breathe :)

Mmm.. rain. I'm glad it's raining. Specifically on a Tuesday. Tuesdays are good rain days... I don't have class until 1, so I can spend the morning doing my little yoga thing and working and thinking and enjoying hanging out in my pajamas.

I'm in a bit of a strange place right now... this next month is jam packed with life decisions, intense scholastic commitments, and full-fledged stress. I am scheduled to take the GRE on October 14th, which is scary. By that week, I also need to have a good start (if not a full draft) of two different psychology proposals (very long, very intense research), a final list of graduate programs... and in the meantime, I am balancing my four intense classes, the very time-intensive nannying gig, a site placement at the Washington center, and lots and lots of thesis research.

The mile-long to do list kind of caught up with me yesterday. I had a wonderful meeting with one of my favorite professor mentors, and she suggested I continue to consider clinical doctorate programs... which tends to be the advice of almost every professional I talk to. While she didn't say it straight out, I get the feeling that she and the Vanderbilt crew and my other professors think I might be selling myself short -- that I might be afraid of getting rejected by clinical programs, so I'm not pursuing them with the gusto that I once was. They think I can do it.. they think I can beat the odds and wiggle my way in.

So why don't I?

I don't think I am afraid of rejection... I've handled it just fine in the past. I do fear committing to 7-9 more years of school, no matter how much I love what I'm doing. And I hate not knowing how the rest of my life if going to unroll in the meantime. If I'm afraid of anything in the process, I think I fear regret. I don't want to regret not applying to enough programs, restricting myself to the south, going for the top programs...

Thirty years from now, will I regret not going for it?

Now that I have my little list of programs, I'm starting to wonder if I should keep going. I have four clinical programs and six school psychology programs -- all (but one) in the southeast. I could apply to a few northern schools -- I really wouldn't mind living in a big city with huge participant pools and exciting cultural districts and night life. At least applying would keep the option open for another few months, right?

Applications due December 1st. Acceptance letters in April. Big gap there.

So last night, I had a bit of a gut check. I was so overwhelmed with these decisions -- the impact the next month will have on the rest of my life, etc. I realized, though... if I don't approach this month with the same attitudes that I hope to approach the rest of my life with, I won't have a clear head. I won't be making decisions the way I know I need to.

I just need to smile, carpe the diem, and go with it. Discern, seek counsel, and get excited... I've worked hard to prepare myself for this process. I just have to trust that I will go where I need to go, and everything else will fall into place.

And enjoy it. Life is too precious to worry, right? That's one of my biggest flaws -- sometimes I get so focused on goals that I forget to cherish the path that gets me there. It's like climbing a big mountain... you reach the top, and the only place to really look is down... you look at where you came from, how you arrived. I don't want to get to April and look back upon stress and moodiness and tears. I want to look back on wine nights with roommates, nailing my senior thesis, goofy dancing with my campers, laughing with Cory...

So the new goal: go with it, keep doing my thing, laugh, breathe.

:) I love rain.