parents

"I want to thank my parents for raising me with confidence disproportionate to my looks and abilities. Well done; that is what parents should do."

- Tina Fay

family, family, family

This weekend was awesome. I'm sad it's over.

I'm feeling good about this week, too. I'm still completely overwhelmed with life, but I don't have quite the crazy week I had last week. I say that now... I do have a lot to do... but I've given up the idea that I will have any time for fun during the week, and I've given up the idea that I will get any work done on the weekends.

So that's exciting.

Really, though.. I work from early in the morning until late at night.. I've gotten much better about going to the library, so I really do get things done. And weekends are pretty much Spearhead, church, escaping to Greer, etc.

This weekend was wonderful.

My grad school mini-interview on Thursday went great (and scary. i loved it. so now i want it. big time), but I was zonked by the time I got back to Furman. Friday night was very chill... went out for drinks with Cory and his older brother and sister-in-law and their sweet new baby, then grilled out with Cory (just the two of us... which we never do... it was so nice!), then out with his younger brother and some friends. Nice Greer night.. nice break from Furman..

Saturday the family came in town, so we went to the Tri Delt tailgate and football game, then out to dinner in Greer with Al and Cory. I just absolutely love my family... they're all growing up, so talking to my parents about the boys never gets old. And Nolan is insanely huge.. size 16W shoes, and he's still 12. I forget that he's 12 until I hear him say some obnoxious joke with no punch line or listen to his little brother bantering. Al gets it. She has done the little brother thing. So hanging out with her while Nolan's doing his 12-year-old thing is nice. We wait for his punch lines together.

My parents liked Greer a lot. Mom kept commenting on Cory's cute laugh, and dad kept commenting on Greer's clean sidewalks. It was funny walking into the restaurant where Cory and I had our first "date" to see him sitting at a table with Mom, Dad, Nolan.. I realized that he doesn't just fit in with our family, he adds another sparkle to it. It's... nice.

Today, I had breakfast with the family and talked about my 'life plans'... which was wonderful. I realized that my parents really trust me to make decisions about my life, which seems to be rare amongst my peers. They ask what I'm doing, and then offer little suggestions to help me meet my goal. And they do the whole "you can do anything" spiel that parents tend to excell at doing. It was a wonderful, encouraging breakfast.

Afterwards, I headed back to Greer (three days in a row.. gas prices stink) to go to sweet baby George's baptism :) The whole ceremony was absolutley beautiful. There's something to be said for a good ole small town church... the sermon was tailored to raising children, and the whole homily was absolutely beautiful. i didn't walk away feeling guilty; I walked away feeling inspired. The sense of community was overpoweringly beautiful... love everywhere.

The family festivities continued with a little family dinner with my tri delt girls... I'm the "matriarch" of the family, so it's nice to get us all together and really spend some time with the girls before I go. They are absolutely fantastic -- Martha Lane is spunky and mischevious and hilarious and classy, and Katie is sweet and goofy and genuine and inspiring. They're both such strong, beautiful women.. I'm so excited for our Sunday family dinners all term :) We're going to make aprons, and grandma is going to teach the chillins how to cook. Rock on.

So yes, I'm ready for this insane week and inspired by an encouraging weekend. My goal is to just work hard.. 8am to midnight.. work, working out, school, little breaks here and there.. and keep weekends fun. Everything will get done eventually, right?

Right :)

another reason to smile...

I got back exhausted tonight. After my last post, I booked it until class, then rushed to work, prepped for my interview while nannying, rushed to class, then buckled down for hours and hours in the library finishing off my grad school stuff for the night.

After gashing open my heel, lugging another stack of thesis books back to my car, and realizing I had picked all of the cookie dough pieces out of my frozen yogurt, I was dreading checking my email.

However.

I was pleasantly surprised to find a very quick, positive response to an e-mail I sent out an hour ago about another grad program... promising another more thorough response, but saying he wanted to write back quickly because I seemed to be just what the program was looking for.

:)

This process is insane. BUT... I am done with my first round of e-mails. I am on schedule. And the whole researching professors thing is actually kind of thrilling (I'm a nerd. I want to keep going to school forever.) And God is kind enough to offer me occasional, undeserved, positive reinforcement.

After a hard day's work, it's nice to be reminded that it will all be worth it.

Thanks, Dude.

breathe :)

Mmm.. rain. I'm glad it's raining. Specifically on a Tuesday. Tuesdays are good rain days... I don't have class until 1, so I can spend the morning doing my little yoga thing and working and thinking and enjoying hanging out in my pajamas.

I'm in a bit of a strange place right now... this next month is jam packed with life decisions, intense scholastic commitments, and full-fledged stress. I am scheduled to take the GRE on October 14th, which is scary. By that week, I also need to have a good start (if not a full draft) of two different psychology proposals (very long, very intense research), a final list of graduate programs... and in the meantime, I am balancing my four intense classes, the very time-intensive nannying gig, a site placement at the Washington center, and lots and lots of thesis research.

The mile-long to do list kind of caught up with me yesterday. I had a wonderful meeting with one of my favorite professor mentors, and she suggested I continue to consider clinical doctorate programs... which tends to be the advice of almost every professional I talk to. While she didn't say it straight out, I get the feeling that she and the Vanderbilt crew and my other professors think I might be selling myself short -- that I might be afraid of getting rejected by clinical programs, so I'm not pursuing them with the gusto that I once was. They think I can do it.. they think I can beat the odds and wiggle my way in.

So why don't I?

I don't think I am afraid of rejection... I've handled it just fine in the past. I do fear committing to 7-9 more years of school, no matter how much I love what I'm doing. And I hate not knowing how the rest of my life if going to unroll in the meantime. If I'm afraid of anything in the process, I think I fear regret. I don't want to regret not applying to enough programs, restricting myself to the south, going for the top programs...

Thirty years from now, will I regret not going for it?

Now that I have my little list of programs, I'm starting to wonder if I should keep going. I have four clinical programs and six school psychology programs -- all (but one) in the southeast. I could apply to a few northern schools -- I really wouldn't mind living in a big city with huge participant pools and exciting cultural districts and night life. At least applying would keep the option open for another few months, right?

Applications due December 1st. Acceptance letters in April. Big gap there.

So last night, I had a bit of a gut check. I was so overwhelmed with these decisions -- the impact the next month will have on the rest of my life, etc. I realized, though... if I don't approach this month with the same attitudes that I hope to approach the rest of my life with, I won't have a clear head. I won't be making decisions the way I know I need to.

I just need to smile, carpe the diem, and go with it. Discern, seek counsel, and get excited... I've worked hard to prepare myself for this process. I just have to trust that I will go where I need to go, and everything else will fall into place.

And enjoy it. Life is too precious to worry, right? That's one of my biggest flaws -- sometimes I get so focused on goals that I forget to cherish the path that gets me there. It's like climbing a big mountain... you reach the top, and the only place to really look is down... you look at where you came from, how you arrived. I don't want to get to April and look back upon stress and moodiness and tears. I want to look back on wine nights with roommates, nailing my senior thesis, goofy dancing with my campers, laughing with Cory...

So the new goal: go with it, keep doing my thing, laugh, breathe.

:) I love rain.

perfection.

I packed a cooler and a change of clothes
Let's jump in, see how far it goes
You got my heart in your daddy's boat
We've got all night to make it float

We could sit on the shore
We could just be friends
Or we could jump in

The whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop it spinning
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to

We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to

I got your ring around my neck
and a couple of nights I don't regret
You've got a dream of a degree and a shirt that smells like me

Yeah we both got dreams
we could chase alone
or we could make our own

The whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop it spinning
We could think it through
But I don't want to if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
with nothing to lose
But I don't want to if you don't want to

Never waste another day wonderin' what you threw away
Holding me, holding you
I don't want to, if you don't want to

We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to

But I want to
But I want you



want to . sugarland

aka my life

bowling alleys, birthdays, cake

So... it's been awhile. Namely because life has been super crazy. Not the "inspired crazy," either. Just a lot of this and that... it's gotten better, but I have to stop this business-without-purpose deal. Or I will go insane.

I was finally almost caught up in my work on Thursday, and then it all went down hill again. There's just so much to do, all of the time. Lots of tests and reading and quizzes and homework. More than I'm used to.

This weekend was nice, though. I got absolutely no work done, but I'm okay with that. I'll work today. Friday was cleaning and then a cake-baking-extravaganza with Amanda and KJ... we had to make two cakes, and they had to be "birthday appropriate"... so it was quite an ordeal. Funfetti and Tieramisu became Rumfetti and Kahluamisu. They were wonderful.

Saturday was our first weekend program of the year... and it was fantastic. I drove one of the mini-busses (terrifying, right?) and had a fantastic group of the teenage girls... very, very boy crazy bus. I let one of the girls hold my clipboard, and she and her friend both crossed out their last names and changed them to show their intense relationships with their favorite boy counselors. :)

Ragamuffin was in my group, too... which was lovely. I enjoyed spending time with her... but she runs a lot, so it can get very exhausting. The thing is... she doesn't run to be rebellious; she runs when she's bored. I really think it all links to a sensory issue, but that's just me. Sometimes, she's fine to sit by herself. Other times, you drop her hand for a second and she takes off.

Which brings me to my first ever behind-the-scenes bowling alley experience.

So I drop Ragamuffin's hand to ask another counselor a question, and she bolts. Straight across all of the people bowling, to the end of the row, then hauls left and goes sprinting down the tiny pathway between the last lane and the wall (so she's running towards the pins), through this little curtain I wouldn't have even known existed, and into the whirley machinery area.

So I chase her.

I get behind the curtain and see pins whirling everywhere and hear the balls crashing and so on and so forth... and ragamuffin is headed for a door on the other end of the alley. I got to her before she got out (or dove through the enticing circular whirley pin things), but not before having many terrifying mental images of her jumping through a hoop and running down an alley.

Another dull day with Ragamuffin :)

Getting back to camp was nice, though... I missed being there so much this summer. I know Nashville was where I needed to be -- I discerned my life and made connections, and I wouldn't trade that experience for the world -- but a big part of my heart and my discernment always tends to revolve around my campers. They inspire me.

The birthday bash was fun. We went to Barley's (ran into some of Cory's students who looked terrified-as-always to see their teacher out on the town... love it) and ate yummy pizza, then we all came back to the apartment and celebrated with the cakes and such. Lots and lots of people, but I think everyone had some fun.

I struggle with big groups. For some reason, I have trouble being myself. I end up either really hyper (aka last night) or really flat line, which is annoying. I think I just get overwhelmed.

But everything was still really fun. And today, I shall get work done. Lots of work done. Like maybe register for the GRE and get the rest of my grad school e-mails out. I've been waiting to meet with one of my professors to figure out what schools I really want to pursue, so hopefully after tomorrow, I'll have a better sense of where I'm going with life. We'll see.

:)

cookies, beliefs, interviews...

Life is good.

Far cry from past posts, I know. But things are actually going well right now -- I'm adjusting to classes, finding time to get some studying in.. still haven't managed to not sleep through my "wake up and work out" alarm at 7:45am... but other than that, I'm doing okay.

I got a very, very exciting e-mail today. I actually started dancing around the kitchen screaming and singing when I read it (sorry, Al, for cutting your nap short..). One of the top professors I want to work with in grad school e-mailed me back about a contact e-mail I had made... and she wants me to come to Columbia to meet with her. About the program at USC. Next Thursday.

Somebody is actually studying autism in South Carolina. Praise the Lord.

I'm so excited.

Even better -- she knows the professors I worked with in Nashville very well... she's even working on an upcoming study with one of them. A research match? In state? In a great program? And a potential mentor who actually responds to e-mails? Who wants to meet with me?

I had to re-write my response four times to keep from sounding too enthusiastic.

AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

:)

Nanny-life is going well, too. I'm adjusting to life from the perspective of a spunky eight-year-old. We discuss the difference between a "boyfriend" and a "boy-space-friend," whether or not girls should toot, the logistics of how to score a pretend-olympic-dive in an imaginary game of pool olympics... and today, I learned why Diet Coke is Evil.

You see.. the girl is adorable, but slightly neurotic. Terrified of down escalators, always thinks she's getting sick, thinks canned peaches are healthier than fresh because the pesticides have been thoroughly washed off... etc.

So Diet Coke, according to Little Mama, is evil because... "Splenda stuff is in it. And the Splenda stuff goes through your blood and fills up your kidney. So nothing can go through your kidney so it just keeps getting bigger and bigger until it explodes...

(and in comes the conspiracy theory:) "And you can't get anyone else's kidney because theirs are all about to explode, too. So then you all die."

Right.

So no Diet Coke for Little Mama.

She came over today to bake some cookies with me (I'm learning that I cannot devote 12 hours a week to being a nanny without doing some multitasking.. so we've started running more errands together and doing more things that I would usually do at other parts of the day), and I had told her that my roomies would be around. So when she walked in and saw Matt, she got very confused as to why a Strange Man was in my apartment.

But we baked cookies and had a jolly ole time with Matt and Jessie... and LM just thought the whole "four best girl friends living together" sounded like a huge slumber party.. she asked if she could come spend the night. When we told her she could jump on the beds, a look of enchantment flashed across her eyes.

"REALLY??!!!"

And we listened to a Pandora station made out of Hannah Montana music. Who would have thought Pandora would have the Jonas Brothers?

So Little Mama and I are tight. She still doesn't know I'm dating her PE teacher (I had to do some picture-hiding before she saw my room), which keeps the whole thing very interesting. She can't figure out why Mr. T keeps teasing her nanny in the car rider line.

Oh, the life of a soccermomcollegestudent...

Classes are good. Except... I still have Brewer anxiety. He's the hardest professor at Furman, but I've had his class four times, so you'd think I'd be used to him. But no...

"KELLEHER. When I say "INSIGHT", you IMMEDIATELY think of WHAT?"

(no, seriously. that actually happened.)

To which I fish around in my head for 20 uncomfortable seconds for what aspect of insight relates to whatever learning topic we're discussing... and either stumble out an answer or respond with one of Brewer's infamous Brewerisms...

"Alas and alack, retention is not 100%"

(I actually got the insight question right... he was looking for Wolfgang Kohler, who dangled a banana outside of Sultan-the-ape's cage and observed whether the ape assembled a contraption to reach the banana using trial or error or actual instinct...)

Sometimes the game gets even more specific.

"When I say "COGNITION", you immediately think of the right hand column on page 63 of your General Psychology textbook, where WHAT TERM is outlined by Meyers?"

(unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating. Note: I took General Psych 3 years ago.)

I hate the "When I say" game. It's embarassing and discouraging. So I'm going to cheat and make flashcards and quiz myself on surface details of every learning theorist I can think of... and then I won't get Brewer anxiety every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. (which is probably what Brewer wants us to do anyway.)

Hooray.

I got my placement for my masters ed class, too (I'm hoping it will transfer, even though I'm just taking it as an elective now)... I am going to be working with a PE teacher (irony, no?) at the Washington Center... which is so exciting!! A TON of my camper friends go there, so I'll be getting course credit for hanging out with them! So my ed class for students with exceptionalities is awesome. Very applicable to my life.

Anthropology is going to be interesting... aside from the ridiculous amount of reading being incredibly overwhelming... the content is pretty mind-stretching. Lots of discussion of how Christian beliefs fail to replicate in other cultures, which always gets me thinking. I'm excited to have one last healthy does of college-campus-agnosticism before I leave Furman. It's always challenging to maintain faith while still having an open mind... but my heart thrives in those sorts of environments. I like the egotistical "I hate organized religion" professors. I find them enlightening... not necessarily convincing, but enlightening.

Okay, study break over. Back to reading.

Toss up prayers about the USC visit :)

wish you were here . pink floyd

I like that this song can be read two ways. I like it a lot.
Posting soon, I promise. Catching up on life first.


So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

friendship, "-est"s, thanks

Instead of reading the 150 pages on Hasidic Judaism I am supposed to have read by 1pm tomorrow, I am going to blog.

This new semester system is already really rough; I have a ridiculous amount of homework because professors are trying to make up for their lost class time. They forget that we now have four classes, not three. And some of us have Real World Life to plan for. You know, grad school and such.

I've been in a funk these last few days about Furman life. I couldn't quite put my finger on the problem.. and I still don't have it all figured out. But I'm getting closer.

It's just... this summer was wonderful. I loved Nashville. I loved studying and reading and exploring and dancing. I loved getting to know people who had absolutely no incentive to be friends with me. I had nothing to offer them but myself -- and they took it. Very few people at Furman give people the time of day enough to actually appreciate others for who they are. I was very blessed this summer to find some very special people who did.

Furman is comprised of "-est"s. To get the attention of others, you must be the loudest, the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest, the dramatic-est... you get the picture. I've realized, though, that the real world isn't full of "-est"s. The world is filled with diverse people who find individuality in their own special proportion of personality. The real world is much more beautiful than "-est"s.

It's like baking a cake -- the yummiest cake doesn't have the most flour or the most baking soda or the even the most sugar -- that would be disgusting. A yummy cake has the appropriate balance of those things -- that's what makes it beautiful.

I've stopped wanting to be an -est. I want to find a recipe, if you will. The right proportion of life that makes me... yummy.

The problem is... I'm realizing that people here aren't too receptive to self-awareness-seekers trying to get in touch with their inner "yummy." I don't have any life drama to offer, any crazy perspectives on anything... I have my opinions and my beliefs, but I don't wear them on my sleeve anymore. I used to not respect people who were private about their belifs - I saw them as weak.

In the words of Brewer, I now realize that I was "wrong, wrong, wrong."

So that's where I am... trying to maintain sanity amidst the competitive, type-a madness that is my current home. My family and Cory and the few precious friends who aren't caught up in this mess only intensify my longing to be out of here -- they constantly show me the virtues that make me want to be less of an "est" and more of a person.

Take dad, for example. The champ has been fielding my calls about computer viruses destroying hard drives and evil hackers counterfeiting my debit card... all while dealing with incredible amounts of work responsibility, Pat getting his first apartment, Eric's madness, Nolan's outgrowing all of his football equipment, and an impeding hurricane (which intensifies work stress)... and whatever else. But he never makes me feel like a burden, never hints that my requests / SOS calls wear on him. He always makes me smile -- and rarely by cracking a joke. I just realize how beautiful and unselfless his love for our family truly is... not because any of us are the best at anything... more just because he loves us. It's not emotional or overstated... it just is. He's a superhero. And it makes me smile.

Cory's the same way. Whether my car is up in flames or I'm stressed about dumb furman drama, he treats everything I say and feel with respect and love. He doesn't tell me what to do, he just does his thing. And I find "his thing" so beautiful that I can't help but try to do it, too. He inspires me to love the good in people and try my best to ignore the bad. He just has this way of loving everyone -- even people I can't stand -- that is absolutely his own. I could not be more blessed than to be one of the lucky recipients of his love.

Oh, the men of my life :) They teach me so much..

So on a sad note, I'm disillusioned and grumpy. On a happy note, I'm realizing a lot of my disillusionment comes from the high caliber of relationships in other areas of my life. Which I would be crazy to not be immensely thankful for.

So I'm thankful. Thank you, Furman, for making me thankful.

Back to ultra-orthodox Judaism...

tractors, palin, being robbed

Interesting few days, no?

First things first: I got to Cory's yesterday, finally had the chance to use internet that worked, and promptly discovered that someone has been charging my debit card with ridiculous amounts of money from gas stations in Texas.

Awesome.

Apparently, some evil people have figured out how to recreate debit cards, because whoever has used mine actually scanned a physical card... meaning mine got swiped into some sort of counterfeit card mechanism. After a virus destroyed my hard drive and someone counterfeited my debit card within a week, I'm struggling to find goodness in humanity.

The good news is the rest of the weekend was wonderful. Lots of time with different groups of friends, lots of late nights filled with fun and adventure, and my first ever Dacusville Farm Days.

The tractor show was fantastic; Cory and I chugged around on his grandfather's beautiful JD1010... Cory drove, while I stood on the trailer hitch. We walked around and looked at the different displays, did some quality people watching, and devoured some homemade peach ice cream with his grandfather. Lots of jorts, lots of tractors, lots of antiquey-collections of stuff... even a pink tractor! My favorite part were the countless tractors with furniture strapped to the back so the owners could tote around their wives and families... quite entertaining.

Speaking of wives and families... Palin. Whoa, nelly.

I usually don't talk politics, so excuse me while I delve into a few opinions. Nothing heavy, just a few casual observations.

First of all, I have to talk myself out of loving her just for having a baby with Downes... so adorable. If she and McCain win, the White House will have an adorable toddler with DS waddling around the grounds.

Second, I like that her daughter is having this baby. Yes, it's controversial. Yes, she's way too young. But we so rarely have a chance to actually test politicians on what they profess. Palin is pro-life. Her family is pro-life. They will be criticized for it, and that's what makes it beautiful.

I like her as a person. I just don't know how to feel about her as a politician. She and McCain don't agree on some policies, and she doesn't have a voting record on many others. She doesn't think we are causing global warming, which I worry about.. namely because we need strong environmentally-friendly policy makers. She is also very busy; I mean, five kids (including a baby with a developmental disability) is a lot to handle... let alone balancing the weight of the world (literally). And she most certainly does not have the experience to be Commander in Chief if McCain keels.

Then again, neither does Obama.

I don't know.. I feel like the policies of this election are getting trampled by the personal lives of the politicians. Maybe that's normal, but I'm a bit discouraged. Lots of personality appeal, very little appeal to logic.

::sigh::

So now I'm off to work on grad school and homework. I'm excited -- a few of the schools I'm looking into have hired new faculty, which is helping open a few new doors. The process is still very overwhelming. And I'm working through my senior thesis right now, too... daunting.

So happy Labor Day, everyone! And watch out for those debit cards...