loooove love love

so i've lost my mind.

no, really... i think it's gone. i just sat down and got queasy... i'm realizing i'm in over my head. in life. just life in general... has given me a swift kick to the ass.

first of all, this psych class.. the same class that i'm spending a ridiculous amount of time writing a 12-page paper on death for (yeah, death. that's it! death.)... has knocked me off my rocker. he talks about religion and logic and the mind and it makes me question every little ounce of everything i've ever believed. i didn't realize how much i was doubting until today. i'm just doubting it all.

which is probably why i've been missing church. and going through crazy extraverted spurts and solemn introverted spurts. i'm spurting... which is scary. i feel like things are spinning out of control, but i really have it more together than i think i ever had. probably because i'm not grounded in anything right now. my faith is out of control... i believe in God and i love Him and i'm trying... i really am. but i'm focusing on one side of my heart and the other side is having a party. i'm focusing on being a better person, a better friend, doing more, having a purpose... and the things i used to get hung up on aren't weighing on my heart as much any more. maybe it's a dull conscience. maybe it's right.

ugh.

i just had love in a box. a little, neatly wrapped box that had rules listed on the outside and a expiration date. the box has exploded in my face, and my world has turned upside down because of it. love is radical, it's out of control.. it's not prim and proper and easy to sum up. it's self denial and it's pain and it's struggle and it's passion. it's insane, really.

love is patient, love is kind?... it is, all of that is true. i know it... but that's perfect love. we love imperfectly all day long in the struggle to get there. and life isn't sweet and simple anymore. we can shrink our world so it seems that way (welcome to furman), but it's not. people are neurotic... everyone is full of flaws and ridiculousness, and we're all trying to find someone with flaws that intrigue us and help us grow. flaws we can really love. patiently, kindly, without fail. the passion and the neuroticism give us the courage to pursue love, to have faith in God that we're capable of it all. i used to think "genuine love" and "passion" couldn't cross paths... that passion couldn't be pure. somewhere in my heart, i pray that it can be. there's no way God would create us with a desire for passion and a call for purity if the two were mutually exclusive. God isn't cruel.

so here it is: my current insane state of confusion. and now i must go write about death. sweet.

:) fun weekend by the way... costume party friday and semiformal saturday... and we had our first apartment party, which was really good! i learned i still am not rachel ray, but that's okay... chicken parmesana was a bit of an adventure ;). oh, and my boyfriend is a goob... but a fun goob... i've never had so much fun tearing up the dance floor. we invented a new move that reminded me of a bull in a china shop. ha. maybe that's a good analogy for cory at a tridelt function... bull in a china shop. he's wonderful.

and i'm buried in homework. econ due tonight, two papers due tomorrow (1 pg and 12 pgs), lots of delta stuff to do, big test wednesday, teaching a 2 hr and 15 minute class on thursday (on the nature of autism.. eep!) ... and then i'll probably die. it will be a happy death though, right? right?

:) back to death..