I'm sad.
I'm sad to be leaving Charleston already... mom and I had a teary moment when she saw all of my bags packed, and I can't shake this pit in my stomach... I know that I am going to miss my family more than ever.
Homesickness and I have never mixed; I miss my family when I'm at school, but I always have some sort of independent streak to keep me going. Something about this summer, though -- a week at home isn't enough. I feel like I'm missing too much... I miss them too much. I feel like I'm suddenly growing up way too fast -- this was my last summer at home before the "real world," and I was barely here.
Charleston always does things to me, though -- I am constantly reminded of where I've been and where I'm going -- I can't hide from reality like I can at Furman. I realized this week that I have some things to work on -- kindness, for one. I've stopped valuing the virtues that were hammered into my head in high school... the simple battles have slipped behind the Big Priorities like Paying for Groceries and Figuring Out the Future. So ironic that the things that seem so important right now -- in the grand scheme of things -- really aren't. ...
Maybe that's it -- I feel like I can work on the simple things here because I have people to take care of me. I'm not used to not having to cook and clean and balance a full time job. For the past week, I could think about honesty and patience and kindness and faith. I had this unfamiliar urge to pray a Rosary last night. I feel like after all of this soul searching and independence this summer, I've finally come to a growing point. It hit me like a brick today -- my summer wasn't just a laundry list of adventures... I realized things about myself. Maybe the slow paced, homey feel of this last week gave me the chance to actually process this whirlwind of a summer.
The car ride tomorrow will be good. I copied mom's yoga jams onto my ipod, so I have some new songs to listen to. I might go to Confession when I get to Greenville... I think I need a definite fresh slate before this year takes off. I need some sacramental graces. And I have a three-and-a-half hour drive to do a kick-butt examination of conscience. :)
"We shall never learn to know ourselves except by endeavoring to know God; for, beholding His greatness, we realize our own littleness; His purity shows us our foulness; and by meditating upon His humility we find how very far we are from being humble." - St Teresa of Avila
St. Teresa is a rock star. She had these crazy visions and this almost manic way of describing her relationship with God -- very metaphorical, very all-or-nothing. I love reading her stuff in Adoration -- it's wild and inspiring. But in all of her chaotic musings, I still find so much simplicity... that's what I love about her.
I read a quote of hers today that really made me think -- I think it spurned this desire to go to return to the Sacraments...
"It is here, my daughters, that love is to be found — not hidden away in corners, but in the midst of occasions of sin. And believe me, although we may more often fail and commit small lapses, our gain will be incomparably the greater."
Wow. Love is found in the occasions of sin. I guess that should be a given after 20 years of Catechesis... but I had never thought about how moments of weakness can become moments of triumph... and how important and pivotal each moment can be.
To quote the sophisticated musings of the great Eminem (kidding.),
"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime...yo"
I've been consciously trying to kick some bad eating habits this summer, one of which has been letting my sweet tooth get the best of me when I'm not hungry to begin with. I finally realized that I could just tell myself no. I didn't have to rationalize not eating the cookie, I didn't have to beat myself about not deserving a cookie, I didn't have to disillusion myself into thinking a carrot is yummier than a cookie... I could just not eat the cookie. No big deal, move on with life. "Yo."
Maybe it's that way with sin, too... when we're in the moment, we don't always have time to rationalize. Battling "unkindness," like battling a sweet tooth, seems like a daunting task. But appreciating the value of each occasion of sin, like the opportunity to toss in a jab about someone who has been unkind to us, can help us fight the Big Things without being overwhelmed by the Big Things.
Maybe I just need to stop trying to philosophically end the spiritual war and start fighting the battles. "Church militant," right?
So these little realizations have led me to be a little hopeful, a little scared. Appreciating the little moments and fighting the good fight is important -- I know that -- but it's easier said than done.
I don't think I've ever quoted St. Teresa and Eminem back to back before... :)
Eric just got home. We're going to talk about Patty's new 4'5" roommate over milk and cookies. Pray for a safe move :)
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