programs becuase those programs want people who will sell their souls. and mine isn't for sale, thank you.

i'm confident sometimes. but i used to be terrified of being lonely, and i know it. and that makes it worse.. because i over think my friendships and wonder sometimes if i'm in them because i don't want to be alone. which is silly... i need "me time" and i find it... something i never used to do for myself. i've called myself extraverted for so long.. but i'm not. being alone doesn't scare me so much anymore.. neither does being lonely. but getting to the point where i depend on friendships for validation scares the pants off of me. so i close my heart and push people -- amazing, incredible, important people -- away. or i let people near but i don't give them the best of me. i tried that once, and it blew up in my face... and because i've never experienced pain like that before and i'd never like to do it again, i take friendships and relationships reaaaaaaaaaally slow.

oof. something there doesn't match up. did i mention i'm full of contradictions?

so there's a point to all of this, i promise. i realized i have a choice: i can either work on changing to fit how i describe myself, or i can accept how i've changed as "better" and go with it. or i can find a mix between the two, which is the obvious answer. but that's kind of scary to think about -- i'm not the person i thought i was. and that's okay.

that girl wasn't passion-filled and ridiculous. she didn't dance on parking garages or journal every night or ride with her feet out the window of a pickup truck. she couldn't fall in love, she couldn't experience pain or joy.. just the fuzzy stuff in between. she needed society to pat her on the head and say "hey, you're successful!" and she didn't put her heart on the line. if i was every ounce of how i used to describe myself, i don't know that i would be alive.

i certainly wouldn't be this joyful. now if only i could get this joy on the same page with my faith...

hey, i'm working on it.