okay, so i had an epiphany in econ today. and rather than do the econ homework, make the three study guides, read the six extensive articles, and write the paper that i need to do tonight (...yeah...), i'm going to write about it.
i had a yucky time at lunch today. i just got sad... my heart hurt... and by the time i left, i felt sick to my stomach.
people at furman are so cliquey sometimes. to the point where i wonder if we're still in middle school. the same drama still goes on... now it just involves alcohol and grad school applications. which, from observation alone, seem to be a bad combination.
so here's the deal.. i was thinking about why i'm so happy sometimes and so unhappy other times... and i thought about when i'm happy and when i'm sad, and i realized a lot of it has to do with groups. i don't like sitting in big groups trying to figure things out.. because i don't like leaving people out, feeling left out, watching people feel left out... i hate all of it. so sitting at a huge lunch table... bothers me. because i see people sitting alone, or people looking sad, and i recognize that i'm unapproachable. i'm in the bubble. and half of the time, i don't want to be there.
but i've kind of known that for awhile. so today i thought about why... and it came down to love.
we are made to thrive in communities of love.
love is self-denial... which is hard in big groups. it turns into an attention thing, which is usually a far cry from a good time. even when i've had a bad day, a good talk with a friend or my boyfriend calms me down and makes me smile.. because the love there is genuine. God created us out of love, and our sole job on earth is to love... so naturally, loving brings us peace and joy.
i get distracted when i'm in huge groups of people... i can't love or listen as easily. and it hurts. and i've noticed that my involvement in some communities changes completely when i'm doing different things with my own life... and that disappoints me. it makes me realize how many of my friendships aren't genuine.. aren't filled with love.
God, i want my friendships to be overflowing with love.
so yes, i'm looking at study abroad programs now. i just want to get out of here.. go study autism in the UK or downes in australia.. and love. get out of this place and love the hell out of the rest of the world. literally. the chances of me actually leaving are slim to none -- i've got internships and jobs brewing here, opportunities and doors opening left and right... but isn't it a nice thought?
::sigh::
i feel a lot better. it's amazing how much identifying a problem puts me to rest. cory and mandy and i were talking the other day about how mandy and i go about problem solving differently -- business major mandy tells the person directly, i try to mind-game them into discovering it on their own. maybe because that's how i figure things out in my own life -- i think about them until i feel better... until i understand why things are the way they are, why i feel the way i do.
i'm learning not everyone thinks the way i do... in fact, very few people do. the person who thinks the closest is now in england. (although safe and sound.. praise Jesus.. and she's going to have a blast...) .. so maybe that has something to do with my mini-funks. no one likes feeling too different.
but see -- even that can't be it, because the people i'm most different from are the ones i'm also most comfortable around. maybe it's a threshold type effect. i don't know.
so that's that.
a few Sir Walter Scott quotes...
"The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character." (too bad i'm a freakin oak)
"One hour of life, crowded to the full with glorious action, and filled with noble risks, is worth whole years of those mean observances of paltry decorum, in which men steal through existence, like sluggish waters through a marsh, without either honor or observation."
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