friendship, "-est"s, thanks

Instead of reading the 150 pages on Hasidic Judaism I am supposed to have read by 1pm tomorrow, I am going to blog.

This new semester system is already really rough; I have a ridiculous amount of homework because professors are trying to make up for their lost class time. They forget that we now have four classes, not three. And some of us have Real World Life to plan for. You know, grad school and such.

I've been in a funk these last few days about Furman life. I couldn't quite put my finger on the problem.. and I still don't have it all figured out. But I'm getting closer.

It's just... this summer was wonderful. I loved Nashville. I loved studying and reading and exploring and dancing. I loved getting to know people who had absolutely no incentive to be friends with me. I had nothing to offer them but myself -- and they took it. Very few people at Furman give people the time of day enough to actually appreciate others for who they are. I was very blessed this summer to find some very special people who did.

Furman is comprised of "-est"s. To get the attention of others, you must be the loudest, the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest, the dramatic-est... you get the picture. I've realized, though, that the real world isn't full of "-est"s. The world is filled with diverse people who find individuality in their own special proportion of personality. The real world is much more beautiful than "-est"s.

It's like baking a cake -- the yummiest cake doesn't have the most flour or the most baking soda or the even the most sugar -- that would be disgusting. A yummy cake has the appropriate balance of those things -- that's what makes it beautiful.

I've stopped wanting to be an -est. I want to find a recipe, if you will. The right proportion of life that makes me... yummy.

The problem is... I'm realizing that people here aren't too receptive to self-awareness-seekers trying to get in touch with their inner "yummy." I don't have any life drama to offer, any crazy perspectives on anything... I have my opinions and my beliefs, but I don't wear them on my sleeve anymore. I used to not respect people who were private about their belifs - I saw them as weak.

In the words of Brewer, I now realize that I was "wrong, wrong, wrong."

So that's where I am... trying to maintain sanity amidst the competitive, type-a madness that is my current home. My family and Cory and the few precious friends who aren't caught up in this mess only intensify my longing to be out of here -- they constantly show me the virtues that make me want to be less of an "est" and more of a person.

Take dad, for example. The champ has been fielding my calls about computer viruses destroying hard drives and evil hackers counterfeiting my debit card... all while dealing with incredible amounts of work responsibility, Pat getting his first apartment, Eric's madness, Nolan's outgrowing all of his football equipment, and an impeding hurricane (which intensifies work stress)... and whatever else. But he never makes me feel like a burden, never hints that my requests / SOS calls wear on him. He always makes me smile -- and rarely by cracking a joke. I just realize how beautiful and unselfless his love for our family truly is... not because any of us are the best at anything... more just because he loves us. It's not emotional or overstated... it just is. He's a superhero. And it makes me smile.

Cory's the same way. Whether my car is up in flames or I'm stressed about dumb furman drama, he treats everything I say and feel with respect and love. He doesn't tell me what to do, he just does his thing. And I find "his thing" so beautiful that I can't help but try to do it, too. He inspires me to love the good in people and try my best to ignore the bad. He just has this way of loving everyone -- even people I can't stand -- that is absolutely his own. I could not be more blessed than to be one of the lucky recipients of his love.

Oh, the men of my life :) They teach me so much..

So on a sad note, I'm disillusioned and grumpy. On a happy note, I'm realizing a lot of my disillusionment comes from the high caliber of relationships in other areas of my life. Which I would be crazy to not be immensely thankful for.

So I'm thankful. Thank you, Furman, for making me thankful.

Back to ultra-orthodox Judaism...