just go with it

Cory and I went rug shopping today. It was very... domestic.

Namely because we hiked out to Anderson with the sole purpose of going rug shopping. We went to a really cool outlet where we could peek through doors and actually see the rugs being made. It was very Mr. Rogers.

We also went to a very sketchy neighborhood to get a DVD player off Craig's List. By very sketchy, I mean double family homes and a lot of rims and a very strange scuffle with a garbage truck going on in the street. We went into the home, and the woman had a baby on her hip and a toddler scurrying about. He was skinny... way too skinny. I found myself asking him questions to try to get a feel for his developmental age.

I'm such a nerd.

Seriously, though. Developmental issues fascinate me. Perhaps to a fault.

I can't believe Cory's buying a house. Friday. While I tube down the Saluda river with Tri Delt. It's an adorable yellow home with a big fenced back yard and a swing hanging from a tree in the front. He's already picked out a long list of projects to do... such a boy. Such a pick-a-man-from-my-family. I swear I'm dating a young, slightly more rambunctious version of my father.

Today was good, though (and yes, we found a fantastic rug). I should be studying, but I'm blogging instead... while working a CLP. I've noticed that I've felt a little drawn into myself lately... I think there's just a lot of thoughts floating around my mind without anywhere to go. And in times like this, prayer turns into a long laundry list.

Speaking of prayer, Regis and Kelly today (yes, I'm a soccer mom...) was FANTASTIC. They had two adorable Little Sisters of the Poor visiting, and Regis and Kelly (both Catholics -- go team Peter!) just ate it up. AND the sisters WON a random audience prize RIGHT AFTER they talked about how they beg for food -- a $500 gift certificate to an online kitchen store!!

God? Yes. I got goosebumps.

My faith thrives in moments like that... and then I quickly get discouraged as to how few and far between those moments actually are. I think discouragement has become my vice of choice this year; I get very caught up in not doing things right, so I think I never will. Maybe it will be easier when I'm older. Being young is hard.

I just... don't know. Does prayer have to be like a letter to God? Dear God... just seems fake. Shouldn't there be an open line of communication at all times?

I suppose if that's the case, I'm screwed. There are far too many moments in which I would prefer God not be listening. But then I would cease to exist.

Isn't that a depressing yet hopeful thought? If God forgot about us in the moments we were doing those gross, sinny things.. we would cease to exist? Hence, He's all to present.. even when we don't want Him to be?

Boo. But Yay. All at once. I need a word for this sentiment.

I think religion at FU has gotten to me. It's so down your throat, so the cultural norm... it's not real. There's a lot of talk and money thrown about from person to person, organization to organization... but in the end, it's a lot of talk about feeling good about yourself. I'm all for positive self worth, but not at the expense of reality.

We all want to feel good about ourselves.. the tricky part is, once we realize we're using religion to feel good, we instantly fill that gap with less pure things. I suppose in that way, religion can be seen sometimes as the lesser of two evils. Not that it's evil in and of itself (I think its wonderful and essential and all those good things)... but even genuflection and Bible studies can hurt us if we forget the whole point. We have to let ourselves not feel good. REM had it right. Everybody hurts...

I'm just constantly surprised at the number of Paladins I hear say things like, "Oh, I need to hang out with this group because they need an example of religion," or "I can't hang out with him because he's not religious enough." It's like we have this religion quota we have to pull out of each other. Shouldn't we fulfill our religion quota with, oh, I don't know, religion? And then maybe share the fruits of our faith, which we strengthen through religion, with one another?

There's something beautiful in seeking inspiration in our friends, but earthly inspiration isn't a crutch. It can't sustain us on our own. We need something deeper, something within ourselves. Sometimes religion gets confused with a sort of secular, self-sustaining community. It's so much deeper than that. It demands a relationship with God that often doesn't make us feel good.

Maybe that should make us feel better... if we're feeling yucky about the things we're doing, our prayers -- our communication with God -- is probably more on track than we think. It's when we stop feeling yucky that we really have to worry...

Yes, I'll use that last part to make myself feel better about guilt. The irony of hypocracy :)

Okay, homework/find-a-job-in-nashville/figure-out-life time.