lots of sudden thoughts

This post marks the out-blogging of my old blog :). No one really knew about that one -- it was my little private place until someone stumbled upon it in Greenville and published it on the National Catholic News Report blog. I suddenly had old ladies "commenting" on my love life and giving me advice. ... went up to 600 hits overnight.

I quickly switched to journaling.

But yes, the old blog is still used.. it's just set to private. It's like my journal :)

Reason I bring it up.. I was looking at my prayer shelf to see what book I wanted to read, and I stumbled upon my journals from the fall and winter of this year (yep -- went through a journal a term. Impressive, right?)... and started flipping through them. Anyways, I think its a good thing to see how I've changed this year, how I've grown. In retrospect, I can see that I've made a lot of good decisions, a lot of silly decisions, but few bad ones. It's kind of like when you teach a dog to swim, you throw it into freezing water and let its instincts kick in.

This year has been my freezing water.

I didn't realize I could support myself, stand up for myself, have pride in myself, be independent, love my family, sing again, write poetry, make new and fantastic friends, break dance, date, wear a backless dress, appreciate the Rosary, laugh, go to frat parties and still be myself, dance when no one is watching, smell the roses, wear a Hooters tank top, befriend my mother, fall in love with the Eucharist all over again...

I couldn't do those things before.

I think that's the cycle of life. We fall in love with falling in love... so much so that we often fall too quickly. Lord, may I always fall head over heels in love with You.

I found this entry from this past Christmastime:

"What is it, Lord, about the heart of a woman -- me, Al, Jessie, Hannah, Caitlyn -- love so easily becomes a cross. We rejoice in romance, but the reality is we commit to the pain that is love. You romance us, Lord, with your gifts of sweet goodness and joy. We delight in a long talk in the moonlight -- you gave us the moonlight. We get flustered by beautiful roses -- You created every petal with Your Glorious Hand. Romance is just the brief glimpses of using your beauty to bring the delightful side of love to others... yet all of those things -- roses, moonlight, sunsets, candles -- are only reflections of Your beauty."

Now I can see how Augustinian my reflections were :) ... my final paper for that class was on his concept of love and chastity, and a big reason Augustine advocated celibacy was that he never wanted to settle for less than the best. "Nothing is good if it can be better." For him, the love within the Holy Trinity... the love that could bind the three Persons of God into One... was the only reasonable goal. Marriage was an image of that love, not the real deal. He swore of theater for the same reason ;)

Seriously, though... the guy has a point. We so often think that the sky is the limit. Funny thing is... it's not. The sky is the limit of our minds, perhaps... but certainly not our hearts. Our hearts were made for God, and He cannot be contained in the sky. Our hearts were made to stretch and grow through hardships and joy.. but the love we experience here is only a shadow of what we will experience in Heaven... "for now we see but in a mirror, and then, face to face."

I found another quote that I had spent a lot of time thinking about... now I understand. Augustine and Picasso probably wouldn't agree on much.. but they would agree on this:

"Art is a lie that tells the truth." -Picasso

Life is one big canvas, huh? :)

Sooooo happy blog-day to me... happy blog-day to me... I've out-blogged myself, happy blog-day to me.

Clearly, I need more sleep. Goodnight!