high school flashback

holy cow.. sitting here listening to drummers banging it out for FCA makes me miss high school retreat team stuff.

talk about a blast from the past...

it got me thinking about how the expression of faith changes so much over the years... my beliefs have stayed the same, but with time, they've become more challenged, more worn, if you will. i dont have that glossy optomism sugar-coating everything. i get it -- not entirely, but more. and the emotional appeals just aren't enough anymore.

i don't know. sometimes i get scared that i'm changing too much. i've changed a lot. and i'm happy with it all... i really am. it's just scary to look back and not recognize the person who wrote the words, you know?

i miss the fellowship, though. sometimes i feel like furman is a boat without a sail -- the Catholic community is growing, i just haven't had the chance to really embrace it yet this year. part of me misses the praise and worship fun prayer sessions -- the light hearted side of faith.

isn't there one? no?

oh, right.. when the world crashes and crumbles, a good guitarist doesn't really help, does it?

like.. when was the last time i prayed the rosary? went to confession? really, truly prayed? gut check. dangit. i can see it now... "but God, i just wanted to have fun..." i'm just not used to not having that accountability, i guess.

right. life isn't always fun. "in all of its sweetness and all of its faults, life is a bittersweet waltz..."

maybe i'll start reading every night...

it sounds so worldly and cliche.. but i feel like i've become more "spiritual," if that makes sense... i'm trying to figure myself out, challenging the hard things, going through one of those spiritual identity crises that seem to characterize young adulthood... and i know it's okay to question. questioning isn't doubting... it's growing. and the world isn't furman, and the world isn't green skirts and knee-high argyle socks. it's poverty and pain and joy and sorrow. and the Bible doesn't spell everything out... you can't give the "Sunday school answer" to the friend contemplating abortion. you have to be able to speak the language of the world. it's not "us versus them"... God loves everyone the same. we're all in this together.

life is bigger than i thought.

hmm..