too many little somethings

so here's the problem with over-compartmentalizing my life...

sometimes, all the compartments fill up.

i'm a little overwhelmed -- not significantly, just a little. it just seems like there's something big going on in each of the little parts of my life, if that makes any sense. not bad things.. just things. and things add up.

i went to the SCAS conference in columbia yesterday with my autism seminar class.. and this woman there kept asking the keynote speaker questions about her son in this giant room of people.. and there was something in her voice that lingered on desparation. she needed someone to tell her she was doing things right, that she was a good mom, that everything would work out. granted, it came out in an overdramatized spiel about the school system's inability to do things her way, but we got the point.

moral of the story -- i don't want to unload anymore. i'm an unloader -- it's my personality. i'm a supressed neurotic; that's what we do. we hold everything in, then we let it out in an uncontrolable fit of rage. it's very.... elementary school. my professor says its the remnants of pitching fits when we didn't get our way in childhood. then again, he's adlerian.

still, though.. he has a good point. it's stupid to express frustration that way.

good news? i'm not really frustrated about anything right now. but being overwhelmed quickly leads to frustration, so i'm on the lookout for it... so i can kick it in the ass. whatever "it" may be.

bah. psychobabble.

so anyway, the conference was good. i learned a lot, got to rule out some more things that i don't want to do with my life (i.e. the financial side of autism awareness.. its brutal), and got a new tacky autism awareness bumper magnet thing.

yeaaaaaaaaah, tacky!

aaand i got to spend a lot of times in the car with my crazy classmates... 5:50 am departure + hanson and free willy music + three crazy guys... is fantastic. it was a lot of fun.

volunteering stuff is going really well.. they put me in a different classroom on thursday, so i didn't work with todd... i really missed him... but i did get to work with two four-year-olds. one was a little boy with a pretty severe case of ASD... but he sat in my lap at one point and handed me a book, so we read together... he's adorable. and i'm learning a lot about ABA and such with him, which is cool.

the girl was very different -- she doesn't have ASD, but she has developmental language delays because she was adopted from an orphanage where she was maltreated... it's heartbreaking. she's terrified of adults, and she broke down when i came into the room because it was a new person. she just looked at me with terrified eyes.. something on my face must have given me away because her aide looked at me and told me it was okay. i can't hide things well.

so i gave the girl some space -- they said she was working on eye contact and trying to get her to look at adults, and because i'm not "really" an adult and i'm quiet (??!), maybe she'd identify with me. i said her name and asked her if she was reading a book, expecting her to ignore me.. but she looked. right in my eyes. she looked terrified, but she looked.

i felt like i was looking into her soul.

the class went outside and i stayed back with the little boy to watch his therapist do some ABA therapy with him, then we headed to the playground and played for a bit. when i came back to get my coat, the girl was in the room with her shadow. she looked up at me when i came in.. not at my face, just at me. i told her i was leaving.

"Look, Jenny. Ms. Bridgette is leaving. Can you wave goodbye to Ms. Bridgette?"
-- ::shakes her head::
"Look at Ms. Bridgette's face, Jenny. She has a pretty, happy, young face. Look at her sweet smile, Jenny. She wants to be friends with you."
-- ::looks up slowly::

I looked back at her. "I'm going to school today, too, Jenny! Can you believe it? We're both going to school today. I'm a student, too." She looked me in the eye.

"Can you give Ms. Bridgette a high five, Jenny?"
-- ::looks back down and shakes her head::
"How about a high-pinkie?"

And she reached out her tiny, tiny little pinky to me. I touched mine to hers, and she quickly pulled away and glanced at me one more time.

Maybe this could work.

I don't think Jenny knew what to make of me. She was used to being with her adult shadow or her 3-4 year old peers. I was somewhere in between -- and that day I had decided to dress in a white billowy skirt, brightly colored flats, a bright blue shirt, and button earrings. I looked like a grown-up kid.

we'll see. it's amazing how much is at the academy -- how many children with amazing stories, just waiting to be heard.

i went on a walk thismorning (after hanging out at cory's fam's yardsale in greer... it was wonderful to sit outside with them, sipping on coffee, enjoying the chilly, beautiful day in the country...).. the leaves haven't changed colors, but they're starting to fall. so if you close your eyes, you can hear them crunch and feel the chill on your nose, and imagine that it looks like autumn. it's liberating.

i was so miserable at furman earlier this term -- not misearable in general, just at furman. getting out of the bubble every morning has totally changed my perspective -- my focus is on my kids, then i come back and work at the academics to make working with the kids later in life easier. and then i play.. it's a different perspective. i have a goal now. it's good.

aaaaaaaaand life is fun. i'm being introverted this term, which i think is okay. i'm just sick of small talk, so i've been avoiding big small talk places. i probably should have gone out last night, but i fell alseep in a book. bad excuse, i know.. but i had been up since 5... which makes the excuse a *little* better. anyways, i'm still goofy. a little more subdued, but it's still there.

so now i'm going to go "work" and make some lunch. going to try to figure out what to do with chicken, rice, artichokes, and sundried tomatoes. and nutella. but i think i'll just let the nutella stay in the cupboard.

:-D