think more, speak less

I found my old blog tonight.

Wow.

Ironically, I stopped blogging on there shortly before camp started -- I'm sure you can imagine the changes that have graced my life since. I read back to last February when my world was as small as it could get; I was sitting in my bed with mono for weeks... my perspective was so different, so much deeper, so much more pure.

I had the time to grow.

I've realized how much time I need to think in order to be happy. I decided today that my goal for spring will be to "rest in the moment, breathe in the battle." I shut down in stress; I focus on feeding my mind, and I forget about feeding my soul.

I can't describe it; I just have this feeling that my soul has lost a lot of the beauty that makes me unique, you know? I'm goofy and hypothetical and dorky and in love with romantic analogies of faith. The problem is that I've never been very good at communicating that part of me -- that deep part of me -- outside of the circle of people like myself. I can talk with a like-minded helpless romantic until the cows come home... but let's be honest, there aren't many of us out there.

Since those posts, I've finally realized how to communicate with the rest of the world.... I've grown so much closer to my family and my friends, I've become so much more content with life, both in hardships and joy. Before, prayer and "me time" was the place my heart found rest. Now, my heart can find rest elsewhere -- which is fulfilling because I'm not living in a fantasty anymore. The peace isn't as pure, though. I have yet to master a perfect translation from peace in my heart and peace in the world.

"Rest in the moment, breathe in the battle."

My heart is just seeking consistency -- a level of character and joy that can permeate all areas of my life without changing its form. I know that lack of consistency comes from my lack of prayer -- I'm banking on old graces, if that makes any sense.

Oh, this post confuses me.. and I'm the one writing it. I apologize :)

I guess I've become more open to other perspectives and other ideas -- not just of friends and foes, but of God. I've flattened my intimacy, though... I keep my openness around the same level with everyone, whereas I used to have a vulnerability with God that purified my heart and made me more consistent. I didn't know what to do with that peace, though -- I didn't know what to do with myself.

I've figured out where I'm going, now... as much as I can, anyway. Now it's time to pack the bags, to weed out the things in my life that I don't want to take with me anymore. Before, I had a packed bag and nowhere to go... now, I have a direction and an overflowing suitcase. I can't fly with this much baggage. I need that peace again.

My how things change in a year :)

I like this. I like thinking. Note to self: think more, speak less. It's much more productive.