Dear Bridgette: please stop overreacting to impulsive ridiculous things.
I'm kind of a mess today... I've been trying to motivate myself to work for hours and it just hasn't worked. By "it just hasn't worked," I mean that I have become the laziest person alive. I have a huge test on Friday and have yet to read any of the material for it. Bad plan, Bridgette.
Luckily I am worthless and only have one class tomorrow, so I have from 10am - 2am to learn Human Development. A whole lot of Human Development. And when that's done, it's a deltalicious weekend with my dear friend Blake.
Oh, Formal...
I'm beside myself with excitement... I have yet to buy shoes, but I'm sure those will come along. I hate buying shoes for these things though because they always end up coming off. Ann always says "tequila makes the clothes come off"... but for me it's like that with sweet music and shoes. They just don't go together. And it's not like Blake would care. He's quite used to my ridiculousness. And by "quite used to," I mean that he expects nothing less. He'd probably be thrown if I didn't exercise my socially awkward tendencies for a little while.
I tried on my dress again today, tried to figure out what to do with my hair... I don't know, I have a good feeling about this weekend. Life has been so confusing lately... I've been relying on "good feelings" and "bad feelings" a lot. I'm not usually like that; I'm usually rational. But I've gotten to the point where I'm rational enough to know that the next few weeks just aren't going to be rational. Life isn't logistical. Labels never do people justice, expectations are never met as anticipated, emotions never seem to reflect reality. We are what we are. Such is life.
I spent a lot of time today thinking... I couldn't even really tell you what I thought about. I never used to be like that; I spent all my time doing. I'm pretty sure that "thinking time" has been good for me, but I know that "praying time" would be better. I've got in the habit of "borderline prayer"... spiritual thoughts without the prayerful discipline. Prayer is so much more fruitful, but borderline prayer is so much easier. It's a bad habit, I suppose.
Speaking of habits... I was sitting in O-Staff today and my cell phone buzzed and I looked down and "St. Cecelia's Motherhouse" was on the caller ID.
eep.
I talked to sister awhile ago about going on a vocations retreat at the end of this year... but it's during exams and its crunch time and I really can't go now. The religious life is just one of those things that always slips into my life at inopportune times. I guess there's never an opportune time to give yourself completely to God. There's an appropriate time (when He calls), but its never going to be cut and dry.
In Augustine class today we talked about how God couldn't show Adam and Eve what the consequences of the fall would be or they would have no possibility of exercising faith. Story of life, no? We always anticipate the future.. I can't count the number of times I wished I knew what was going to happen a week from now, 3 months from now, 30 years from now... but if I knew the consequences of my present lifestyle, I'd have no use for faith. We must trust God and cling to Him, knowing that He will care for us and bring us to where we need to be.
Sometimes I wish God would beam me a few answers, though. Such as -- do I listen to my head or my heart? Is the logic from limited experience enough to outweigh my crazy emotions? I feel like I finally have myself figured out a bit... but I still can't explain it to other people. I start going off about root beer floats and rainbow trout... and then I get home and say to myself, "what the hell was that?!" And I think of 10,000 things I could have said better.
And then the next day I wake up and try to explain my failed self-explanations and a friend can just utter one sentence that sums up everything...
... and then I'm back to square one.
This post makes no sense. Apologies.
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