"you can't handle the truth"

Maybe that's why I don't say it. Maybe I am so proud to think that other's can't handle the thoughts that I am prepared to throw their way.

I'm a little down on myself at the moment. Not really sure how to explain why... I think I'm just disappointed in my lack-of-ability to effectively deal with conflict. Little things bother me, and I expect them to go away... and they do. But the next time the same issue rears its ugly head, it feels bigger and more threatening because it has become habitual. And when they become habitual, they become part of the person. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to change behavior. No one in their right mind would claim to know how to truly change a person.

I just hate complaining. I hate hearing myself complain... I know it's my biggest obvious flaw: I trash talk when I'm frustrated. To give myself a bit of credit, though, what sounds like trash talking is really my brain's way of processing what's going on in life. I'm usually talking out loud and bouncing ideas to try to make sense of a situation... and it usually helps a lot. When I'm mad, though, "processing" becomes nonselective -- I say things to get them out, not to make them better. And I pay a lot less attention to who my audience is... which is never a good idea.

I'm just learning some thigns about myself and adjusting to this new term.. my last term as a non-senior. How terrifying -- that college is almost over. It's gone well so far -- I haven't studied much, but I haven't really needed to. I have been spending a lot of time at my internship, though... and I love it. I'm working with developmentally delayed neglected and abused 3-4 year olds, and they have already changed my life. They're vibrant, they're beautiful.. and they've already been through more than i will ever go through.

I'm learning a lot about the lives of foster children, too -- the vast majority of my kids don't live with their biological parents. One child asked me today if he could come home with me; "Ms. Bridgette, I want to go home and play on your plaground at your school." I tried to explain that my school doesn't have a playground, but I don't think I convinced him. Another child got reunited with a biological parent recently, so it was good to hear the joy of knowing they have a home. The funny highlight of the day was on the bus...

"You're in a good mood, Martha."
"I took my medicine."

:)

I'm just slowly learning more about people -- how to interract with them, how to read them, how to soak up their knowledge and experiences and apply their lives to mine. It's amazing how much you can learn by listening. Today, I learned more than I can express from our bus driver.

Tomorrow, the townies at the Karaoke Korral.

I need to sleep. More later. I've missed blogging.