what on earth?

okay, why the funk.

i have been in an on-again-off-again funk since school started. it's getting better, for sure. and for the most part, i'm fine... it's just that occasionally, i'm not. and it's never for a really good reason. i'm just... not. and i know why... it just kind of hit me the other day. and it makes me feel better and worse all at the same time. but knowledge is power, i suppose.

okay, so the country is in this SSRI epidemic, no? doctors are prescribing antidepressants left and right, and it's debatable whether any good number of the prescriptions are helpful or necessary. i went on antidepressants in high school, then decided abruptly not to take them, that i didn't need to and it was stupid.

just a word to the wise: whether or not you need SSRIs in the first place, your body gets used to them. so going off of them, no matter what your original state was, is going to hurt. if you go off them the "right way," the hurt is just physical. if you go off them the "wrong way"... the emotional hurt could get deadly.

so yeah, i went to see my doctor in the spring and essentially told him i thought SSRIs were pointless and i wanted to get off of them and deal with my problems by changing my lifestyle, not by artificially manipulating my seratonin levels. i was going to do it the right way this time (there was a time when i did it all wrong.. bad news bears). so once school got out, i gradually decreased my dose (which, come to find out, was barely enough to have an effect... after researching it i realized it was probably more a mind over body anyway) while spending the summer with my incredible campers.

i had a few bad nights of headaches, but after that, i was fine.. emotionally and physically. turns out i really didnt need the darn things.

shocker, right?

so here's the deal. while i didn't need them, i got used to them. i got used to having that fuzzy mediocrity greet me every day, and not having to worry about greeting the highs and lows that make life.. life.. on my own. i made the conscious decision to throw that safety away in order to embrace the highs and lows that make life... life.

so for the first time in a long time, i'm experiencing life... real life... at Furman.

it's a little strange. i'm doing the things that i did wrong right... i dropped fusab, i'm sleeping, eating better, living more actively and happily... everything is good. but there's a difference.. a big difference.. in not having that little "boost" keeping me from the lows that are normal. i'm feeling normal again.

who would've thought "normal" could be so terrifying?

so yep, that's about it.

the last few days have actually been really good. i'm starting to have a lot more schoolwork, which will get a little nuts towards the end of the week.

mondays are now my favorite day of the week. last night we got chilis to go (fundraiser for st. jude research), then cory and i went and grabbed starbucks, and he taught me to drive stick shift. i called my dad to tell him i drove to the stop sign, and he answered with, "what happened?" ... and responded to my stop sign comment with "INto the stop sign? or TO the stop sign?"

ye of little faith.

so monday was good. and tomorrow i have a breakfast date with one of my amazing sisters. and then i have to buckle down and work. read and study and read and write until the cows come home.

moo. ;)

so yes, i'm going to go get a little done and head off to bed. if only i could be woken up at 4:40...